Month: May 2022
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CLIMATE CHANGE MEANS YOU COULD SEE MORE IN-LAWS OUTSIDE OF PROSCRIBED HOLIDAYS
The real and lasting consequences for the humans in the picture, like large elephants in a room, were completely ignored.
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HEY FOLKS IT’S MUUMUU MONDAY
You know that coworker who always reminds you during the meeting 10 am on St. Patrick’s Day that today you should have worn green? Well I am the guy here to tell you that today is Muumuu Monday, guys, where…
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2 Poems by Ryan Keating
—By Jim— At the height of Jim’s skyward passionsHis affections no doubt surpassed The meagre twelve foot clearance of that Connecticut underpass All the steel of the overhead bridgeWas no match for the breadth of his loveAnd even spraypainted block lettersCould not…
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‘The Basket-Maker’ by Arthur J. Burdick
Everyone knows that all men who published poetry between July 1908 and September 1913 in The Cleveland Guardian had only one thing on their mind.
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WATER COOLER SQUIRT WALKING TALL EVER SINCE HELPING CARRY THAT BOX OF A2 GLOSSY BOND ACROSS THE OFFICE
The water cooler squirt whose name is Andy or Brian or something has been reported walking tall, that is correct, positively strutting around the office since helping to carry a fairly heavy box of paper products down the hall and…
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ASK A COPILOT OVER DRINKS SOMETIME: WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO CROSS ENTIRE OCEANS, ALTITUDE AND WIND BEARING *DOES* MATTER
This is known as ‘wind effect’ and that is what I am talking about.
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THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT MY JOKE, BUT YOUR LAUGH IS KIND OF CREEPING ME OUT SO PLEASE STOP
by Lizette Roman-Johnston I can’t tell you enough how much it means to me that you’d laugh at my joke. If I’m being honest, I’ve been a little insecure about my humor lately (Bumble matches have been unmatching me left…
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NOW THAT UMPIRES CAN TALK WE ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING ABOUT THAT LOW OUTSIDE STRIKE
Starting in 2022 Major League Baseball has started allowing umpires to speak in defense of their questionable, often baffling calls on the field. For the first time fans can hear what these grumpy, contrarian despots actually sound like, and the…
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ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT DON MARKENBALDI’S FRIDAY QUIZ: IT’S A TYPICAL ABAB CDCD ACBD CONFIGURATION
[30-SECOND READ] Yo, here it is, same as last week’s tho:1. A2. B3. A4. B5. C6. D7. C8. D9. A10. C11. B12. D Photo by Nguyen Dang Hoang Nhu on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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CELEBRITY CHEF ACTUALLY TOM CRUISE
Local child Nadira was the first to point out the obvious, that the celebrity chef on the new Top Chef America is a celebrity not because he is hot stuff in the kitchen, but because he is actually a celebrity…
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TEENAGE SON’S BUCKET LIST DOES NOT INCLUDE A SINGLE MENTION OF JAMIE LEE CURTIS
Local father Jeff told Gorko reporters this morning that he had been horrified to discover a bucket list in the dresser of his 14-year-old son Micah, as the list reportedly did not contain even a single mention of 1980’s actress…
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ENTRY LEVEL JOB ONLY REQUIRES 10 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE
by Lizette Roman-Johnston The job market has never been better. Just take it from me, a fifty-year-old white man with seven degrees. I’ve been a little bored at home since my kids went off to college, and I decided I’d…
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OH NO WE FORGOT TO FEED GRANDPA
I thought you fed Grandpa before we left. No I totally forgot. Dang, well he’s gotten into the trash again. My fault. I’ll clean it up. I wonder where he is now. Probably running with the landfill dogs again. You…
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Upcoming Movie ‘Thor: Love and Chunder’
Thor must join forces with Pepto Abysmal to stop the bellyache and avert a cataclysmic chundering that threatens to clog the very oceans.
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LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT SO THERE IS A BOAT FOR THE BOAT?
So let me get this straight, there is a boat for the boat? What are you saying about the boat in that case, that it might not float? This is nuts, look I think it is better if we just…
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IT’S TEATIME TUESDAY
Correct another week in a row, old chap, that is to say that you called it, good show: It’s Teatime Tuesday! Take your burnt toast coffee and scrambled eggs and bacon and shove off, American cousins, because today is Teatime…
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10 GREEN THINGS TO CHOOSE FROM
Photos by gary tresize Monika Guzikowska, Chris Chow, Joshua J. Cotten, Neven Krcmarek, Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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INSIDER TAKE: THE BEST ALL-AROUND ADULT DIAPER FOR YOUR OVERSEAS FLIGHT
That big overseas trip is looming and like so many other adults your biggest source of anxiety is not your acute fear of flying, stress of endless security checkpoints, complete lack of skill with foreign languages, or the deadlines set…
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I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT THE MAN WHO DIDN’T WASH HIS HANDS
On one (washed) hand, I can’t get out of that nasty public restroom fast enough for fear of contracting some disease. You’d think I’d be able to handle my dilemma. This wasn’t my first time using a public restroom.
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Book Excerpt: ‘Call Waiting: A Haunted Cell Phone Mystery’ by Mitch Jackson
No one in the world but Julie and Todd knew his secret nickname for her…
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MITCH’S MOVIE MASH: DON’T GO TO ‘ATAVAR 2’ FOR YOUR SEX WITH TAILS FIX
James Cameroon’s long-awaited sequel to Atavar 1, Atavar 2: Underwaterworld, which James sent me in the mail to my home address (unpublished), begging for a four-puppy or better review.
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TRAVELOGUE: WHEN IT IS NOT OKAY TO MAKE THAT REMARK ABOUT THE NETHERLANDS WITH YOUR DUTCH FRIENDS
That’s right, we have gone and made that quip about the Netherlands that has the potential to be so funny, so endearing under the right circumstances under the wrong circumstances.
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TODAY’S FORECAST: SHIT ABOUT SIX MILLIMETERS FROM FAN BLADE WILL LIKELY MOVE NORTH, SOUTH, EAST AND WEST
With any luck the main body of fecal matter will regroup and move southeast after passing through the fan sometime after midnight.
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CORPORATIONS STILL SAYING ‘THESE UNCERTAIN TIMES’ DESPITE CERTAINTY THAT WE ARE FUCKED
by Lizette Roman-Johnston As a serious journalist and proud policer of syntax, I cannot sit idly by while emails from corporations keep flowing into my inbox, mislabeling these times as anything other than undoubtedly fucked. That is why, on top…
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HOW TO SNUFF YOUR CANDLE
Many new castle owners, although happy with their candlelit halls and chambers, wonder if they are snuffing their candles correctly. This is the Gorko‘s authoritative guide to snuffing your candle. FIRST A WORD ON BITING LIT CANDLES An extremely common,…
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OH NO DEREK’S A GIANT
Oh no, Derek is a giant again. Truly appalling this time, though. He has run through town wearing nothing but a basket. There is nothing wrong with wearing just a basket. No of course not, but this was a GIANT…
