Unless you live in New Zealand or have erected a castle from which to launch mounted sorties, and your neighborhood has been declared a no-goal zone by presidents and foreign queens, the FIFA Men’s World Cup 26™ may well be rolling into a neighborhood near you very soon. The three host countries, or host parasites in official FIFA lingo, ‘The’ United States, Canada, and Mexico will be welcoming more than 50 trillion people to 26,000 different parasite cities, from Quebec to Guadalajara, and our own Peoria, Illinois.
Yet at what cost to the local infrastructure will North America welcome back the sport that you play with your feet? Is the massive influx of revenue really worth the cost in trampled, foot-level petunias, lines at the Taco Bell drive-thru, or general rise of hooliganism in the public thoroughfares — not to mention the broken spirits of nations, the crushed dreams of huckstered fanatics?
‘We are getting bars put on all the windows,’ Peoria carpenter and father of three Dan Watson told The Gorko, ‘and as you have already found out, the perimeter is electrified.’
Dan is not the only one who has banned World Cup talk from family dinners, and far from the first Peoria paterfamilias to feel the creeping dread, knowing what is just on the other side of his IEC 659876-3321 certified non-lethal fence: the frenzy of the mob, the hoot of the air horn, the peppery sting of five weeks of nonstop nutmegging.
Peoria Parents Against Foreign Sports (PPAFS) was formed following the infamous ‘Foreigner Invasion’ that accompanied the 1994 United States World Cup, in which more than 300 trillion wine-drinking, baguette-munching French and Dutch-speaking non-Americans rampaged across these purple mountain majesties. The Gorko was surprised to learn that the United States Men’s Soccer Team did not even participate in the final of the mid-90s event, which was eventually played between a team representing South America and a squad from South Europe (sic).
The final score of that game in regulation time was 0 to 0.
According to their website, the sacred mission of PPAFS is ‘to protect America from harmful foreign sports that you play with your feet and can win without scoring in regulation time, and to guarantee a space free of foreign baguettes and stinky eurocheeses, from now and for posterity.’
‘We danet know what these kickin fools want in our beautifer country,’ shouted PPAFS President For Life Amis Golstuppletonmuchawannafallugga-Smith-Rutabega from his porch, waving a drumstick, ‘but the message to them should be clear. Get off our lawn! Stay out of our towns and stadiums with your foreign devil sports in which you can’t even use your godgiven hands. Clear out, you hear!’
FIFA representatives did not return an answer to any of our multiple phone or email messages, and it should be expected, despite the mounting local outrage, that the World Cup will indeed be played as planned.
That feet, thighs, nipples, and skulls will be used to move a ball slowly but surely towards its goal, on American soil, is a reality that many will simply have to face.
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