Month: June 2021
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WOMAN HAS BEEN TRAVELING FOR TWO YEARS — IN HER OWN HOME!
Over the past two years, Sandra Benucchio of North Peoria has visited every country in the world except Slovakia (or was it Slovenia), she told Gorko reporters as they worked a weekend shift at the local Wok This Way Chinese…
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BOOK EXCERPT: ‘FRIED GREEN RUTABAGAS’ BY MITCHELL O’HARA
But Margaret would not be consoled, and fell into a heap on the fancy carpeting.
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TODD AND ASHLEY NEILSON WELCOME SECOND BABY!!!!!!
Todd and Ashley Neilson, two little-known non-celebrities from West Peoria, announced the birth of their second child over Memorial Day weekend. Todd works in waste management and Ashley is a stay-at-home mother. Now these two boring people are proud parents…
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YOU KNOW THAT SCENE IN ‘ARACHNOPHOBIA’ I AM TALKING ABOUT
You mean the one where the spider drops on the chick’s face in the shower?
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Classic Gorko: ‘Frank Robinson, Resident Bag Lady’
Classic Gorko excerpts quoted from memory by a diehard fan of the old zine… I’m pretty sure I still have my copy of the last one you issued The one that contains the LARRY ANDERSON skit THIS HAS BEEN THE…
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‘IN AMERICA EVERY LITTLE GIRL GETS A PONY’ SAYS AMERICAN TOURIST IN ACAPULCO
Jen Smith of Harrison County and Smith Horse Farm in southern Indiana was overheard enlightening Mexican locals about life in the United States of America earlier today. ‘Every little girl gets a pony,’ she told the bewildered ‘natives’ José and…
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This Week’s Theme is Antibacterial Gel
As more and more poets are vaccinated against the COVID-19 virus, many will begin to experience a strange nostalgia for the year that was 2020-21, with its masks, chlorine doormats, oxygen tanks, and of course Antibacterial Gel.
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FEEL THAT WARM BREEZE, HAROLD
Nuclear holocaust survivors Maud and Harold Green have yet to realize their unique predicament as the last living people in Peoria, a source told The Gorko Wednesday. ‘They are just going about their normal lives as midwestern retirees,’ we think…
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Mitch’s Movie Mash: ‘Jurassic World War’ takes a pass on premillennialist escatology
If you have read the book Jurassic World War you will know that in the last chapter the entire conflict between dinosaurs and man is essentially rendered irrelevant by the second coming of Christ, the booger. The near-fatal curiosity of…
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SWIPED LEFT FOR THE LAST TIME
Swearing that he is going to join the gym, start biking to work (a 46-mile round trip), jogging weekends, and eating only salad on weeknights, coworker Presh Donahue sighed deeply and let his hands fall listlessly on his belly as…
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INSTANT POT® MAKING AMATEURS LOOK GOOD, BITCHES CHEF WEARING PARABOLIC SKIS
‘Amateurs, people who do not know the first thing about the principles of making a sauce,’ bitched the master chef.
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BOOK EXCERPT: ‘PRINCESS LEATHERHELM’ BY MITCHELL DARKWING
CHAPTER I “Princess Leatherhelm!” cried the gnome Jerrod, and he held out a small parcel wrapped in rough brown paper tied with a string. “Gnome Jerrod,” smiled the Princess, halting her steed Megalus with a thrust of her flashing stirrups.…
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BLIND NEPALESE MAN CLIMBS EVEREST, BEFRIENDS BIGFOOT, HOTWIRES DOWNED MILITARY HELICOPTER, FLIES TO KATHMANDU, LANDS AMIDST APPLAUSE WITH FURRY COPILOT, AND MELTS BACK INTO THE CROWD
We put the body of the article in the heading again. Psych! Earlier this week a blind Nepalese man climbed Mount Everest, befriended Bigfoot (who clearly lives up there), hotwired a downed Boeing CH47 ‘Chinook’ helicopter, flew it to Kathmandu…
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THERE IS A HAIRLESS TIGER IN YOUR FRIDGE DUDE
First of all that is NOT a tiger, it is a Terror Dog. It is a horned, quadrupedal demon known as the Keymaster and if you don’t watch out it will possess your body and bring you to full orgasm…
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Lemondrop reads poetry: ‘This Fair Oak’ by Maria Steinburg-Piccadilly
Today we will be reading a poem from one of my favorite authors, Maria Steinburg-Piccadilly, an eloquent poetess and Earth Child who spent the gloaming of her life, as she referred to it, right here in Reno. As we listen,…
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THE SILENT TREATMENT: 27 EXPERT OPINIONS
So it has happened again: after a wonderful afternoon in which you both laughed, cried, and ate some amazing sandwiches, she has mysteriously clammed up, and even rejects the advances of your hand across the vinyl of the front seat.…
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Mitch’s Movie Mash: Far From the Madd(en)ing Critics
About halfway through this summer’s astonishing Far From the Madding (sic) Crowd, the director’s cut prequel to Disney’s Babe, Tom Hardy stands up, dusts off his overall pants and declares, ‘Frankly, my dear, you are an exaggeration!’ and my one…
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EVERY TIME I TRY TO WALK AWAY SOMETHING MAKES ME TURN AROUND AND STAY
Look at us baby, staying up past midnight, arguing about who gets to keep the Chevy.
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The Theme of the Week is Muscle Cars
Every week our Theme Expert, Teddy, goes into detail on a new theme. This week’s theme is Muscle Cars. This week’s Theme is extremely important in the work of many modernist and contemporary poets. That’s right, it is Muscle Cars.…
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7-ELEVEN STALKER CAREFULLY OBSERVES ALL COVID-19 PROTOCOL
A local creepy guy in a clean black hoodie has been following customers into the local 7-Eleven, pretending to shop, and then following them out, careful to keep mask over both mouth and nose, observe proper social distancing at all…
