VEGETABLE SHORTAGE IN PEORIA? THESE LOCAL TEENS WATCH FEWER THAN 14 HOURS OF TV PER WEEK

A startling new survey conducted by the Gorko Gorkout Committee (GGC) has revealed what many readers may have already feared: Peoria is very likely on the brink of an acute vegetable crisis, with area teens vegging out at dangerously low rates, consuming far fewer hours of television than previous generations.

‘Yeah, I just would like rather read a book,’ one anonymous dummy told the GGC in her interview.

The survey took into account all forms of screen time that involved watching TV channels, film, or video. 59% of the troubled teens reported that their lack of interest in the boob tube was due to other forms of entertainment, such as roller-derbying, ice fishing, painting their car, making craft boxes with scented candles, or teaching themselves Russian.

‘The TV just doesn’t interest these young twerps,’ GGC coordinator Shelfie Wanns told The Gorko. ‘They are out there DOING things, and I am afraid it is going to have a real and long-lasting effect on this community.’

When asked what exact consequences they feared for Peoria, Shelfie simply moved their lips wordlessly, and looked to the sky.

Then they said, ‘Better start canning. The end is near.’

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash