The Gorko Gazette

An Incomplete Survey of Americans who are named John Wayne but are not the legendary 20^th-century film star John Wayne

after James O. Incandenza

John Wayne of Knoxville, Tennessee, is afraid of black horses.

A John Wayne in Spokane drives a Prius with a bumper sticker that reads, Ask me about my other car.

Two John Waynes work the overnight shift at a bakery on opposite coasts. One loves the smell of cinnamon, the other is allergic to it.

John Wayne of Des Moines cries silently to animal shelter commercials.

Another John Wayne has spent the last three months trying to remove a raccoon from his attic.

A John Wayne in Liverpool has never seen a Western in his life. A John Wayne in Phoenix has seen hundreds of them but likes none.

Of all the John Waynes in the world, the John Wayne in Mobile, Alabama, is the only one who doesn’t respond or instinctively turn around when someone says “John Wayne, huh?” because he is deaf.

At least six Jon Waynes are displeased by the typo in their names.

One John Wayne changed his name to Jonathan. Another changed his name to Jack.

Five babies in average are named after John Wayne in John Wayne’s hometown, Winterset, Iowa.

A John Wayne in Abilene, Texas, won the third place in the local John Wayne lookalikes contest.

A John Wayne in Nebraska owns a ranch that has four Egyptian cats.

A John Wayne in Vermont is learning experimental pottery.

A John Wayne in Toronto is a Pisces and emotes nonstop about the passage of time.

John Wayne of Cedar Rapids was named after his father, who was named after the actor, who was named neither John nor Wayne in real life.

One John Wayne I is waiting outside a delivery room, hoping for a son.

One is sitting in a divorce lawyer’s office, trying to convince the legal representatives that it’s his real name.

One is eating gas-station nachos in a parking lot and wondering where the afternoon went.

A John Wayne in Tucson broke his wrist pulling off a bicycle kick in a high-school soccer game.

A John Wayne in Pittsburgh writes short stories that no one reads.

A John Wayne in Akron, Ohio, works in gun safety and is surprised by how much firing is involved in his line of work.

Another one in Bakersfield, California, owns a human resources consulting company and fires three to six employees every trimester.

One John Wayne is afraid of confrontation.

A John Wayne touristing around the hot springs of Iceland is busy contemplating what life after death is like.

Last year, a John Wayne in New Mexico accidentally joined a Facebook group dedicated to the real John Wayne and couldn’t leave.

Tonight, somewhere in suburban Michigan, a John Wayne receives a John Wayne bobbing head figure as a gift for his fiftieth birthday.

Somewhere else, a John Wayne is falling in love with a woman from Rochester named Maureen O’Hara.

Somewhere else, a John Wayne is reminiscing the death of the bird, the myth, the legend John Wayne.

A John Wayne II is busy being born on the side of the road off I-63.

John Wayne of Savannah, Georgia, closes his eyes for eternal sleep.

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Image: John Wayne figure at Madame Tussauds London.jpg