Kierkegaard’s Submission Guidelines
Submit your boring 6,453-word, first-person, present-tense story about how your mommy was mean to you one time, and you will regret it. Do not submit it, and you will also regret it. Whether you submit or you do not submit, you will regret it either way. Read the tedious or cutesy or idiotic submission guidelines, and you will regret it; ignore said stupid guidelines and you will also regret it. Read or ignore, you will regret it either way. Print out your autofiction about your dull life and mail it to NOON, or let it rot in your documents folder, you’ll regret it either way. Braid your essay or don’t, you’ll regret it either way. Put the audience at the reading to sleep with your sonnets about masturbating, or stay home and watch Jeopardy!, you’ll regret it either way. Kidnap a literary agent and lock them in your basement until they read your novel and fully appreciate the depths of its themes, the unparalleled craftmanship of its sentences, its crystalline prose, or don’t. Either way, regrets, regrets, and more regrets. But whatever you do, for fuck’s sake don’t pay a submission fee.
This, submitters, is the quintessence of the writing life.
JON DOUGHBOY
At 94, Jon Doughboy has led a charmed life as an installation artist, painter, and sculptor, participating in such seminal works as Manzoni’s ‘Artist’s Shit’ (Jon was integral to the piece as ass wiper-in-chief) and Warhol’s oxidized piss paintings (he held Andy’s dick). Walk through his latest installation @doughboywrites
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