The Gorko Gazette

Daily Humor

thegorkogazette

6.9.2026 7:00 AM

COUNT CHAUDES-AURILLAC IS COMING: HE WANTS THE MOVIE RIGHTS TO YOUR HISTORICAL NOVEL ‘THE CHAUDES AND THE AURILLACS’

THE NIGHTMARE HAS BECOME REALITY

In the back of your mind this whole time, you knew the possibility existed: if your labyrinthine, saccharine 3-book historical romance detailing the rise and fall of Count Chevrolet Chaudes and his courtship to the lovely Madame Cheepsie Aurillac, set on the fringes of the lavish Versailles court of Louis XIV Seventeenth-Century France ever became a bestseller, and rumors about a film adaptation began to swirl, the likelihood of the modern-day descendant of Count Chevrolet, the formidable Count Chaudes-Aurillac, sweeping in and demanding his cut was extremely high.

Well the third and final book of The Chaudes & Cheepsie Saga has been on the Peoria Times National Bestseller List for eighteen weeks straight now, and indeed you have just been contacted by a man claiming to be the attorney for the Chaudes-Aurillac estate, who says that the Count is coming for you.

Literally, on his private jet, later today. So what do your bosom companions, friends, and intellectual property lawyer Don ‘Shoot First, Ask The Natives Questions Later’ Trakker recommend?

‘RESPOND AND DEFEND YOURSELF’

Unfortunately you can’t just ignore a man like Count Chaudes-Aurillac, with his army of legal advisors, billions in French telecommunications stocks, black château on a hill, and of course the large hook he wears on the stump of his left arm.

‘You have to respond and defend yourself,’ said Don Trakker, on speakerphone. ‘Wait what rights is he asking for exactly, for the whole kit and kaboodle?’

‘CEASE-AND-DESIST HIS ASS, LIKE CHEEPSIE DID IN BOOK 2 OF THE CHAUDES AND CHEEPSIE SAGA’

Local sleuth and Gorko cub reporter Nadira recommends that you take a page out of your own story, and send a cease-and-desist letter demanding that Count Chaudes-Aurillac withdraw all claims on your books by the Chaudes-Aurillac, ‘Just like Cheepsie did in Book 2, writing for Chevrolet to the villainous Duke Burgundy, demanding that he put an end to the popular but scandalous marionette show To Live & Die A Chaudes (Vivre et mourir un Chaudes).’

‘HAVE YOUR PUBLISHER RELEASE A STATEMENT’

Don Markenbaldi, bursting into Gorko HQ in his shorts and tall socks, though he had not been invited to the pow-wow, shouted that you need to contact your agent at Ravenwild Books Inc. and have them deal with the situation. Of course Don is more familiar with intellectual property imbroglios than anyone else you could possibly find, being himself a plagiarist and intellectual larcenist, so perhaps in this one case his might be the very advice to follow.

However you choose to deal with the situation, should the dread Count indeed find you at home, stay calm, speak truth to old money, and for Pete’s sake keep out of reach of that hook at all times.