Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly, your Life Doctor. I am a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with freshly smelling, non-creepy offices in Peoria. I offer safe healing alternatives that complement my physical remedies, guiding seekers with special techniques to help them achieve peace, joy, and life fulfillment.
Messy from Peoria writes:
Every year my wife and I throw a huge Winter Solstice Party in which all the guests are encouraged to unmask their inner faun, and revel in relative states of undress. CONTRARY TO MANY REPORTS THAT HAVE BEEN CIRCULATING, OURS IS ***NOT*** A FURRY PARTY, THE FURRY SOLSTICE IS RUN BY TOM H. IN SOUTH PEORIA, YOU CAN FIND IT BY FOLLOWING THE POLICE SIRENS AND BILLOWING SMOKE FROM BURNING VEHICLES. Fur at OUR Solstice Party is completely optional. Total nudity is also optional — while total lack of nudity is not. For example, some guests opt to go bare-chested, others pantless, and still others shed everything but the mandatory couch-and-divan diaper. Last year a terrible thing happened: a close relative of ours (whose name is Toby) arrived late dressed as a dog drinking cheap can beer and, apparently mistaking our party for that of the Hendersons’, began barking loudly, licking people’s faces, sniffing butts and crotches, and insisting that they escort him to the ‘bathroom’ by the leash. The bathroom was a bush in the front yard, in front of which the dog man would lift his leg and urinate. When we spoke to the person in question afterwards about his behavior at our non-furry party (our guests may be wearing couch-and-divan diapers, and cavorting like magical forest creatures, but they stand on their hind legs while they do it, drink good wine, and we have never until last year had any noise complaints from the neighborhood association) he absolutely refused to acknowledge the events in question. He said that the person who entered our Solstice Party must have been Queasy Pete, his former college roommate, which we should have known if we had checked for the birthmark between Pete’s taint and tail. What can we do to prevent these ruthless furries from ruining another Solstice Party? Should we install electric fencing?
Lemon replies:
Calm the fuck down, Messy, you are going to give us all a heart attack! Things are NEVER as bad as they seem except of course in one of Tom Henderson’s events. In my experience the lost-holiday-party furry is the same as any other sentient creature on this wonderful blue and green ball we call Earth: out of bounds because emotionally they has been rejected by the fauns, they will only continue to misbehave and pee on ornamental plants, until you get them on their back and give them a truly good belly rub. BELLY RUB IS THE KEY. But too, be proactive this Winter Solstice season: invite both Uncle Toby AND Queasy Pete in the furs of their choice to your gala, at your home, and introduce them to some of the finer delights in life, such as those exquisite cheese boards you usually prepare, and of course the Domaine du Temple.
I’ll be taking a raincheck this year, unfortunately, since I have been invited to give the keynote address at the Winter Solstice Ball at the Peoria Holiday Inn.
Rose (again) from Pottstown, Illinois:
Today is my birthday. I am one of those rare individuals who taught myself how to crochet without any outside assistance, before the internet, using only psychic powers to tap into the Aspirate Cycle of Crochet. I have always been keenly interested in everything that goes on around me, from the movements of insects and pets to the speech patterns of relatives and neighbors. Yet for all of this, I never fail to see the forest for the trees, this means although highly even mystically perceptive of detail, I also have a firm grasp on my life strategy, and the overall TAPESTRY of life. I am, as it were, highly sensitive to the individual stitch, yet also masterfully attuned to the accumulation of stitches, or final product.
I have crocheted you a Winter Solstice Sweater.
Lemon replies:
Congratulations. Good for you, Rose. This does not however get you off the hook for the $1,348 you still owe Lemondrop Inc. for life doctor services in 2022-23, apart from your herbal remedy tab. I believe you know our address, and the name of our attorney.
Roofies from Cruger writes:
I got married on a beautiful spring day in 2023. I had known my dh for more than a year, his family was warm and accepting, and we had unusual chemistry: in fact we are both chemists for a large pyrotechnics company in the area. We make good money, have bought a house, and are planning to have children. And then several weeks ago FOOTBALL SEASON STARTED. I had known about my dh’s love for the sport, ever since our courtship in 2022 in which I would pop Fritos into his mouth as we both snuggled into winter, but now that we are married it is as though he is using Sunday sports to distance himself from me. Is it normal to put 11 fully grown men in matching latex pants above what should be the most important human relationship in your life?
Lemon responds:
This definitely depends on the 11 men in question, and your sexual preference, Roofies. Have you considered allowing the cable payments to lapse, or some other form of sabotage to the TV or electrical apparatus? A local blackout, for example, could be exactly the thing you need to rejuvinate Sunday romance with your man. In fact I was forced to do this very thing myself several years ago when Darren and I were going through rough times due to his infatuation with Marcel Musial on NBC’s Survivor. The first 48 hours without TV were a lot like that ‘junky limbo’ scene in Trainspotting, where the Ewan McGregor character decides to quit smack cold turkey. Your dh will be too ill to sleep, too tired to stay awake. Sweat, chills, nausea, pain and craving, needling like nothing else he has ever known will soon take over, and that is okay.
You will need to prepare a room from which your dh can not leave, essentially a locked room without windows. In addition: calm music, tomato soup, mushroom soup, ice cream, milk of magnesia, paracetamol, mouthwash, vitamins, mineral water, Lucozade, and the latest copy of Lemon on The Rocks magazine. One mattress, one bucket for urine, one for feces, and one for Other. No matter what he promises you, how hard he begs or screams, you must NOT let him out of that room. After 48 hours he will fall into your arms like the meaty fruit part of the fig from the fig nut.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
The Lemondrop Dream Blog FAQ
The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Never sleep under a moving ceiling fan
The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Are Citrus and Celeb Normal?
The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Husband won’t stop using the word ‘chuffed’
The Lemon Reilly Dream Blog : Therapist eats out of multiple McDonald’s takeout bags during sessions
Leave a Reply