MITCH’S MOVIE MASH: DON’T GO TO ‘ATAVAR 2’ FOR YOUR SEX WITH TAILS FIX

SPOILER ALERT: MITCHELL BASICALLY TELLS YOU EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS
TRIGGER WARNINGS: TAIL

It took me a long time, roughly half of the film, to convince myself that I was watching the correct movie after flipping on the reviewer’s DVD of James Cameroon’s long-awaited sequel to Atavar 1, Atavar 2: Underwaterworld, which James sent me in the mail to my home address (unpublished), begging for a four-puppy or better review. Where is the man in the wheelchair, I cried out to @Todd, who was equally disturbed by the violent opening scene, in which a boatload of tourists are overwhelmed by a tsunami and only one survives. Where are the purple elves who have sex with their tails?

In the Atavar universe it is important to understand that an atavar is a half human, half alien robot controlled remotely by scientists who in real life can’t walk because of past war trauma. The scientists are actually on a spaceship orbiting the planet Panroda but experience life as interlopers on the foreign surface like they were really there, walking talking and having sex with their purple tails. In Atavar 1 the protagonist Jake Sully falls in love with a native Na’vi (Panroda native purple elf) and they have sex with their tails, and got 5 out of 5 puppies from this reviewer.

The new Atavar is completely different. The scientists are not disabled since thanks to a new technology (this movie is set in the future) they have regained their ability to walk, and seem to have also lost interest for this reason in taking over atavars on the surface of planet Panroda. Only at the very end of the movie in order to help the lone survivor of the gruesome shipwreck regain her locomotion and pull her out of her coma, do the scientists get back into their atavars, and then there is no tail sex at all. The entire point of the movie seems to have been to revive the shipwreck victim, a person we do not care about at all since she only had one line before the catastrophe, ‘This was my mother’s wedding ring.’

Tripe, James Cameroon, and shame on you. For Atavar 3 we demand a lot more tail.

1 out of 5 puppies.