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Review by Trixie McCarbre

Run time: 1h 4mins
Rating: Two skulls – some hints of plot but will ultimately leave you drow-sy
Format: Straight to VHS

If The Evil Dead and Lord of the Rings had a bastard love child produced by a disgruntled Tromer special effects artist, Blood Elves: For the Honour of Gladiswiel II would be the resulting abomination.

It is a (thankfully) short film that follows the escapades of rugged, outcast hero – Swarth Drfenlorng, played by Alistair Ront of Twelve Days as a Sexually Frustrated Werewolf fame, as he navigates seven trials– set by his limbuus bread addicted father and emotionally absent mother, to bring honour back to their home of Gladiswiel. No one is quite sure what brought dishonour to Gladiswiel in the first place, but if you enjoy pointless long angle shots of the Welsh countryside, followed by brooding, ponderous stares of the main cast smeared in jam, this should be on your watch list.

Some critics (who, like myself, have committed unforgiveable crimes in a previous life and were granted early viewing access) have said that Swarth’s journey is a carefully crafted social commentary on the nature of resilience in the face of insurmountable odds, how bravery and compassion are the only true paths to valour and even in our bleakest moments, no evil is beyond challenge. How they arrived at this conclusion when the deepest moment consists of sunlight glinting off a dubiously pointed nipple (before Swarth decapitates his oath-sworn brother, Bartholemew, for being his father’s unscrupulous bread dealer) as blood and crumbs fall to the floor in slow motion, is beyond mortal comprehension.

The action does increase midway through, when Swarth’s breathy love interest, the indomitable Lady Bivouac, takes ill and dies – probably from boredom. This would have been a good point to try and emotionally connect with the audience; to touch upon the unfathomable depths of grief that can affect even a hero like Swarth. Instead, the funeral ceremony is interrupted by a skeletal horde, which cuts through most of the cast (and budget) in what suddenly feels like an unnecessary splatterfest, serving only to allow gratuitous shirt ripping and to show how ketchup can imitate blood if filmed with a wide enough angle and foreground blur. The massacre does spur Swarth on to complete the rest of his tasks, but the more astute among you will notice only six of the seven trials are actually shown. Thank goodness for the exposition segment between two undead ravens to clear things up!

Overall, it is not the kind of film one would watch, but rather be subjected to. Director Sonny Masterson creates something resembling a story, and dialogue that can be followed by most humans over the age of two, or a well-educated Border Collie– although forcing any creature to sit through the entire one hour four-minute run time would be considered cruel. One to avoid, if possible.

ABOUT THE ARTIST

Zoe Davis is an emerging writer from Sheffield, England. A quality engineer in advanced manufacturing by day, she spends her evenings and weekends writing poetry and prose, and especially enjoys exploring the interaction between the fantastical and the mundane. You can find her words both published and forthcoming in publications such as: Acropolis Journal, Strix, Illumen Magazine, Full House Literary and Broken Antler. You can also follow her on X @MeanerHarker where she’s always happy to have a virtual coffee and a chat.

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