If you are like the average Peorian forty-something trying to impress at a stags-only black tie event (hey why wasn’t I invited) in the exclusive and thickly carpeted Peoria Hilton overlooking Peoria Lake this weekend, you are not only going to need to trim your nose and ears, you absolutely have to go packing the best cigars the city has to offer. But just one word of warning: do not go into El Conquistador on Hancock and Perry, because there is a little hipster in there who has been keeping all of your snipped ends in a little baggie under the counter.
WHY IS THIS CREEP KEEPING MY SNIPPED ENDS
The long and the short of it? He worships you. You dazzle him with your fine taste, flare, witty banter, knowledge of shade and vitola (vitola is cigar band size — in your case just a 33, but you do not let THAT get you down), and the way you know how to handle a stogy while gesticulating.
WHAT DOES HE PLAN TO DO WITH THEM
Oh, nothing. He sleeps with them under his pillow.
DOES THIS LITTLE HIPSTER CREEP KEEP CHARLIE SHEEN’S SNIPPED ENDS, TOO?
No he does NOT. He is only keeping YOUR snipped ends, and you should be flattered. On the other hand, if you ask my opinion (you got it), you may want to begin a slow withdrawal from El Conquistador. Not so fast as to lead the little hipster to despair of ever rubbing shoulders with you on the icky black fake upholstery of the smoking lounge sofa again, nor too slowly, which could give him the mistaken impression that he is making headway with you — plunging out of the CIGAR BOY zone and into the coveted, luxuriously decorated FRIEND OF A PEORIA HIGH ROLLER zone.
However you choose to blow this weekend, we here at The Gorko are sure your diadema will be in cutting form.
Image generated on Stable Diffusion