Month: June 2022
-
PENSIONER IS A RETIREE, SURROGACY ADOPTION, COTTAGING A HOLIDAY IN THE COUNTRY: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ THE IRISH TIMES
In a revealing new quick-guide to UK-based newspapers and tabloids for American readers, such beacons of the free press as The Irish Times and Edinburgh End, now widely available for subscription or free on the World Wide Web, culture writer…
-
THIS HORSE IS COMING FOR YOUR FISTFUL OF CARROTS
The horse has already made up its mind. …your move. Image by Dave Soldano at https://www.flickr.com/photos/davesoldano/52113199046/in/explore-2022-06-01/
-
GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY
Some lessons are harder than others. Some lessons are just plain unfun. We are not preaching. No one is forcing you to live a better, more productive life. All we ask is that you think over today’s line of wisdom.…
-
THIS DOG AND 10 OTHER THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HAVE
Here is The Gorko Gazette’s 2022 list of all the other things you want but can’t have.
-
The Theme of the Week is When The Tomato Falls Out Of Your Sandwich
Every week our Theme Expert, Teddy, goes into detail on a new theme. This week’s theme, just in time for picnic season, is When The Tomato Falls Out Of Your Sandwich. Many poets who stand up every day under the…
-
3 GREAT LASAGNA RECIPES FOR COVERING THE CRUSHED GLASS
#3: MIDWESTERN U.S. CASSEROLE-STYLE LASAGNA MADE WITH LO-FAT COTTAGE CHEESE AND SERVED ONTO PAPER PLATES
-
GORKO BIGFOOT SPECIAL PLANNED FOR OCTOBER – SUBMISSIONS OPEN
We are looking for articles, stories, poetry, cartoons, or whatever about Bigfoot, Yeti, Wildman, Wood Ape, Iceman, Skunk Ape, Grassman, Wendigo, Hairy Man, Cripplefoot or other bigfeet / bigfoots.
-
ARE YOU CRAZY: THIS WOMAN LIVED WITH THE GRIZZLIES FOR EIGHT YEARS WITHOUT INTERNET
‘I sold my cell phone in 2014,’ confirmed Bunny from her hospital gurney.
-
Tough Day At Work by Seamus Easton
If Fiona runs me again, I will knock her to the ground But help her back up because that’s good sportsmanship
-
SCIENTISTS SAY SURE, JACK, THEY COULD BREED 30-FOOT TALL CATS, BUT SHOULD THEY
‘We do not know if you have ever seen a half-digested human corpse barfed back along with some oversized kibbles on somebody’s front lawn,’ they quipped.
-
GREAT PLANT-BASED SNACKS NO. 32: INSTANT CELERY STICKS
So your New Year Resolution was to cut down on carbs by introducing more plant-based snacks to your weekly routine, and The Gorko is here to help. PLANT-BASED SNACK NO. 32: INSTANT CELERY STICKS Not only is our Plant-Based Snack…
-
3 TIMES HE FORGOT TO PUT THE OREGANO IN YOUR FAVORITE SALAD DRESSING
He can be so forgetful and thoughtless that sometimes it is almost like he is doing it on purpose. Last year he forgot your anniversary and just last week he neglected to compliment you on your new bob (a bob…
-
Portrait by Jen: Mitch Kennedy
Portrait of Gorko movie reviewer Mitchell Kennedy, compliments of Jen of MoronicArts.com. We asked Jen to provide their impressions of Mitchell, the man and artist. They are printed below. Mitch Kennedy Mitch has an itch and wants more publicity for…
-
STATISTICALLY PROVEN: EVERY TWENTY SECONDS A PERSON YOU KNOW IS PROBABLY THINKING ‘FAIRIES DON’T EXIST’
A shocking new study by Gorko Institute of Public Opinion (GIPO) published Tuesday revealed a fact that you may have already suspected, but most likely dismissed as paranoia.
-
WHOA IS IT WHAC-A-MOLE WEDNESDAY?
This reminds me a lot of the time when we forgot it was Mogura Taiji Monday until we noticed all the people running around whacking mogura!
-
MORE LIFE HACKS FROM SIMON AND GARFUNKEL: IF YOU ARE JUST A POOR BOY RUNNING SCARED LIE LA LIE, LIE LA LA LA LIE LIE
Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie, la la lie la lie Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie, la la lie la lie…
-
ARE YOU DEAD? TAKE OUR FREE QUIZ TO FIND OUT
So it is Monday again and you are seriously wondering whether you are dead or alive. No worries, friend, we’ve got you covered! Take our 10-item quiz (2 minutes) to see if you are in fact dead. 98% reliability percentage.…
-
AITA FOR CRACKING ONE TINY JOKE AT MY NEPHEW’S CHRISTENING?
by Séamus Easton First of all, I just want to state that I did not show up with the intention of, as my sister put it, ‘guaranteeing her son a chamber in the darkest corner of hell.’ I just wanted to show…
-
Portrait by Jen: Raddy
Portrait of Gorko EIC and EIG Raddy, compliments of Jen of MoronicArts.com. We asked Jen to provide their impressions of Raddy, the hunter and pecker. They are printed below. HUNT-AND-PECK Raddy uses a typewriter attached to a parakeet cage to…
-
WILL THERE BE SNACKS AT THE GROWN-UP PARTY OR JUST PEOPLE TALKING?
So they have invited you to another grown-up party, this time at one of those snazzy riverfront condos, and you may go because you have learned through many years of experience to tolerate this kind of event, but the burning…
-
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE MY BIRTHDAY FOR YOU TO PUT ON THE CHIPPENDALE OUTFIT I BOUGHT YOU
When a person say me puts out serious money for their own birthday just so those close to them, let us say in this case you and Toby, can look good on the most important day of the year, this…
-
THIS CLUMSY BOY BROKE THE INTERNET
This clumsy boy broke the entire internet earlier this morning. It has taken experts more than three hours to get us back online. The boy’s name is Joseph, he is from East Peoria, and he is wanted in more than…
-
The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Bomber Death Planes Riding Shotgun in the Sky
How can we be sure that pets are dead, and not traveling?
-
REPORT: THIS BABY KNEW YOU WOULD CHOKE ON YOUR ORANGE JUICE AND SPRAY IT ALL OVER THE WAFFLES
Somehow this stupid baby just KNEW you would choke on your orange juice and spray it all over the waffles. Little son of a gun. Photo by Jason Sung on Unsplash
-
THIS COURAGEOUS MAN WENT BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL AT THE AGE OF 56 AND WAS BULLIED LIKE IT WAS 1974
Unfortunately for Lenny, times have not changed all that much in forty years.
-
Bureaucrat Smiles by Ryan Keating
—Bureaucrat Smiles— A bureaucrat has forty-one smiles,each one a subtle dishonesty-like the smile that says you aren’t getting what you want today, even though you brought all the necessary documents, or the one that expects you to apologize for asking…
-
LIFE HACKS FROM SIMON AND GARFUNKEL: BE A SPARROW NOT A SNAIL
SIMON: I surely would rather be a hammer than a nail. GARFUNKLE: Yes, I would too. If I only could.
-
YOU KNOW I LIKE MY GIRLS A LITTLE BIT OLDER
Josie’s on a vacation far away so come on over and talk it over. There are a lot of things I want to talk to you about, for example how I like my girls a little bit older. I just…
-
Portrait by Jen: Lemon Reilly
Portrait of Gorko staff psychiatrist Lemon Reilly, compliments of Jen of MoronicArts.com. We asked Jen to provide their impressions of Lemon, the guru and truth seeker. They are printed below. LEMON REILLY Lemon has a head like a hole. The…
-
‘QUIERO UN DIVORCIO’ ONLY SPANISH WE LEARNED FROM NEW MASTERCOURSE ‘TELENOVELA SPANISH’
In an attempt to improve her street-register Spanish, hoping to inject her A1-level vocabulary with a robust array of synonyms for amor, yo ir contigo, and cerveza, Sheila F. enrolled in the brand new mastercourse Telenovela Spanish led by celebrity…
-
NEW STAFF PORTRAITS BY MORONICARTS TO BE HUNG IN GORKO HALL OF STARES
COMING THIS MONTH TO THE GORKO GAZETTE‘S PEORIA-BASED HALL OF STARES: NEW SHRINES TO STAFF MEMBER INDUCTEES LEMON REILLY, MITCHELL KENNEDY, RADDY Many new readers, hearing of The Hall of Stares for the first time, picture the Major League Baseball…
