HIS NAME IS DARREN AND HE LIVES ON A SUBURBAN STREET NEAR YOU
A Peoria area man has been detained by authorities for ‘needlessly and recklessly shaving his pelvis in public’ and sentenced to 30 days in the county jail plus a fine of 2000 American smackeroos. The case has raised concerns by lawmakers about the interpretation of Illinois indecent exposure laws, and by the citizens of this town about strange shavings.
‘The law here in Peoria states that you do have the right to be naked on your own property, even if you are visible from the street, as long as you are not shaving your pelvis,’ wrote criminal attorney Slacks Double Awt II, of Awt Awt & Awt, responding to The Gorko earlier this week via email. ‘The trouble for [Darren] is that he was definitely shaving his pelvis. Why was he doing that?’
It is not too far-fetched to say that Awt Esquire’s reaction may well be shared by the majority of Peorian locals.
Prosecutors confirmed that the accused was not shaving his groin area or legs, but specifically his left hip area, which is of course on most homo sapiens hairless to the eye. Reportedly the defendant pleaded guilty to the shaving and sat meekly through the sentencing, nor were any claims of insanity or charges of aberrant sexual behavior, such as Dutch pelvising, made by either prosecution or defense.
‘My client was under the impression, as he stood by the hydrangea in his own backyard, that he would not be visible to passers-by on the street,’ Darren’s lawyer Fruits Placard told the court.
Yet the question of why Darren was shaving his pelvis in the first place essentially remains unanswered.
May God and the law keep us all safe today from all such degenerate and reckless razor wielders.
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Image: A man with a walrus moustache – DPLA – 20bd3c7b51a9c68db92a109da0e8fe8a.jpg
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