Month: April 2022
-
MASK ON OR MASK OFF? FACIAL RECOGNITION TECHNOLOGY TO BE USED TO DETERMINE WHETHER YOU ARE ELIGIBLE TO TAKE THAT UGLY SACK OFF
National health agencies have reported plans to use facial recognition, the technology that confirms a person’s identity based on their facial details, to determine whether you are good-looking enough to fully reintegrate into society in the new normal, or had…
-
SAD: YOU LACK THE SOCIAL SKILLSET TO INTERACT WITH CUSTOMERS ACROSS A COUNTER IN EVERYDAY SITUATIONS
It is a sad situation, and one I believe I have never in fact seen in all my days as manager of Happy Burger. You, my miserable little cashier trainee, simply lack the social skillset to interact with customers across…
-
REPORT: UNCLE TOBY JUST SPENT AN HOUR CLEANING HIS NEW TENNIES
She added, ‘He should just get black shoes if he is going to be so freaky about it.’
-
GUESS THE NAME OF THE POEM
Guess the name of this shitty poem by Los Decepcionados getaway driver Felipe Starks, composed probably in the summer of 1923 in Cincinnati.
-
EXCEPTIONALLY COLD WATER COOLER MAKES MINIMUM WAGE JOB WORTH IT
by Lizette Roman-Johnston I’m not one of those people who loves their job. Maybe I’d love it if they were paying me above minimum wage so my family can afford electricity, but in the meantime, I don’t see a need…
-
Upcoming Movie: ‘Two Friends On A Motorbike Crash and Only One Survives’
The latest Bollywood feel-good tearjerker is basically just the story of a man dealing with crippling guilt after he crashes his motorbike off a bridge with his best friend Babbar on the back.
-
WHAT KINDS OF MEN DO YOU USE TO PAD YOUR MAN CAVE?
What kinds of men do you use to pad your man cave? We asked five Gorko man cave experts and here are their responses. MAN CAVE EXPERT KIP: BLACK MEN MAN CAVE EXPERT SUFAMAN: MEN WITH SHIRTS ON, THEY ARE…
-
THE GOOD LIFE AND HOW TO SYSTEMATICALLY DENY IT TO FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES
Practically everyone in your life aspires to lead a good life. The exceptions of course are your uncles Toby and ‘Riffraff’ Ronnie, your cousins Gerry, Luis, and Miranda, and your great-aunt Richardine, all now serving time or dead. But there…
-
Classic Gorko: Espresso Sports
No one should have to read, that is be subjected to an entire article from the archive bowels of the old humor print zine, brainchild of a child. And yet, ESPRESSO SPORTS. the gorko gazette, SPRING 2022 you may also…
-
STRANGE BUT TRUE: THIS ROCKET SCIENTIST HAS NEVER EVEN SEEN ‘APOLLO 13’
You have never seen Apollo 13 starring Tom Hanks, Kevin Bacon, Bill Paxton AND GARY SINISE?
-
NEW VR HEADSET CAN SIMULATE LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM PARENTS
Lizette Roman-Johnston I didn’t want a lot for my birthday this year. Maybe just a Bed Bath & Beyond gift card and a nice note from my parents. But instead, my folks sent me a VR headset, which is awesome,…
-
ASK A CHOCOLATE BUNNY: WHAT CHARACTER ARE YOU IN ‘THE WIZARD OF OZ’?
We recently spoke to a chocolate bunny about which character it considered itself to be in the 1939 classic film The Wizard of Oz. TGG: What character do you consider yourself to be in the 1939 classic The Wizard of…
-
APRIL 23RD PRINCESS PARTY: DID JOE BIDEN FORGET YOUR INVITATION?
As the date of the big Princess Party approaches and the much-anticipated invitation fails to materialize in your mailbox, it may be worth facing the facts and asking yourself if it is possible that the President of the United States…
-
MORAL DILEMMA: SOMEONE LEFT ME 10 GRAND IN A DUFFEL BAG BUT NOW I AM SUPPOSED TO GET RID OF THIS BODY
Now I don’t know who the dead person was and I certainly didn’t kill them, I told myself. What is the harm in getting rid of it?
-
I ACCIDENTALLY CALLED THE CVS PHARMACIST ‘DAD’ AND NOW I CAN’T GET MY MEDS
by Lizette Roman-Johnston I just want to move on from this, but I feel like I can’t unless I share what happened. First of all, it was an honest mistake. I had just hung up with my dad after asking…
-
HIS LOVE FOR HER COULD FILL A SPERM BANK TEST TUBE. HE CHOSE TO EXPRESS IT DIFFERENTLY
Here is what he wrote: Roses are greenViolets are blueMy love for you could fill a well, uh, the seaInstead I got these for you. Questionably metrically? Yes. Factually dubious? Clearly. The right thing to say? Every last time. Photo…
-
SOBRIETY TESTS FOR BABIES ANGER LOCAL DRIVERS
‘People are making it look as though they are suddenly following the rules out there, but things as usual are not as they appear.’
-
The Theme of the Week is Fingernails Down A Chalkboard
Many poets like to have people’s attention all of the time, but short of carrying a wine glass and salad fork around with you everywhere, how can it be gotten?
-
5 LITTLE-KNOWN HERBS THAT ARE ALSO GoT SUPPORTING CHARACTERS
Tarragon Tarragon, a perennial herb in the marigold family and used in French cuisine with vinegar to flavor salmon or beef, is also known as the Spriggy Lord of Cape Kraken in Westeros. Marjoram Marjoram, the great-niece of Lannisvine of…
-
Cartoon by Jesse Hilson: MEANWHILE ON THE NATURE CHANNEL
MEANWHILE ON THE NATURE CHANNEL BY JESSE HILSON ABOUT THE artist Jesse Hilson is a newspaper reporter and cartoonist living in the Catskills in New York State. His writing has appeared in publications like Maudlin House, The Daily Drunk, Rejection…
-
WHY YOU SHOULD QUIT VAPING AND START SMOKING REAL CIGARETTES YOU GODDAMN COWARD
Lizette Roman-Johnston TW (multiple fucking ones): God, goddamn, goddamn jackass (lol), sucking on, Marlboros, wanna, Mary Jo, Buck You’ve seen the anti-vaping PSAs. God knows I have, considering they’re always interrupting my cop shows on USA. I can’t seem to…
-
IT *IS* IN THE DICTIONARY
I told you, Uncle Toby. Look! It’s right here. Photo by Ben White on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
