New content every morning!

BY COREY PAJKA

Recent news events involving unidentified flying objects have prompted discussion of extraterrestrial intelligences and their unreported role in human affairs. One theory, known as ‘ancient astronauts,’ suggests that early peoples of Earth interacted with these beings, leading to radical advances in their culture and paving the way for the next stages of human development. One would think the leaders and scholars of these times would have created detailed accounts of these momentous events, but none were known to exist…until today! Thanks to sites like InfoWars, 4Chan, and numerous subreddits, we now have indisputable proof that beings from the other side of the universe have been the unseen hand guiding the advancement of our species. These documents are presented here for the first time. For the sake of clarity, emojis, embedded Alex Jones videos, and hyperlinks to Deep Web blogs have been removed.

The Sphinx and the Pyramids, Giza, Egypt: You’re probably wondering how we were able to create these massive structures as quickly as we did, minus all the technological advances you’ve probably come up with in the last few millennia. Our advancements in mathematics and engineering were of great use, and the slave labor didn’t hurt either, but those flying saucers and their tractor beams were the real game changers. They tackled tasks that would have taken us months in a matter of hours! One could argue that with all the extra time on our hands, couldn’t we have written this out in hieroglyphs for posterity’s sake? Well, given the extraterrestrials’ ability to show us images of the distant future, we figured a polarizing 1994 film called Stargate would do that job for us. This is what we get for playing Texas Hold ‘Em for an afternoon instead of putting brush to papyrus, huh? Anyway, sorry. We hope you’re enjoying a future free from anything resembling the Ten Plagues.

Stonehenge, Salisbury, England, United Kingdom: Our culture is unknown, and our records are nonexistent. As such, there are plenty of gaps to fill when it comes to the making of our contribution to the mysteries of planet Earth. Therefore, allow us to confirm: It was aliens. All the way. In the future, your scientists will be able to conclusively determine through radiocarbon dating that the construction of Stonehenge was a one thousand year-long process from roughly 3000 to 2000 B.C. Still, given the absence of any historical documents, how can you be certain we weren’t corresponding with our interstellar pen pals about the next steps in this process over a millennium? Can your fancy quantifiable metrics disprove that?

The Rapa Nui Statues, Easter Island: The rapture of what we were seeing kept us from putting chisel to stone and carving any account of it ever happening. Seriously, it was downright paralytic, dude. These twenty-foot-tall creatures hoisting and carving sixteen-ton stones of compressed volcanic ash before us in their own image is something that defies description, despite this sentence falling well within the category of ‘description.’ If only cameras had existed. Pics or it didn’t happen, right? They would have looked awesome on the ‘Gram. Another factor for our shoddy record keeping, ravages of time notwithstanding, could have been the ecological catastrophe we were enduring. One might hypothesize that if we had regular contact with aliens, why didn’t we ask them to employ their advanced technology to help us solve that existential dilemma? Your guess is as good as ours. Still, we’d like to acknowledge that it was aliens who were responsible for the giant heads. You’ll just have to take our word for it. By the way, did you listen to Rogan last week? Insightful stuff!

ABOUT THE ARTIST

Corey Pajka is a Brooklyn, New York-based writer. He tries to take himself seriously, but his goofy t-shirt collection and love of professional wrestling prevents that. His plays have been produced at numerous venues Off and Off-Off Broadway in New York, and at regional theatres throughout the country. His satirical work has been published by Points in Case, The Weekly Humorist, Flexx Mag, The Broadway Beat, and others. He is in the process of launching his own satirical website, and has started working on a novel based in the world of…professional wrestling (see?). He lives in Brooklyn, New York with his wife, playwright D.L. Siegel, and their adorable Pembroke Welsh Corgi Sancho Panza. www.coreypajka.com

Image generated on Stable Diffusion