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BY LEONARD HENRY SCOTT

‘I’m glad that mystery is finally solved!’

‘Yes, they are often confused.’

‘I always thought people were just mispronouncing the name. But now, I know that macaroons and macarons are actually two separate, altogether different things, both very good, I might add.’

‘Yes, they are similar in name, but conceptually quite different. And we do offer recipes for those who might want to try a hand at making them.’

‘Uhm, some of our more adventurous viewers might want to do that. But as for me, I think I’m just gonna keep getting them from you, Valerie. Again, this Valerie Albritton from Albritton Pies and Buns, a terrific bakery in town.’

‘Oh, thank you Sheila.’

‘Tell us a little about Albritton’s.’

‘Okay, well Martin Albritton, my grandfather was our company’s founder. When Grandpa Marty was young man, fresh out of baking school, he started his own business selling his original recipe hot buns all through town in his ox cart. And we still use that same recipe today.’

‘An ox cart, really?!’

‘Yes, he was very poor when he started out, much too poor to afford a horse and wagon. He got a deal on a small cart and an older ox named, Herschel that was blind in one eye. Is that okay to say?’

‘I think ‘who’ would be correct rather than ‘that.’’

‘No, I meant the blind part.’

‘Oh, .…’

‘I don’t mean to offend.’

‘.…It’s okay I think, although sightless may be a better option. But I haven’t polled our numerous blind ox viewers out there. Still, it is an accurate term and in this context it shouldn’t be offensive.’

‘Well, from what I’ve heard, Herschel had a terrible sense of direction, poor depth perception I suppose. He did bump into things from time to time. But all in all He was apparently a true joy and became like a member of the family. Grampa Marty would often talk about what a wonderful animal he was, gentle and hard working. I remember how he would go on and on about Herschel and those early days with the cart. He gave us such a vivid image of those times that I can almost see him walking beside Herschel amid the pleasant clatter of the cart’s wooden wheels along the old the cobblestone streets of town.’

‘Wooden wheels?’

‘Wagon wheels. Rubber was out of the question. It was the war, and you know and he was really, really poor.’

‘The streets are all asphalted over now.’

‘Yes.’

‘But back then, that clattering sound would let people know that he was there with his buns. ‘Hot Buns!’ he would shout as they walked along. He would come early in the morning with his fresh baked buns hot from the oven, great with your breakfast coffee. I can just imagine the sweet, enticing aroma of the buns that trailed along as he went. ‘Hot Buns for Sale!’ And people would run out into the street to buy them, men in their robes and women with their hair in curlers. His buns became very popular. So much so that he was soon able to afford to buy vegetable wagon and a horse!’

‘A vegetable wagon?’

‘He didn’t sell vegetables. Those wagons were just called vegetable wagons. But he decided instead to open his first bakery, on Charles Street, downtown. A vegetable wagon would have been too big anyway.’

‘What a story. I hope he found a good home for Herschel.’

‘Sweet animal. Grandpa would often tear up when he talked about Herschel.’

‘Yes.’

‘So?’

‘He had always told us that even with an older ox the meat was still pretty good, especially when it’s ground up with other beef.’

‘Oh.’

‘He did get a good price from the Bryerson Meat company and Herschel of course remained in his heart.’

‘Perhaps other places as well.’

‘Yes, anyway, Grandpa Marty was in the process of opening the new bakery and had even ordered a sign when he met and fell in love with my Gramma Julia. She was a pie baker and had just won a third place in the fruit pie division of in a rather prestigious county baking competition.’

‘Wow!’

‘Yeah. So when they got married, they combined their unique baking approaches a kind yin and yang so to say and opened the bakery together. Grandpa managed to notify the printer just in time to change the name on the sign. And they named the bakery Albritton Pies and Buns.’

‘Sounds like a marriage made in Heaven.’

‘Yes, they had three children. They divorced after about six years I believe. However, Albritton Pies and Buns, their creation, continues to this day. And it is celebrating 65 years in business.’

‘That’s wonderful.’

‘Yes, and this fall we will be opening our third bakery, out in Westlake. We’re very excited.’

‘Congratulations! Albritton’s honey buns, especially have always been one of my foremost guilty pleasures. So, so good. By the way, what was the original name before your grandparents changed it?’

‘Marty’s Bitchin Buns.’

‘Okay.’

‘Something that would get attention.’

‘Well, that would do it. But truth be told, I prefer the name Albritton’s instead. It has a kind of classy sound. Thank you so much, Valerie for coming in today and sharing these wonderful stories and treats with us.’

‘And now, here’s Gordon Panko. Put that macaroon down and give us some weather, why don’t cha.’

‘Thank you, Sheila. I was confused about the macaroons and macarons as well. I aways thought that people who said ‘macaron’ were just plain stupid.’
‘Whoa! We’ve talked about this. The word is offensive.’

‘Okay S-word.’

‘No, in this instance it doesn’t work that way. Besides, we already have an S-word.’

‘I thought that was S dot, dot, dot, or S dot, dot T.’

‘Gordon, in the future, just use a different word because in that context, the word you used is offensive.’

‘Duly noted, with my sincere apologies.’

‘Okay.’

‘But, you know, if a person is, well…that way, how would they know they are being offended?’

‘Gordon!’

‘Okay, okay. I know that look. Okay, again my apologies. Just ‘food for thought.’ However, I did have a question for Valerie about banana bread. I’ve always found….’

‘I think Valerie just left. So, what’s the weather doing out there, Gordon?’
‘Well, yes. Well, as you can see from the map, it is presently raining (still), coming down pretty hard. The rain on the map here is orange. But unlike the way it looks on the map, the actual rain we are experiencing outside right now is not in fact orange. This map representation is just a depiction of the rain, not the actual rain itself.’

‘I think our viewers probably understand that already.’

‘Maybe. This is just some insider info that they might find interesting. The weather graphics work like a kind of color wheel. Green is light rain. Yellow, a little heavier, then orange, harder. Then more and more reddish. And then finally, red. Red is heavy, torrential, gully washing rain. Could be bad if it is continuous, washes away pets and houses and cars. Remember the Great Flood and all the problems Noah had with the boat….’

‘I actually don’t remember that.’

‘….and the animals.’

‘Must have been before I took this job. How’s the weather doing?’

‘I’m getting there, Sheila. I’m explaining the map. You see, if we had that kind of rain in our area, the rain graphic would be bright red and probably pulsating to boot.’

‘I see.’

‘We don’t have that, anymore at least. Gosh no! But out west, they are really catching it. Between the fires and the mudslides and the rain and now snow! Snow in California, can you believe that! I don’t know why anyone would want to live out there. I am so happy living here. This is a wonderful area.’

‘Interestingly enough, back to the map, there is an actual type of rain that is called ‘red rain’. And it is red not just on the weather map. But outside as well. But we haven’t had any of that around here, so no worries.

‘But here, in our area, although we do have some rain, it’s gentle kind of rain. It’s going back to more of a yellow now, now yellow green, softer and softer. Remember those old White Rain Shampoo commercials, with the lady with the great looking hair, singing and dancing around in the rain with her umbrella and her raincoat? It’s that kind of rain, although for our purposes it’s not white. That’s not even one of the choices. But it’s a nice spiring rain turning greener and greener on our map, just like spring itself. Good for us so far. But we’ll keep an eye on it. Back to you Sheila.’

‘Thank you, Gordon. We have some breaking news about a reported crime allegedly committed in Bacon Ridge. We have Wil Sigowitz live on the scene. What’s going on Wil?’

‘Sheila, we’re here at the Valley View Kiss or Park and Ride in Bacon Ridge, where an alleged crime has reportedly occurred . We will not show the alleged crime scene itself or describe it in any detail because such a showing or description might be disturbing to our viewers. However, I will cautiously characterize it as gruesome in nature, knowing that the graphic implications of such a word in and of itself could conjure up unpleasant images which might cause some viewer discomfort. And for that I do apologize.

‘As we pan the camera around you can see that there is a considerable police presence here on the scene of this alleged crime. You’ll notice that police cars are scattered crazily around (my word, no offense intended) blocking Rt 5 in all directions, except for one skinny lane where alternating east and westbound traffic is straining to get through. It is quite a chaotic scene here and one can only wonder why the police have decided to block Rt 5 especially considering the fact that the crime itself allegedly occurred at some distance from Rt 5, and in fact rather deep inside the actual Valley View Kiss or Park and Ride lot itself, where I might add there is ample parking because that location is in fact a Kiss or Park and Ride, where kissing and parking are what they do. It is solely and unequivocally their actual raison d’etre, so to speak. Absent any clarification from the police however, and certainly not to cast aspersions on the wonderful work the men and women in blue do every day on our behalf, one cannot help being drawn to a conclusion that the police have chosen to park their vehicles in this manner simply because they can.’

‘Oh! I see the chief is here. I’m going to try to get him to speak to us on camera.’

‘Chief, Chief! Wil Sigowitz here. Can you give us an update on your investigation!?….Chief!!….Chief.’

‘Well, he’s waving us off. He’s talking with the other officers. Perhaps we can point the mic over there and hear some of what he’s saying.’

‘….and so what do you see there on the ground?’

‘Bacon Ridge Police Chief, Eduardo Robles speaking.’

‘.…A bunch of rocks laying around, Chief.’

‘They’re stones. Have you examined them?’

‘Some.’

‘Which ones?’

‘Uhm , grumble, grumble.…’

‘You know you have to do all of them and you can’t just look at them. You have to flip them over carefully, each one, one at a time.’

‘Yes, uhmm.’

‘Well?-‘It’s hard to tell which ones are already done. But we could do them again.’

‘No. No, if you do them once and then do them again that could be confusing. You have to keep track of the ones you do.’

‘Yes, usually, we note them in the book as we do them.’

‘Well, where’s the book?’

‘We didn’t bring it, Chief. We forgot.’

‘People, People, listen to me! When you come to these sorts of things, you must always remember to bring the book!’

‘Well, there you have it, definitely a teaching moment from the Chief. But it is apparent at least to us, that the Chief is determined to leave no stone unturned in this investigation. We will of course update you on its progress as we get new information. Hopefully, next time we’ll be able to speak with the Chief on camera. This is Wil Sigowitz reporting, here at the Valley View Kiss or Park and Ride, in Bacon Ridge. Back to you, Sheila.’

‘Thanks, Wil, excellent reporting. I hope they can get to the bottom of that alleged crime soon. And now, here’s Gordon Panko again for a last look at our weather.’

‘Before we get to that, I want to clear up something that has bothered me about banana bread. I think this is as confusing as that whole macaroon/macaron controversary.’

‘Well, I don’t know if we could consider that a controversary. It’s just something we didn’t understand. And now, thanks to Valerie Albritton we do.’

‘Okay.’

‘So what about banana bread bothers you?’

‘To me it’s confusing. It’s really cake. Why don’t we call it banana cake?’

‘It’s a sweet bread.’

‘It’s not bread.’

‘Sweet bread.’

‘Would you use it to make a sandwich?’

‘Well…’

‘Would you put mustard on it, pastrami, huh? It’s bread, right?’

‘Now…’

‘Right?’

‘You’re just being silly. It’s a sweet bread, a whole different category.’

‘Name one other kind of bread that you can’t make a sandwich out of.’

‘Cornbread.’

‘Okay, okay, perhaps a little too crumbly. I can see that.’

‘And maybe at some point, we can get Valerie back here to explain all these baking idiosyncrasies.’

‘If anyone can do it, she can. And I do agree Albritton buns truly the bitchinest I can ever recall ever.’

‘But getting back to the weather. How’s it looking out there Gordon?’

‘Well, it does look as though the rain is decreasing and the clouds on the map here are getting fluffier and puffier like the ones on the Simpsons. I call them Simpson clouds but I don’t know if my meteorological colleagues would agree….’

‘We’re running out of time, can we put a bow on that?’

‘….Okay, but bows shouldn’t just be stuck…’

‘My mistake! I forgot. You don’t like people sticking bows on packages without ribbons.’

‘Yes! Those packages are stupid looking. Oh, I’m sorry. I….’

‘No, no, I think that’s okay to say. Unfortunately, however we are out of time’
‘But what about the weather?’

‘We could do this. Save your place on the weather map and we’ll continue tomorrow. In the meantime to all of our viewers out there, do this: go to the nearest window and look outside.’

‘Cornbread, huh? good answer, Sheila.’

‘This is Sheila Potter, And That’s the News. Have a wonderful, wonderful evening.’

ABOUT THE ARTIST

Leonard Henry Scott is a Bronx born graduate of P.S. 34 who presently lives with his wife, Hattie in National Harbor, Maryland. Len’s work has appeared in; Sci Phi Journal, Mystery Tribune, Crack the Spine, The MacGuffin and elsewhere.

Image created on Stable Diffusion