Month: February 2022
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GORKO EIC TO APPEAR IN HUMOR ANTHOLOGY ‘WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE ALIEN BUDDHA? PART TWO’ BUY BUY BUY
WHAT IS THE DEAL Gorko EIC Colin ‘Raddy’ Gee has more serious fiction out this month in the new anthology from Alien Buddha Press, What Is The Deal With The Alien Buddha? Part Two. The three-time Buddha-nominated author continues his…
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OH DID I MENTION I BOUGHT AN ISLAND
Under ordinary circumstances it can be difficult to talk to Bifferham Lewis Carrington III, but when he has just bought an island with a cashout of his canned banana stocks it can get extremely irritating. ‘It’s just a small island…
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REPORT: 2022 JUST MORE OF THE SAME SHIT
The world is not post-virus, the cinemas are full of superhero movies, and YOUR ONLY FRIEND IS A CAT NAMED MUFFIN.
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GORKO WORD OF THE DAY: RUBLIDUB
rublidub (noun)/ˈru:-blɪ-du:b/ Definitionan inability to express a strong desire; emotional uncertainty facing a difficult decision while under observation by impatient employees at a major fast food chain ExamplesHelp me, ma, they have the double cheeseburger but I got the rublidub.When…
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Upcoming Movie: ‘What About Taxes’
Just in time for tax season comes the fresh relationship drama What About Taxes, the story of two young newlyweds who learn a valuable lesson about death and taxes.
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THE MONEY YOU SPENT ON THEM DIVIDED BY WELL YOU KNOW
4 dinners out, non-Dutch: $136.75 2 awful movies that they liked: $25 12 coffee dates (Dutch but you would not have bought any coffee if it hadn’t been for them, you hate coffee): $45.29 2 unfortunately premature birthday gifts (hat,…
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AMERICAN AIRLINES NOT RESUMING ON-BOARD ‘AMERILYMPICS’ AFTER GOLD MEDAL GAFFE
There are moments that you look back on as embarrassing for years to come, and then there are massive public gaffes that make you want to crawl into a hole and die, or even change company policy. What happened aboard…
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THERE ARE MORE THAN 3,000 KINDS OF DATES. WHAT KIND WILL END UP IN YOUR MOUTH?
The dating scene can be downright daunting. With more than 3,000 varieties of date to choose from, which kind of date is ripe for your lips?
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WHO KILLED SQUEAKY?
Family pet hamster Squeaky was found carefully laid out on the living room carpet this morning, dead as a doormouse. ‘We will find out who murdered Squeaky,’ exclaimed local child Nadira, holding up the household’s prime suspect Nyan Nyan (pictured…
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‘Gazelle of Unfended Láatsi’ by Antonio Bodega-Palabra
SHOULD WE NEVER SPEAK WHAT WE SAY / IN THREAT OF BRITTLE LOVE
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HUGE WINERY DISCOVERED WEST OF SACRAMENTO
no freaking kidding you it was totally a complete, intact 20th century or something winery complete with like barns full of wine
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THIS GREEN JUICE RECIPE IS EVEN BETTER WITH A SPLASH OF VODKA
Our green juice recipe is full of fresh, zesty kale, cucumber, lime, apples and celery! Loaded with a hearty splash of vodka, this juice is healthy and fun! You know about the health benefits of drinking your daily tallboy of…
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HURRICANE ELMO CAUSES NO DAMAGE IN FLORIDA BECAUSE WE JUST MADE HURRICANE ELMO UP
As thousands abandoned their houses and traveled north in response to a call for evacuation Hurricane Elmo made landfall in eastern Florida late last night. Surprisingly the havoc it was expected to wreak on the mostly just trailer parks and…
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COUNT DRAKGORTH HAS SPOKEN: YOU SHALL HAVE HIS CASTLE IN DRAKGORTH FOREST IN RETURN FOR YOUR THREE BEDROOM PEORIA SPLIT LEVEL
Insisting as usual on communicating via private messenger, Count Drakgorth has finally made up his mind about your current living arrangements: he will be deeding you his castle in Drakgorth Forest in darkest Romania in exchange for your modern three…
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THE HORROR: WATCH THIS PERSON’S VALENTINE DATE’S TEETH MOVE
Oh my God, look at the teeth just wobble every time she bites down on a rib. Maybe she should have ordered the apple sauce. Cottage cheese maybe. But it’s a Valentine’s Day date. I think there is going to…
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3D PRINTER OVERHEATS OUTSIDE WEST PEORIA, SPITS OUT 3000 REDNECK ZOMBIES
‘The fallout is completely under control,’ commented a PGI spokesperson.
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HOW A SOMMELIER RECOMMENDS GUZZLING WINE FROM A SHOE
Stuck in a rut as far as drinking wine from shoes at parties, or at home? Don’t know what new wines to serve in a shoe, or what shoe pairs with your old go-to favorite? Never fear, Mitchell the Gorko…
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THIS MAN LET BYGONES BE BYGONES
This man, Franklin Balboa Grifteba of Kenessee, Florida, has decided to let all of the bad vibrations, worries, and regrets in his life simply melt away. He listened to his heart, forgave the people who had hurt him, begged forgiveness…
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UNCLE TOBY MEANT TO GET BASKETBALL STUCK IN RIM, HE ALWAYS TRIES TO DO THAT
Reporting on the situation unfolding in the Peoria suburb driveway, local child Nadira told The Gorko that Uncle Toby said of course he meant to get the basketball stuck in the rim because he always tries to do that. ‘It…
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NASTY: WATCH THESE 7 PEOPLE DO THE NASTY
The rumors have not been exaggerated: people are out there doing the nasty like never before. Here are some local folks caught on camera doing the nasty. Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on UnsplashPhoto by Scott Broome on UnsplashPhoto by Juan…
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DARK CARAMEL DOUBLE MOCHA MACCHIATA VANILLA LATTE EXPRESS: NOT LEGAL IN SLOVAKIA
The dark caramel double mocha macchiata vanilla latte express has been banned in Slovakia for unfathomable reasons, reports Gorko correspondent Fishy Wishy. IF I DON’T GET MY DARK CARAMEL DOUBLE EM VANIMALLA LATTE EXPRESS I AM GOING TO GO CUHRAZY,…
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NEIGHBORS’ NEW DOG PETEY WON’T PLAY FETCH
Local sources have confirmed that the neighbors’ new dog Petey, a black shorthair, refuses to fetch balls or sticks and basically just stands there and blinks. ‘There is definitely somethin wrong with that dog,’ muttered West Peoria native Charles Buck…
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AND SOMETIMES ON FULL MOON NIGHTS A DISEMBODIED HOOP WOULD BE SEEN FLOATING ACROSS THE ENCHANTED SKY
Photo by MontyLov on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
