Headlines, Lemondrop
by thegorkogazette

The Lemondrop Dream Blog FAQ: Is Don Markenbaldi Dangerous AND Lecherous?

Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly, your Life Doctor. I am a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with freshly smelling, non-creepy offices in Peoria. I offer safe healing alternatives that complement my physical remedies, guiding seekers with special techniques to help them achieve peace, joy, and life fulfillment. Our latest FAQ is devoted to dispelling certain misunderstandings some Earth Seekers seem to have regarding the toxic and incredibly dangerous local man Don Markenbaldi. Is he dangerous AND lecherous?

Frequently Asked Questions

  • What is a Life Doctor?

I can tell you what a Life Doctor is NOT, friends, and that is Dr. Don Markenbaldi. He is a different kind of doctor who proposes to fix literary problems, but only muddles them up for his own benefit. He is for all intents and purposes a quack.

  • Does the U.S. government certify straight-up quacks?

No. They are awarded their degrees and honorifics by other quacks within their own circle.

  • Is Dr. Don Markenbaldi dangerous AND lecherous?

There are many urban legends about lechery that originate with circus doctors – untrained ‘specialists’ who do dangerous work in front of crowds for money. I would say Dr. Don is indeed a kind of circus doctor, and it is true that many have fallen under his spell. Just ask his wife Betsy-Lou.

  • How does literary hypnotism work?

Don Markenbaldi has a gesticulating hand that he swings in front of the eyes of intellectually insecure, badly bullied undergrads. Together he leads them to discover that there are what Don likes to call ‘words between the lines’, in other words sex.

  • Can a person be taken advantage of while under the influence of Don Markenbaldi?

Absolutely. There is no special code word (like the ‘safe word’ you may use with your partner) in Don’s closed-door sessions.

  • What special tools and techniques does Don use?

Alcohol, ‘Mary Jane’, and it has been rumored a special tincture of peyote, which he rubs inside the covers of his own books, all required reading for his students, before he forces them to buy them out of his handcart.

  • I live in New York. Is Don Markenbaldi still a danger to me?

Don lives in Peoria but spends a lot of his disreputable life traveling from city to city, hobnobbing with other quacks, and fondling starstruck undergraduates. Are you by any chance an undergraduate?

  • How did Don Markenbaldi become such a monster?

Poor diet, consumption of excessive toxins, rejection of the Lemongrass Seven Life Principles at the conference I led in Chicago in 1987, and unfortunate alignment of stars.

  • My sister knows Dr. Don and claims he is the nicest guy in the world. Is it true that Dr. Don has murdered more than twelve times?

His guilt in seven of the murders was somehow determined circumstantial, and the others were housepets; yet sentient, loving beings.

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