Author: thegorkogazette
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ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT DON MARKENBALDI’S FRIDAY QUIZ: IT’S A TYPICAL ABAB CDCD ACBD CONFIGURATION
[30-SECOND READ] Yo, here it is, same as last week’s tho:1. A2. B3. A4. B5. C6. D7. C8. D9. A10. C11. B12. D Photo by Nguyen Dang Hoang Nhu on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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CELEBRITY CHEF ACTUALLY TOM CRUISE
Local child Nadira was the first to point out the obvious, that the celebrity chef on the new Top Chef America is a celebrity not because he is hot stuff in the kitchen, but because he is actually a celebrity…
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TEENAGE SON’S BUCKET LIST DOES NOT INCLUDE A SINGLE MENTION OF JAMIE LEE CURTIS
Local father Jeff told Gorko reporters this morning that he had been horrified to discover a bucket list in the dresser of his 14-year-old son Micah, as the list reportedly did not contain even a single mention of 1980’s actress…
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ENTRY LEVEL JOB ONLY REQUIRES 10 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE
by Lizette Roman-Johnston The job market has never been better. Just take it from me, a fifty-year-old white man with seven degrees. I’ve been a little bored at home since my kids went off to college, and I decided I’d…
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OH NO WE FORGOT TO FEED GRANDPA
I thought you fed Grandpa before we left. No I totally forgot. Dang, well he’s gotten into the trash again. My fault. I’ll clean it up. I wonder where he is now. Probably running with the landfill dogs again. You…
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Upcoming Movie ‘Thor: Love and Chunder’
Thor must join forces with Pepto Abysmal to stop the bellyache and avert a cataclysmic chundering that threatens to clog the very oceans.
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LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT SO THERE IS A BOAT FOR THE BOAT?
So let me get this straight, there is a boat for the boat? What are you saying about the boat in that case, that it might not float? This is nuts, look I think it is better if we just…
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IT’S TEATIME TUESDAY
Correct another week in a row, old chap, that is to say that you called it, good show: It’s Teatime Tuesday! Take your burnt toast coffee and scrambled eggs and bacon and shove off, American cousins, because today is Teatime…
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10 GREEN THINGS TO CHOOSE FROM
Photos by gary tresize Monika Guzikowska, Chris Chow, Joshua J. Cotten, Neven Krcmarek, Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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INSIDER TAKE: THE BEST ALL-AROUND ADULT DIAPER FOR YOUR OVERSEAS FLIGHT
That big overseas trip is looming and like so many other adults your biggest source of anxiety is not your acute fear of flying, stress of endless security checkpoints, complete lack of skill with foreign languages, or the deadlines set…
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I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT THE MAN WHO DIDN’T WASH HIS HANDS
On one (washed) hand, I can’t get out of that nasty public restroom fast enough for fear of contracting some disease. You’d think I’d be able to handle my dilemma. This wasn’t my first time using a public restroom.
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Book Excerpt: ‘Call Waiting: A Haunted Cell Phone Mystery’ by Mitch Jackson
No one in the world but Julie and Todd knew his secret nickname for her…
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MITCH’S MOVIE MASH: DON’T GO TO ‘ATAVAR 2’ FOR YOUR SEX WITH TAILS FIX
James Cameroon’s long-awaited sequel to Atavar 1, Atavar 2: Underwaterworld, which James sent me in the mail to my home address (unpublished), begging for a four-puppy or better review.
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TRAVELOGUE: WHEN IT IS NOT OKAY TO MAKE THAT REMARK ABOUT THE NETHERLANDS WITH YOUR DUTCH FRIENDS
That’s right, we have gone and made that quip about the Netherlands that has the potential to be so funny, so endearing under the right circumstances under the wrong circumstances.
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TODAY’S FORECAST: SHIT ABOUT SIX MILLIMETERS FROM FAN BLADE WILL LIKELY MOVE NORTH, SOUTH, EAST AND WEST
With any luck the main body of fecal matter will regroup and move southeast after passing through the fan sometime after midnight.
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CORPORATIONS STILL SAYING ‘THESE UNCERTAIN TIMES’ DESPITE CERTAINTY THAT WE ARE FUCKED
by Lizette Roman-Johnston As a serious journalist and proud policer of syntax, I cannot sit idly by while emails from corporations keep flowing into my inbox, mislabeling these times as anything other than undoubtedly fucked. That is why, on top…
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HOW TO SNUFF YOUR CANDLE
Many new castle owners, although happy with their candlelit halls and chambers, wonder if they are snuffing their candles correctly. This is the Gorko‘s authoritative guide to snuffing your candle. FIRST A WORD ON BITING LIT CANDLES An extremely common,…
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OH NO DEREK’S A GIANT
Oh no, Derek is a giant again. Truly appalling this time, though. He has run through town wearing nothing but a basket. There is nothing wrong with wearing just a basket. No of course not, but this was a GIANT…
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MASK ON OR MASK OFF? FACIAL RECOGNITION TECHNOLOGY TO BE USED TO DETERMINE WHETHER YOU ARE ELIGIBLE TO TAKE THAT UGLY SACK OFF
National health agencies have reported plans to use facial recognition, the technology that confirms a person’s identity based on their facial details, to determine whether you are good-looking enough to fully reintegrate into society in the new normal, or had…
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SAD: YOU LACK THE SOCIAL SKILLSET TO INTERACT WITH CUSTOMERS ACROSS A COUNTER IN EVERYDAY SITUATIONS
It is a sad situation, and one I believe I have never in fact seen in all my days as manager of Happy Burger. You, my miserable little cashier trainee, simply lack the social skillset to interact with customers across…
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REPORT: UNCLE TOBY JUST SPENT AN HOUR CLEANING HIS NEW TENNIES
She added, ‘He should just get black shoes if he is going to be so freaky about it.’
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GUESS THE NAME OF THE POEM
Guess the name of this shitty poem by Los Decepcionados getaway driver Felipe Starks, composed probably in the summer of 1923 in Cincinnati.
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EXCEPTIONALLY COLD WATER COOLER MAKES MINIMUM WAGE JOB WORTH IT
by Lizette Roman-Johnston I’m not one of those people who loves their job. Maybe I’d love it if they were paying me above minimum wage so my family can afford electricity, but in the meantime, I don’t see a need…
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Upcoming Movie: ‘Two Friends On A Motorbike Crash and Only One Survives’
The latest Bollywood feel-good tearjerker is basically just the story of a man dealing with crippling guilt after he crashes his motorbike off a bridge with his best friend Babbar on the back.
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WHAT KINDS OF MEN DO YOU USE TO PAD YOUR MAN CAVE?
What kinds of men do you use to pad your man cave? We asked five Gorko man cave experts and here are their responses. MAN CAVE EXPERT KIP: BLACK MEN MAN CAVE EXPERT SUFAMAN: MEN WITH SHIRTS ON, THEY ARE…
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THE GOOD LIFE AND HOW TO SYSTEMATICALLY DENY IT TO FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES
Practically everyone in your life aspires to lead a good life. The exceptions of course are your uncles Toby and ‘Riffraff’ Ronnie, your cousins Gerry, Luis, and Miranda, and your great-aunt Richardine, all now serving time or dead. But there…
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Classic Gorko: Espresso Sports
No one should have to read, that is be subjected to an entire article from the archive bowels of the old humor print zine, brainchild of a child. And yet, ESPRESSO SPORTS. the gorko gazette, SPRING 2022 you may also…
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STRANGE BUT TRUE: THIS ROCKET SCIENTIST HAS NEVER EVEN SEEN ‘APOLLO 13’
You have never seen Apollo 13 starring Tom Hanks, Kevin Bacon, Bill Paxton AND GARY SINISE?
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NEW VR HEADSET CAN SIMULATE LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM PARENTS
Lizette Roman-Johnston I didn’t want a lot for my birthday this year. Maybe just a Bed Bath & Beyond gift card and a nice note from my parents. But instead, my folks sent me a VR headset, which is awesome,…
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ASK A CHOCOLATE BUNNY: WHAT CHARACTER ARE YOU IN ‘THE WIZARD OF OZ’?
We recently spoke to a chocolate bunny about which character it considered itself to be in the 1939 classic film The Wizard of Oz. TGG: What character do you consider yourself to be in the 1939 classic The Wizard of…
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APRIL 23RD PRINCESS PARTY: DID JOE BIDEN FORGET YOUR INVITATION?
As the date of the big Princess Party approaches and the much-anticipated invitation fails to materialize in your mailbox, it may be worth facing the facts and asking yourself if it is possible that the President of the United States…
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WHAT ARE THEY TOUCHING IN THEIR FRONT POCKETS THIS YEAR?
What are they touching in their front pockets this year, as compared to last?
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MORAL DILEMMA: SOMEONE LEFT ME 10 GRAND IN A DUFFEL BAG BUT NOW I AM SUPPOSED TO GET RID OF THIS BODY
Now I don’t know who the dead person was and I certainly didn’t kill them, I told myself. What is the harm in getting rid of it?
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I ACCIDENTALLY CALLED THE CVS PHARMACIST ‘DAD’ AND NOW I CAN’T GET MY MEDS
by Lizette Roman-Johnston I just want to move on from this, but I feel like I can’t unless I share what happened. First of all, it was an honest mistake. I had just hung up with my dad after asking…
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HIS LOVE FOR HER COULD FILL A SPERM BANK TEST TUBE. HE CHOSE TO EXPRESS IT DIFFERENTLY
Here is what he wrote: Roses are greenViolets are blueMy love for you could fill a well, uh, the seaInstead I got these for you. Questionably metrically? Yes. Factually dubious? Clearly. The right thing to say? Every last time. Photo…
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SOBRIETY TESTS FOR BABIES ANGER LOCAL DRIVERS
‘People are making it look as though they are suddenly following the rules out there, but things as usual are not as they appear.’
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The Theme of the Week is Fingernails Down A Chalkboard
Many poets like to have people’s attention all of the time, but short of carrying a wine glass and salad fork around with you everywhere, how can it be gotten?
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5 LITTLE-KNOWN HERBS THAT ARE ALSO GoT SUPPORTING CHARACTERS
Tarragon Tarragon, a perennial herb in the marigold family and used in French cuisine with vinegar to flavor salmon or beef, is also known as the Spriggy Lord of Cape Kraken in Westeros. Marjoram Marjoram, the great-niece of Lannisvine of…
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Cartoon by Jesse Hilson: MEANWHILE ON THE NATURE CHANNEL
MEANWHILE ON THE NATURE CHANNEL BY JESSE HILSON ABOUT THE artist Jesse Hilson is a newspaper reporter and cartoonist living in the Catskills in New York State. His writing has appeared in publications like Maudlin House, The Daily Drunk, Rejection…
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WHY YOU SHOULD QUIT VAPING AND START SMOKING REAL CIGARETTES YOU GODDAMN COWARD
Lizette Roman-Johnston TW (multiple fucking ones): God, goddamn, goddamn jackass (lol), sucking on, Marlboros, wanna, Mary Jo, Buck You’ve seen the anti-vaping PSAs. God knows I have, considering they’re always interrupting my cop shows on USA. I can’t seem to…
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IT *IS* IN THE DICTIONARY
I told you, Uncle Toby. Look! It’s right here. Photo by Ben White on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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SHIT, THIS IS NOT MY FERRARI F8 TRIBUTO
Normally I notice right away because of all of the custom gold on the stick but I must have just been distracted.
