Month: July 2021
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THIS VIRAL HACK FOR CLEANING BOOTS COST ME MY MARRIAGE
We all love our boots. We know that boots come from Italy, but even so they are extremely popular in Peoria. An Italian man made thousands of people, including my wife, extremely angry when he shared his morally dubious boot-cleaning…
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Classic Gorko: HAND PACKED BY BRENDA
No one should have to read, that is be subjected to an entire article from the archive bowels of the old humor print zine, brainchild of a child. But who was Brenda? THE GORKO GAZETTE, SUMMER 2021
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Mitch’s Movie Mash: Wherefore art thou Birdman?
NOTA BENE!!! Not to be confused with the 1962 Frankenheimer classic, Birdman of Alcatraz. We don’t meet the title character of Alejandro González Iñárritu’s 2014 Birdman until around the fortieth minute, when he is pictured striding along West 49th, near…
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AMBIENT SOUNDS FOR SLEEP TAPE 6: MEXICAN NIGHTS
Lullabye Records’ latest ambient soundtrack, Ambient Sounds for Sleep 6: Mexican Nights, claims to use the authentic background noise of Mexico to create a relaxing, white noise to help you relax and sleep. Previous soundtracks in the series have been…
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WHAT DOES ‘HAMPER’ MEAN TO YOU? AS IN, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION
We stopped ten people on the street and asked them if they could give us the definition of hamper, because honestly if you won’t even give us the definition of hamper, you are real low.
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THIS MAN SOLD HIS SOUL TO OBTAIN THE POWER OF FLIGHT IN ORDER TO BECOME WORLD’S GREATEST GOALKEEPER BUT HIS TIMING IS STILL WAY OFF
Nijs hopes the new superpower will improve his goalkeeping skills and get his team, FC Tweeny, into the VFFC Cup with a shot at the somewhat prestigious Former Champions Cup to follow.
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Emily Dickinson in her own words: ‘Because I Could Not Stop For Death’ (479)
Emily is my name, and I am a hard lady.
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ROCK ‘N’ ROLL CANCELLED
Citing the fact that it is ‘all just noise anyway’ the Federal Communications Commission Thursday cancelled rock ‘n’ roll indefinitely. What were some of the immediate reactions? ‘It doesn’t really affect us one way or another,’ commented local dentist Colleen…
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New Poem ‘Love’
Frankengirl is the pen name of Mary Gulliver, daughter of the famous Modernist poet Gulliver S. Gulliver. Contrary to expectations, she was in fact quite easy on the eye.
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The Theme of the Week is Fruit
Every week our Theme Expert, Teddy, goes into detail on a new theme. This week’s theme is Fruit. This week’s Theme has me extremely excited, guys. I don’t know what you think of corned beef hash or the truckloads of…
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Movie Preview: ‘The Man From Cincinnati’
Gulliver S. Gulliver’s lost 1936 screenplay is dusted off, then gussied up by an Ohioan filmmaker.
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BOOK EXCERPT ‘TEARS ON THE MOON’ BY MITCHELL DARKWING
Darkwing is the literary pseudonym of our resident (he lives in my basement) movie reviewer Mitchell Kennedy, and that of his dog Amperstat Todd, whom he insists on calling Darkwing Dog while he is writing. He is the author of…
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Classic Gorko: ‘Barns-With-Green-Roofs-Society’
No one should have to read, that is be subjected to an entire article from the archive bowels of the old humor print zine, brainchild of a child. And yet, the farmer/parent’s name is Farmer ‘Slash’ Parent. Har har. THE…
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TAKE A PEEK INSIDE THE LOST FLYING PYRAMID FROM APHIX 9 GOVERNMENTS DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW EXISTS
From its colossal titanium core to its needle-sharp prow and retractable solar sails, the flying Pyrámide del pántano unearthed this past spring outside of Mérida, Yucatan (from under a heap of expats) has exceeded the expectations of even its first…
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Gorkoglyph 1.2
ENGLISH MUFFIN FUCK FEARS TEABAG Found at the bottom of Lake Peoria in 2012, this semi-pornographic gorkoglyph demonstrates distinctive late-period characteristics: fascination with yet rejection of traditional gastronomical centerpieces such as muffins (glyph 1), youth immortalizing themselves in the punk…
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LEONARD NIMOY SURPRISES DESIGNER ON RUNWAY
Reknowned actor, filmmaker, and author Leonard Nimoy has been causing a sensation ever since he started dabbling in the fashion business in the mid-80’s. For fashion designer Muriel Casey, however, his appearance at this year’s Blue Ribbon Fashion Week in…
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6 Mistakes You’re Making When You Watch ‘Star Trek III: The Search For Spock’
1) You are not letting the actors speak their lines Even if you know every word of the script by heart, many people don’t realize that by speaking over the actors they are cheating themselves and others of the work…
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CRUISE SHIP GETS APPROVAL TO SET SAIL FROM MALAYSIA
‘Thank you,’ said the ship, a Mainstream Cruiser named Jerry. Jerry had been in quarantine since last December, following a deadly outbreak of coronavirus among his crew and passengers. He plans to head home to Florida where he will meet…
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EXISTENTIAL PHILOSOPHER-POET’S NAME IS ANDY
Turns out that the best-selling existentialist philosopher-poet Andrew S. Kuznetsov III, is just called Andy by his friends, sources reported Monday. ‘It is kind of a disappointment, to be frank,’ said JaMarcus, Mr. Kuznetsov’s new next-door neighbor. ‘I mean, he…
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Classic Gorko: ‘What is the difference between celebrities and mules?’
No one should have to read, that is be subjected to an entire article from the archive bowels of the old humor print zine, brainchild of a child. And yet, what IS the difference between celebrities and mules? the gorko…
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FAKE NEWS BETTER FOR THE DIGESTION, STUDY FINDS
A recent study claims to have linked the symptoms of unrest to unhealthy levels of consumption of real-life news articles and TV.
