Month: August 2021
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LITERARY CRITIC AND ASSHOLE DON MARKENBALDI PROMISED YOU THE SKY, THEN DISAPPEARED FROM YOUR LIFE
Acclaimed literary critic and asshole Don Markenbaldi apparently is working on his third divorce, from what we can tell by reading his mail. You know how it goes with Don, because you were his first victim, back in 2005: promised…
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NOT EVERYONE SAW WHETHER ROBBIE VALLEY WAS ABLE TO DRAIN THIS THREE-POINTER AT THE BUZZER
Go Matadors! Photo by Chris Moore on Unsplash.
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SHE SPENT 5 YEARS PHOTOGRAPHING NOTHING BUT THE NOCTURNAL ROLLING CHEESEBURGERS OF NORTHERN VIRGINIA
Meet Shaela, the photographer and Virginia native who, for the past 5 years, has photographed nothing but the rare nocturnal rolling cheeseburgers of her native state, sometimes spending as long as 14 hours crouched motionless in the roadside bushes to…
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Book Excerpt: ‘Fifty Shades of Mitch’ by Mitch Kenn
SIIIIIIIGH. This is what we found in Mitchell’s creative studio this morning. CHAPTER 1 Ricardo is my roommate, and he has chosen today to succum (sic) to the measles. Therefore, the four-course dinner I was planning to prepare and serve…
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AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT *I* LOOKED LIKE MICHAEL SHANNON
Holy shit Sam, take a look at THIS guy. His name is Ruby and he is from East Peoria.
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WHAT YOUR NEW LOG CABIN NEEDS IS A RIFLE SLOT
I mean seriously, when they come for you you don’t want to wait for them to bust down the door, by that time it is really too late. You need to take the game to them. Pick them off from…
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Mitchell’s MASH THAT FLICK™
Hi and welcome to Mitchell’s MASH THAT FLICK, in which I Mitchell Kennedy literally destroy a movie. Today I will destroy a newish movie out of Lithuania, of all places! The name: Fresh From Prison and I don’t know who…
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No. 37
One-panel cartoon No. 37 is a commemorative edition dedicated to a very special person. You may not read it unless that person says you may. What do you think the caption says?
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GOOD GOLLY, THOUGHT THAT WAS AN EAR
I got another pair of clippers I usually use, these here are pretty rusty, which is why I was sitting in her with the drapes pulled when you started yer knockin. You can see for yourself this is pretty much…
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MORE THAN 2.9 MILLION PEOPLE LEFT IN KANSAS AFTER TORNADOS RIP ACROSS STATE
After more than 8 tornados were sighted having touched down across the infamous Tornado Alley in southern Kansas this past weekend, statistics confirm that there are more than 2.9 million people still alive in the state. ‘We started the weekend…
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YOU WRITE POETRY, UNCLE TOBY?
TOBY’S POETRYA Poetry Chapbook by Toby Poem One: Love Love is like a pumpkin pieCooling on a window sill. Butterflies and rainbowsAre like that pumpkin pie Love is likekladhkfsvfaevuifaeuvefuhifnjkdfskbjfsjkfsgf Hey what are you doing on my computer SEND A HAIKU…
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GOING ON THE LAM? DON’T FORGET THESE 5 ESSENTIAL ITEMS FOR YOUR OVERNIGHT BAG
So things have really gone south and you have decided it is time to go on the lam for awhile until things cool down. Make sure you don’t make the amateur blunder of overpacking. Even a few milligrams of extra…
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Upcoming Movie: ‘Flick of the Monogrammed Wipe’
The world of competitive badminton comes to life in this brightly-coloured biopic of star shuttlecockman Ramandeep Babu
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Classic Gorko: ‘Mr. Burt is the Unabomper, father of many great bompings’
Father of many great bompings.
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PEOPLE REPLACED BY YOUTUBE CAT VIDEOS, WHICH ONE ARE YOU?
Earlier this week, in a surprise move, all people everywhere were replaced by youtube videos of cats. ‘Meow,’ said President Joe Biden, voicing the opinion of now 100% of voters. Which youtube cat video are you? Below are just a…
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7 MINUTES LATE AND NOT CARRYING ROSES
By all reports Uncle Toby showed up 7 minutes late to his second date with Mildred Vazcenkl from the office and she was not impressed. ‘Seven minutes late and not even carrying roses,’ she texted furiously to her best friend…
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SWEATPANTS NOW MANDATORY
Citing the one-year COVID lockdown, a world-wide health emergency that saw most of the business sector working from home, as primary culprit, design critic Ashamore Judd of exystudiotime.com apologized for the latest fashion fad: sweatpants in the workplace. ‘There are…
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MISTER ROGERS SPOTTED BEHIND COUNTER IN MEXICAN LIQUOR N GROCERY
‘Siempre he querido ser su vecino,’ he told reporters, going on to explain that he had been forced for financial reasons to move to Mexico and pick up a counter job in Churubusco. ‘All jobs are important,’ he said in…
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TERRIFYING VIDEO SHOWS SIX-STOREY ARACHNIDS RIPPING SLEEPING RESIDENTS FROM BEIJING HIGHRISES
The authenticity of a video circulating early this morning on social media showing giant spider-like creatures ripping sleeping residents from their Beijing highrise bedrooms has been confirmed. ‘These creatures are terrifying,’ reported Gorko International journalist Mila Wolfeschlegelstein from an improvised…
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OUR NATURE CORRESPONDENT WENT TO THE DESERT ON A HORSE WITH NO NAME
Our Nature Correspondent Dale Duyamishlebout (they/them/their/they’re, last name pronounced Toodles) reports back from the desert, where they went on a horse without a name.
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NOW YOU GOING TO MOVE YOUR CAR OUT OF THE HANDICAPPED SPOT, OR DO WE HAVE A PROBLEM MISTER
I am the apartment manager of this complex so look I am going to call the police if you do not move your stupid car out of the special needs parking spot in three seconds flat, mister. No, you know…
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IS YOUR LAUGH THE DUMBEST AND ALSO LOUDEST?
Yes, it is. You go, ‘Hyeh hyeh yeh yeh yeh YEEEEEH!’ when you laugh. And you laugh all day. Your dumb brain constantly finds things funny. Your level of dumb is 10 out of 10 agree the dumbest, and it…
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‘ESCAPED POLAR BEAR EUTHANIZED’ WOULD BE EUPHEMISM
A local prankster was booked by Peoria’s finest Thursday afternoon after opening the door to the Peoria Zoo’s female polar bear Suzie’s cage and then luring her out with a bucket of fish. Suzie was less lucky — she was…
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Upcoming Movie: ‘Michelob Has Fallen’
Since your uncle Toby insists on only drinking lite beer and because it was his barbecue and all you had to do was just go across the lawn in your shorts with some sweet corn, well, sure let’s drink a…
