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By Corey Pajka

Ah, finally. A little quiet time to kick back and cue up some of my Halloween favorites. Maybe I could watch The Devil’s Advocate, or The Exorcist? Ooh! What about Rosemary’s Baby? That one probably has the closest approximation to a cameo appearance by me that I can think of, and it’s on Paramount Plus! Wait, what’s happening? Why are the walls of my hellish man cave getting shimmery and translucent? Why are they being replaced by pink wallpaper and photos of Chappell Roan and Taylor Swift? Is that a Ouija board? And who invited all these adolescent girls? Wait, I get it. Hi, kids. It’s nice to see you, but can I say something? With all respect, it really isn’t okay for me, the Devil himself, to be here at your sleepover.

If you think your parents would be mad at you for watching Scream up here without their permission, imagine how they’ll feel when they see the original fallen angel keeping company with their precious offspring. I know for a fact that most of you are regular church goers. Does spending Saturday night with me prior to attending Sunday School tomorrow sound like a good idea? Granted, you know who would probably forgive you, but it’s an avoidable conflict of interests. Jesus is a nice guy and everything, but He has His limits; even if His time shrugging off my temptations in the wilderness would have you think otherwise.

I know you’re just having a little holiday-specific fun. What could be more apropos at Halloween than summoning the Prince of Darkness via that Ouija board your older sister told you not to mess with because they said it was cursed? You probably thought she was trying to have a laugh at your expense, but here I am! In all my profane glory! If my physical presence isn’t confirmation enough of the horrific powers you’re meddling with, have a look outside. The moon is blood red and the stars in the sky are falling to Earth. You’ve just broken the Sixth Seal! Also, fun fact: While you’ve got me in this fixed position, the thousand years’ captivity has essentially begun. Fun is fun and all, but do you really want to punctuate your weekend by touching off the next resurrection? Probably not.

Let’s consider something else. You girls are what, twelve, thirteen years old? Believe me when I say I am much older than that. Think of the awkwardness that would ensue if Kimmy over there had her older brother or her dad in the room for more than a minute or two. Now amplify that by about a thousand by putting me, Lucifer himself, in their place. I have enough problems with far-right Q-Anon followers who are convinced Hillary Clinton and I are trying to lure you into a dungeon in the basement of a pizzeria in Washington D.C. I’d rather not be thought of as some unholy pervert who sneaks into kids’ rooms at night on top of that. Even I, the literally God damned Lord of the Flies would never do something so horrific. On a simpler note, I’ve had one hell of a week (pun fully intended) and was really hoping to just chill out tonight. Consider the inferno and brimstone things at play here and you might understand how hard it is for me to achieve that.

Well, I’ve made my case. The next move is up to you. I hope it will involve blowing out the candles and putting that Ouija board back in the attic. I’d advise you to throw it away, but the last thing I need is some other group of kids getting ahold of it and having this happen all over again. Hey, I’ve got an idea! If you’re up for some spooky Halloween stuff, why not start a ritual bonfire in the backyard and throw the game on it? I’ll even stick around to conjure a necromancer and some flame demons to perform a ballet of the tormented undead. How’s that? Too much? Can we compromise by just putting it away? Awesome! Well, you kids have fun and don’t miss me too much. I’ll be lurking in the shadows as always, preying upon you in my ongoing war for human souls against your Lord and Savior. Don’t stay up too late, and watch for the mark of the beast! It’s coming soon!

ABOUT THE ARTIST

Corey Pajka is a Brooklyn, New York-based writer. He tries to take himself seriously, but his goofy t-shirts and love of Kenny vs. Spenny makes it difficult. His satirical work has been published by Points in Case, The Weekly Humorist, The Broadway Beat, Funny Times and others. He is the founder and editor of the socio-political satire site, The Flak (https://www.the-flak.com/). His plays have been produced at numerous venues Off and Off-Off Broadway in New York, and at regional theatres across the United States. He lives in Brooklyn, New York with his wife, playwright D.L. Siegel. http://www.coreypajka.com