New content every morning!

As The Asp Claspeth

As the asp claspeth
Cries from the belatticed prow
Spent venom in hedgerows
Many-hued poison bellows

As the hat hand claspeth
Buttonrow beansprouts belie
Eggs to the peater
Vent visor be pried!

As the spent bridegroom claspeth
Plenty a leagues off awash
Groans from the balcony
Full plates in the trash.

Commentary by Tark Mackintosh

As The Asp This atrociously bad poem, of which thankfully only the first four stanzas has survived, was written in the aftermath of the San Bernardino Free Opera fiasco of 1936, from which our poet was unceremoniously hustled by a parcel of Goldstrikers after having knocked down the hefty soprano Louis Manglagiarelotto midway through his performance of ‘O du, mein holder Aberstein’. The Goldstrikers, known informally as the California Blackshirts of Modernist poetry, were lifelong nemeses to Professor Stout. His life was spared on this occasion by the fortunate appearance of a pair of San Bernardino County motorcycle police. Notwithstanding, he lost three teeth and his wallet was rifled, and folder of poems lit on fire and scattered across the Route 66 blacktop outside the Bernardino Visitors Center near Kendall.

claspeth Clearly impossible behavior for an asp, even of the Biblical variety. Asps are known to slither, coil, spring, hiss, bite, sink fangs, and dangle, never to claspeth. Professor Stout here graspeth for the patently absurd, as a justification for his terrible experience at the hands of the notorious, end-rhyming Goldstrikers. As explained by his housekeeper and official biographer Ada Potter Barclay, ‘The attack lauched that afternoon against the infamous Soprano was one inspired not so much by his hatred of Wagner, as by his blind love for [Dr. Algernon Quiverbottom of Poots upon Thames, founder and long-serving president of the Goldstrikers], who had spurned the great man’s attempts to ingratiate himself into their circle.’

Although it meant getting his ass whupped repeatedly at different high society functions, Professor Stout would eventually thank his lucky stars he was never part of the Calfornia Blackshirts, who would eventually come to a very grisly end in North Africa, 1942, when both of their buses, emblazoned with swastikas, drivers touting Charlie Chaplin moustaches, were strafed by US Army pilots flying sortie out of Telergma.

prow…bellows Based on metrical considerations, the infamous in his own right Dr. Don Markenbaldi has suggested that Professor Stout meant below. As is usual with most of his preposterous emendations, this pesky quibble completely disregards the fact that the San Bernardino coat of arms features a Dutch wench in traditional beergarten garb, hammer, and large pair of bellows.

in hedgrerows Possibly an allusion to the place the poet was unceremoniously slung as the state police officers sped up, and the Goldstrikers scattered back amongst the folding tables and chairs. The opera people had vamoosed to their trailers, but a local band had hurriedly taken their places and were playing ‘Caravan’ like it was the Titanic going down all over again.

Buttonrow beansprouts Ducky stags.

Eggs to the peater The sense is, Not even a peaty whiskey sour shall wash away your shame, good sirs. The volta strikes the unsuspecting reader much like the riding crops and deerskin gloves of the Poots goons: expecting beater, we get peater. The poet is narcissistic, blind to fate and the love of women, yet peaty. Peter Quiverbottom, son to ‘Poots’ Quiverbottom and known just as Pete, had led the throng of Blackshirts as they dragged our poet from the stage and into the notorious street.

spent bridegroom Intentional poetic double irony. Neither bride nor groom is waiting at the altar.

Groans…Plates The musical elixir has spoilt the palates of the West Coast elite, this day in the life of those who would exploit art and truth for their own advancement/amusement. As he was trundled onto the gurney, Professor Stout whispered to Ada to retrieve his half-scorched parchments from the shuddering blacktop, and to call his mother in Pasadena.