Month: January 2022
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FTW: THIS PLACEKICKER THINKS HE’S JESUS
San Francisco 49ers professional placekicker Robbie Gould has confirmed that he believes he is the literal second incarnation of Jesus Christ. ‘I am basically God to you,’ he told Los Angeles Rams head coach Sean McVay in Latin after Sunday’s…
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LIFE GAVE ME PANCAKE BATTER AND A HOT GRIDDLE, SO I MADE PANCAKES
Some people and you know who you are come into the kitchen expecting a full American breakfast. Not I.
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WE FILMED IT ALL: LOCAL SHOPPER SURPRISED, KNOCKED DOWN, SLOWLY STRANGLED, EATEN BY SNAKE
Sometimes you make the news, and at other times, as an unfortunate local shopper Tobias found out Wednesday, the news makes you. Gorko reporters happened to be in the area when the customer was surprised, knocked down, slowly strangled, and…
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Mitch’s Movie Mash: ‘Spider-Man: The Way Home’ Shows Us That Not Everyone Can Be Famous
About two-thirds of the way through the new Marvel Studios latest Spider-Man, I began to wonder how the movie would end.
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ROMANIAN PRESIDENT SOMEHOW HAS YOUR PHONE NUMBER
His Excellency Klaus Iohannis the President of Romania somehow has your number and has been calling you up every half hour trying to convince you to listen to a speech he is getting ready for the United Nations. ‘It’s just…
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OH YOU CALL IT A WATER PIPE
Uncle Toby is not as up to date on his ‘street slang’ as he once thought, reports local child Nadira. ‘He busted us with a bong out behind the toolshed so we just told him what, this, this is a…
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Book Excerpt: ‘Mitch: A Memoir’ by Mitchell Kennedy
Gorko movie reviewer Mitchell Kennedy strikes out into the world of nonfiction with his latest, an introspective whirlwind tour through the man’s own childhood and youth. What makes any of it compelling in any way remains to be seen. OPENING…
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POPE MAKES VEILED REFERENCE TO THAT THING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO STAY IN LAS VEGAS
Addressing a crowd of several thousand gathered in St. Peter’s Square this Wednesday, Pope Francis urged listeners to make better choices about healthcare, lamented living conditions in several poor Italian neighborhoods, condemned abortion, called on young people to bear testimony…
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Upcoming Movie: ‘The Mattress 3’
All is not as it seems in the Wegacha sisters’ much-anticipated sequel to the science fiction blockbuster franchise ‘The Mattress’ and ‘The Mattress Flipped’, now entering its 20th year and no less relevant for Generation Mil youth with its authorized…
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SO THEY INVITED YOU TO A PARTY, HMM, WOULD YOU LOOK AT YOU
So they invited you to a party, hmm, well would you look at you, all dressed up and going to a party. They invited me to a party last year but I decided it was better to stay home and…
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POETRY SOCIETY TO HAVE MEETING TOMORROW NIGHT
Microfilm archives plundered from https://cdnc.ucr.edu/. YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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YOU WILL LOVE THESE AMAZING 38-INGREDIENT, 18-STEP DESSERTS
Tired of simple, three-ingredient desserts you can just whip out without thinking after a hard day at the office? Well you aren’t alone. 1 in 1 people responded in a recent Gorko poll that they would rather spend MORE time…
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WORSE THAN OUIJA? THIS BOY’S HEAD BURST INTO FLAMES AFTER RECITING COMPLETE LOTR RING VERSE
Local pre-teen Randall McClaughlin was rushed to the St. Martha emergency room in the early morning hours this past Saturday, victim of spontaneous combustion during a private seance in which himself and three other area children recited the complete Lord…
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SO YOU BUILT A ROLLER COASTER. NOW WHAT?
It took you years of backbreaking work with your donkey Spanko, but you were finally able to step back in satisfaction, tip back your sombrero, and admire the roller coaster you built with your own hands. Now what? Uncertain of…
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: The Lemon Palace
It is not uncommon for seekers to go through a phase of fear and doubt before accepting the existence of the Lemon Palace, or ‘Heaven’ as it is known in several religions.
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STUNNING PAINTINGS TO HANG OVER YOUR DEPRESSING WINDOWS THIS WINTER
So your seasonal affective disorder will be pretty much about in full swing by the end of the month. Why not nip it in the bud today by covering the dreary views of gray, sodden Peoria with one or more…
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BRRRR!!!
I think I’ll take the open wagon to market today. Photo by Randy Fath on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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The Theme of the Week is Regifted Fruitcake
Many poets, staggering through the front door after a large holiday celebration with family or in-laws upstate, overwhelmed by a pile of Regifted Fruitcakes, sink into a morass of despair.
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WHY THEY DESIGNED YOUR APARTMENT BUILDING SO PEOPLE COULD LIVE IN THE WALLS
You have heard them in there, late at night, gibbering and squeaking, sometimes just breathing heavily. Why did they design this apartment building so little people could live in the walls? Here are our top theories. THEY KNEW YOU WOULD…
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YUP, THERE SHE GOES
Every month around this time she goes into town to buy flour, onions, and pickling jars. If you don’t believe me just wait and see. Aha, yup, there she goes now. Fresh out of flour I am willing to bet.…
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HEARTBREAKING: LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO OUR ROBOT
It was not enough for them to unplug, dismantle the head and arm couplings, and make off with our robot’s most precious appendages. They also wrapped our robot in a dirty sheet, trussed it like a hog, taunted it, and…
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INSTEAD OF ‘SWORDSMANSHIP’ WE ARE GOING TO START SAYING ‘CANTALOUPE’
THIS IS WHY WE ARE GOING TO STOP SAYING THE WORD SWORDSMANSHIP, EI! EI! SWORDSMANSHIP, CANTALOUPE, BOTH THREE SYLLABLLES, EI! SWORDSWOMENSHIP DOESN’T JUST ROLL OFF THE TONGUE AND THIS IS WOMENS FENCING CLASS, EI! THIS IS NOT A SWORD IT…
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THIS IS THE GUY IN CHARGE
No need for that stapler after all, Brenda, because look who just arrived. It’s the guy in charge. Photo by Dmitry Vechorko on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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WHEN WE WERE PETS: THEN AND NOW
But we used to get three square and were allowed to lie on the bed, Jeremiah Johnson!! What could be better than getting one’s tummy rubbed? Shut yer yapper, Caleb, this is our last chance for freedom! Pets photo by…
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THIS IS WHERE YOU WERE CONCEIVED, SAYS UNCLE TOBY TO A POLAROID OF BARBARA, GESTURING TO HIS CAMERA
‘This is where you were conceived,’ Uncle Toby reportedly told a polaroid photograph he had taken of Barbara without her permission, showing the photo his camera. ‘He is so creepy,’ local child Nadira told The Gorko with a shudder. ‘I…
