WHEN PETS GO A-TRAVELIN’
What happens to pets when they disappear, Lemon? Recently my chihuahua Lacy, a milky and brown three-year-old and pretty big yapper, disappeared from our rural Kentucky ranch-style home. I insist that she has been hit by a truck or eaten by a coyote, but my wife wants to believe that Lacy is still out there. How can we be sure that pets are dead, and not traveling?
-Ravan in Reeves, Kentucky
The statistics don’t lie, Ravan in Reeves (and wife): more than 98% of pets gone missing are in fact categorically dead. Of the 2% that survive the first 48 hours on the lam, 1% have been petnapped by bad, bad men and will be sold to drug lords in Tijuana, 0.8% are collected by animal control officers and are a mere 8 days away from death by lethal injection then incineration, in that order one prays, and a measly 0.2% manage to find their way home after stumbling in a circle, yipping or meowing sadly, heartbroken and psychologically scarred for life.
Have you tried having a baby instead?
GRIEF CRYSTALS OR HEAVY DUTY PHARMACEUTICALS?
My friends all tell me that my grief crystals are useless, but I find when combined with four Benedryl they bring me the comfort and focus I need to concentrate on things that are not his clothes in the closet, his empty boots by the door.
Don’t go off the Benedryl, Shawna.
THIS ONE WILL GIVE YOU BUTTERFLIES
Last night I dreamed I saw the bomber death planes riding shotgun in the sky. They turned into butterflies above our nation. Is this normal?
-Guff in Guff’s truck
Crosby Stills Nash and Young saw the same vision, Guff in Guff’s truck! This is AMAZING! Have you been dropping acid, or perhaps chewing peyote? I recommend you continue your current diet while wandering the desert for three nights and three days. Stay hydrated by drinking lemongrass tea, and eat no meat. Then report to me what you have seen, writing in a code I shall forward you by private courier. TELL NO ONE.
-Lemongrass in the sky with diamonds
WHO IS LEMON REILLY
Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly (Twitter: @LemonReilly), Life Doctor, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with offices in both Reno and Mexico City.