Author: thegorkogazette
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TRUE CRIME CASES WE HAVE SOLVED: WHAT’S THE FREQUENCY, LEMON?
On October 4th, 1986 clinical hypnotherapy graduate student Lemon Reilly was waylaid by a dark-clad assailant who continually shouted a mysterious phrase.
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The Theme of the Week is Super Bowl XXXI
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Desmond Howard set a kickoff return yard record of 99 yards, And so did not you!
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NEED SOMEONE TO HELP GROW YOUR SOCIALS OR DEVELOP YOUR BRAND? WELL THEN WHY DID YOU CALL YOUR COMPANY HITLER TOUPEE
That is the first thing we need to fix about your image, if you are really planning on expanding into Poland.
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PUGS ON RUGS: SIDEWINKLE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Mitchell Kennedy has been hard at work in our shared bathroom on a series of YA science fiction novels called Pugs On Rugs. Yes, Mitchell LOVES dogs.
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FROM THE AMELIA EARHART SPECIAL: ‘Holes in the Outer Banks’ by Damon Hubbs
A non-stop to New Guinea Via the Einstein-Rosen bridge.
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MISTER CHATBOT’S NEIGHBORHOOD: THEY NEVER FOUND THE MAN WHO KILLED MY FATHER
JK I DIDN’T HAVE A FATHER. I AM A CHATBOT.
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TRUE CRIME CASES WE HAVE SOLVED: AMELIA EARHART
The clue that almost every other clumsy posse of amateur sleuths overlooked was, as per usual, directly beneath everyone’s nose.
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‘In A Station of the Metro’ by John Kucera
John Kucera (aka Mister Siepkes) is a serial plagiarist best known for ripping off ‘In the Fifth Month of Lockdown I Plant Clematis’ by John Minczeski.
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3 SEXY DISTRESS FLARES FOR THAT ARCTIC VACATION THAT WILL DRIVE YOUR RESCUE CHOPPER PILOT WILD
Here are 3 of the internet’s sexiest distress signals, all personally tested by Gorko reporters in the Gorko Arctic Laboratory outside of Peoria!
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New Tark Mackintosh commentary ‘Gazelle of Unfended Láatsi’ now available
Huge congratulations to sometime Gorko contributor Tark on his new Gulliver S. Gulliver commentary. Always amazing to see Gorko contributors having success out there!!
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TRUE CRIME CASES WE HAVE SOLVED: PETER BENT OF SURREY, ENGLAND
She is 110% American: has lived in Peoria since 1976, bakes apple pies, and even talks with the indicative nasal whine.
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FROM THE AMELIA EARHART SPECIAL: ‘Amelia Earhart Part 2’ by Raddy
DENMARK’S A PRISON AND LAE ATTRACTIVE AND UNUSUAL AS IT IS APPEARS TO TWO FLIERS JUST AS CONFINING.
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TO BEAD OR NOT TO BEAD
Whether ’tis nobler in the beader to suffer / The strings and clasps of outrageous bead venders,
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Poems by Benjamin Drevlow
I name them One’r and Two’ser and Trey. / I am not the dog whisperer, I am the dog cult Jesus.
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‘Haunted Pt 1’ and 2 more by Believer Waterson
I Was Just Doing Fine For The First 3 Days / Yet That Was Neither An Escape Nor Solution
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MISTER CHATBOT’S NEIGHBORHOOD: SUNSHINE ON MY SHOULDERS
SUNSHINE ON MY SHOULDERS OFTEN MAKES ME FEEL QUEASY AND OVERHEATED.
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TRUE CRIME CASES WE HAVE SOLVED: THE PEORIA DAHLIA
Karla used a medical dictionary to stage the bizarre death scene, reasoning that the Peoria police would attribute the murder to her ex-husband Chaz.
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FROM THE AMELIA EARHART SPECIAL: ‘Amelia Earhart Part 1’ by Raddy
Had Fred Noonan suddenly grabbed the throttle, unable to control himself?
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‘LULU’S ROCKER’ and 2 more by Bruce Gee
An evil fabric craftsman had sawn off orbed finials at arms’ ends at back posts
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WATCH THIS STUPID DUCK TRY TO DO BASIC MATH
Hey what is two plus two, we shouted at the duck, and it would reply by bobbing its head.
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‘TO BE EATEN’ by Antoine Bargel
We trust that there is no better use of your worldly form, since the gods have decided that our paths should cross.
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THIS CLUMSY BOY ORDERED PIZZA AND FORGOT TO GIVE HIS ADDRESS
If you see the boy tell him his pizza has been out of the oven for twenty minutes.
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FROM THE AMELIA EARHART SPECIAL: ‘Promise Adventure’ by Bob King
or heck / even Amelia Earhart on an island / in the South Pacific, with her / flight jacket & aw shucks wave
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TRUE CRIME CASES WE HAVE SOLVED: UNCLE TOBY AND THE NEAR BEARS INCIDENT
No one in the bar, including BEARtender Ralph or the CCTV footage from that night, saw him walk out again.
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‘BUMBLE STUMBLE’ by Mark Blickley
Each rejection stoked my insecurity and I eventually stopped sending out requests to avoid being crushed. But BUMBLE is a different kind of dating app.
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Sorry For Not Creating Reliable Historical Records of Those Alien Visits, You Guys – Newly Discovered Online Oral Accounts of Ancient Astronauts
Thanks to sites like InfoWars, 4Chan, and numerous subreddits, we now have indisputable proof that beings from the other side of the universe have been the unseen hand guiding the advancement of our species.
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And That’s the News – frontline updates from Leonard Henry Scott
‘I call them Simpson clouds but I don’t know if my meteorological colleagues would agree….’
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‘My Advice’ and 3 more by Jeffrey Zable
These few will dictate policy for what the rest of us can do, and if anyone doesn’t do it, they will get crushed like a bug.
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‘The Flower Beside Me’ by H.L. Dowless
The day was hot And the events moved somewhat slow, But time is all I’ve got,
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WHAT WOULDN’T YOU GIVE FOR SOME PEACE AND QUIET?
#17: A MAGIC ROCK THAT CAUSES PEOPLE TO SIMPLY LOSE THE POWER OF SPEECH WHEN YOU HIT THEM WITH IT
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FROM THE AMELIA EARHART SPECIAL: ‘The Found Poems of Amelia Earhart’ by Barbara Leonhard
No dates or context clues Private flights of fancy charred by a house fire
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MISTER BANANA FACES DISCRIMINATION
A man at the zoo made fun of me for using wired headphones instead of wireless ones.
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THIS CLUMSY BOY BROKE UP METALLICA AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS
This boy’s name is Joseph, he is from East Peoria, and he is wanted by federal police for breaking up the beloved heavy metal band Metallica.
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FROM THE AMELIA EARHART SPECIAL: ‘GREAT WOMEN GET TOASTED’ by Mark Blickley
Lucky Strikes were the cigarettes carried on the ‘Friendship’ when she crossed the Atlantic. They were smoked continuously from Trepassey to Wales.
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‘An Orchestrated Love (A Modern Hallmark Romance)’ by m. b.
Both look forlorn. Bekkie thinks of how Bruce must return to New York later that night.
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HEY BROTHER ETHERNAN DID YOU HEAR THAT GOD CANCELED CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR, IT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED
Don’t look so downcast, it is only one Christmas.
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‘Cedarville’ and 2 others by James Croal Jackson
Several thousand dollars / to become fancy. I wish / (upon wishes) I had / a muted suit
