Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly, your Life Doctor. I am a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with freshly smelling, non-creepy offices in Peoria. I offer safe healing alternatives that complement my physical remedies, guiding seekers with special techniques to help them achieve peace, joy, and life fulfillment.

Uncle T— from Peoria writes:
Dear Life Doctor Lemon Reilly, Could you cue me in on some of your best love secrets? I am 45 years old, unemployed, and living with my mother. The last time I held a full-time job was in an office in South Peoria where there was the most beautiful, intelligent, and fun woman whose name was B——. I am blanking out the other letters in her name but if you want a clue in all there are 3 A’s, 2 B’s, and two R’s. I have tried your Lemon Love Tonic #9 and all it did was give me ulcers. I was hoping maybe there was something basic I am doing wrong that you could point out. And if not I may have to resort to kidnapping.

Lemon replies:
But Barbara from the office is way out of your league, Uncle Toby, and has made that abundantly clear with both spoken and written refusals to engage with you in anything but a superficial water cooler but not lunch as buddies and certainly not drinks after work kind of relationship. She likes Dave and his sports car and toupee, not you.

Did you INGEST the Lemon Love Tonic #9? The bottle is clearly labeled FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY.

I think my son may be straight, Lemon. He is a gorgeous, intelligent, successful young man in his early 20’s who has never shown an interest in girls or been able to throw an object while rotating his body, and he loves scented candles and we go shopping together at Mavin’s. Recently however he has met and begun spending A LOT OF TIME with an attractive, smart, professional woman. I can hear them in his upstairs bedroom giggling and I found a ‘ribbed for HER (HER!) pleasure’ condom in the wash that I am sure is his (it certainly is not my husband’s). I would like your straight man’s opinion, Lemon: should I confront my son about his sexual deviance, or let him stay in his straight closet and continue TO SHRED MY HEART?

Lemon replies:
Ah yes, Kevin. He is as straight as a county line highway in Nebraska, you can take my word for it, and the sooner you accept it, GO AHEAD RIP MY HEART OUT OF MY CHEST (Stephanie I know it is you! tee hee hee), the sooner you can get on with your shopping. All relationships need change, and sometimes for straight boys that means ending theirs with their mothers.

That is all for this week, life seekers. May Mother Maya and Stepmother Sun bless you in all of your life-affirming endeavors today and always. Hug someone randomly while standing in line! ‘Accidentally’ drop money on the sidewalk! Kiss your elbow! And be sure to subscribe to my youtube channel.