Every week our Theme Expert, Teddy, goes into detail on a new theme. This week’s theme is What To Do When Your Bestie Reaps The Lost Souls Of Your Immediate Family.
I NEVER EXPECTED MY BESTIE TO REAP ANY SOULS AT ALL
When it started back in late October of 2024, this reaping of lost souls, you shrugged it off as one of Derek’s little quirks. He has always been a little off, and worn that goth eyeliner, and moaned a lot, and carried samurai swords and nunchucks. Why should your bestie not, after all, reap a lost soul or two here and there? It is not as if GOD needs them! So you chalked it up to Derek Is A Weird Boy, and even forgave that long detour through Decatur after Christmas. That was, of course, until Your Bestie started Reaping The Lost Souls Of Your Immediate Family, several weeks ago.
UNCLE TOBY WAS A PERVERT WHOSE SOUL WAS LOST IN 1986
At first you were not sure what Derek had in mind, when he pulled into your driveway at midnight in his black cowl and ’86 Camaro and pounded on the door. When you asked what that was in his hand, he only said that it was for reaping lost souls. Oh this again, you groaned, but agreed to go with him across town on the condition that you could get some Taco Bell.
‘Hey,’ you said, ‘Isn’t this Uncle Toby’s Camaro?’
DEREK PROCEEDED TO MOW DOWN THE LOST SOULS OF THREE-QUARTERS OF THE PEORIA CLAN ON YOUR MOTHER’S SIDE
What happened next was a bloodbath too gory for the pages of THIS humble mouthpiece of justice and democracy. Your bestie Derek took Aunt Linda, Grandma Toodles, cousins Jeffrey and Patsy and Mopsy and Joe Rattler, Uncle Biff, Uncle Ivan, the Au Pair Angélica, and apparently just for kicks several lollygagging teenagers outside the skate park on Johnson.
My god, you thought, even Uncle Biff was a lost soul!
DOES CHARLIE SHEEN EVER REAP LOST SOULS
Not of your immediate family, he does not! In protest you left the vehicle and walked the 3.8 miles home in your shirtsleeves, and told your bestie Derek to keep his bony hands off your family! But was that really such a good idea? It depends, I guess on THE CONDITION OF YOUR EVERLASTING SOUL HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
Join Teddy every week as he goes stalking the internet in search of new Themes.
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