The expression generally refers to a bad or difficult situation in which there may however be a glimmer of hope, or a good side. Not the case with Uncle Toby’s situation this evening. Image by […]
Author: thegorkogazette
WHAT IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY DRANK BLEACH, ASKING FOR A FRIEND
It has come to the attention of The Gorko that Spike French, our long-time friend and reader, has proooooo-obably guzzled about two liters of bleach, for some unknown reason, but insists that he is calling […]
NSFW, BOSS STERNLY WARNS, SPOTTING PIC OF GIRLFRIEND LEANING OVER POTTERY WHEEL
‘NOT Safe For Work, Doug,’ your boss told you earlier this morning, spotting what his pervert’s brain instantly processed to be sloppy pornography. There was shocked silence in the row of cubicles as his voice […]
5 FAST DINNERS FOR WELL TBH PRETTY MUCH EVERY FUCKING NIGHT THIS WEEK
We at The Gorko know how your fast lifestyle and slim waistline demand excellence in and out of the kitchen. We strive to bring you the latest recipes from the most exotic restaurateurs and Michelin […]
NEW FITNESS PROGRAM PUSHUPS WITH DAISY® BLAMED FOR RASH OF PEORIA-AREA HEART ATTACKS
The latest fashion fad to sweep the Midwest, the popular crossfit-esque Pushups With Daisy® workout program, may indeed make a clean sweep of Peoria, body and soul, according to local minister Rasbald Jenkins. ‘Pushups With […]
Upcoming Movie: ‘Assault on Cell Block Number Nine or Was It Nineteen’
Writer-director and lead actor Donny Dumanavich might have spent a millisecond more pondering the confusing and unnecessary title of his latest action blockbuster, Assault on Cell Block Number Nine or Was It Nineteen, because the […]
THESE INNOCENT CITIZENS HAD THEIR CARS TAKEN FROM THEM AND IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANY OF US
The Gorko hereby submits photographic evidence of a tragic and heartbreaking development in downtown Peoria today: hundreds of law-abiding citizens, dressed only in Spandex, have apparently had their cars confiscated by the government or a […]
WRITER’S BLOCK: WHEN IT AFFECTS YOUR THIRD GRADER
With kids across the country already back to school, many parents are being forced once again to find answers to those devastating third-grade writing prompts, both sentence and paragraph-level assignments. Fortunately, we have answers for […]
UNCLE TOBY WHAT DO YOU DO DOWN AT THE OLD QUARRY?
Ow, hey, fine I’ll get out of the car. Your car is stupid anyway. Uncle Toby has a girl-fren! Uncle Toby has a girl-fren! Photo by Artem Kryzhanivskyi on Unsplash.
The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Never sleep under a moving ceiling fan
Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly (@LemonReilly), Life Doctor, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with offices in both Reno and Mexico City. NEVER SLEEP UNDER A MOVING CEILING FAN It is very hot where […]
LITERARY CRITIC AND ASSHOLE DON MARKENBALDI PROMISED YOU THE SKY, THEN DISAPPEARED FROM YOUR LIFE
Acclaimed literary critic and asshole Don Markenbaldi apparently is working on his third divorce, from what we can tell by reading his mail. You know how it goes with Don, because you were his first […]
NOT EVERYONE SAW WHETHER ROBBIE VALLEY WAS ABLE TO DRAIN THIS THREE-POINTER AT THE BUZZER
Go Matadors! Photo by Chris Moore on Unsplash.
SHE SPENT 5 YEARS PHOTOGRAPHING NOTHING BUT THE NOCTURNAL ROLLING CHEESEBURGERS OF NORTHERN VIRGINIA
Meet Shaela, the photographer and Virginia native who, for the past 5 years, has photographed nothing but the rare nocturnal rolling cheeseburgers of her native state, sometimes spending as long as 14 hours crouched motionless […]
Book Excerpt: ‘Fifty Shades of Mitch’ by Mitch Kenn
SIIIIIIIGH. This is what we found in Mitchell’s creative studio this morning. CHAPTER 1 Ricardo is my roommate, and he has chosen today to succum (sic) to the measles. Therefore, the four-course dinner I was […]
AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT *I* LOOKED LIKE MICHAEL SHANNON
Holy shit Sam, take a look at THIS guy. His name is Ruby and he is from East Peoria.
UNCLE TOBY JUST GOT A TEXT MESSAGE FROM BARBARA AT HIS OFFICE
‘God look at him,’ local child Nadira told Gorko reporters from the back of her father’s bicycle. ‘He is acting like he already scored.’
‘Paean of the High Plains Drifter’ by Guy Duvet
SHOULD WE NEVER SPEAK WHAT WE SAY /
IN THREAT OF BRITTLE LOVE
WHOA IT IS EVEN BIGGER ON THE OTHER SCREEN, SAYS UNCLE TOBY, THIS IS AMAZING
‘Seriously, thanks for telling me about the internet,’ Uncle Toby said just now, slowly zooming in on a large pair of solid brass door knockers at Sears.com. ‘There is all kinds of neat stuff on […]
WHAT YOUR NEW LOG CABIN NEEDS IS A RIFLE SLOT
I mean seriously, when they come for you you don’t want to wait for them to bust down the door, by that time it is really too late. You need to take the game to […]
Mitchell’s MASH THAT FLICK™
Hi and welcome to Mitchell’s MASH THAT FLICK, in which I Mitchell Kennedy literally destroy a movie. Today I will destroy a newish movie out of Lithuania, of all places! The name: Fresh From Prison […]
THE NEW PLUMBER EVEN TAKES CREDIT CARDS
The new plumber is Andrew and he knows a lot more about life than just cleaning your pipes. He is an existential thinker and has even published pamphlets and given lectures. He says he has […]
Gorkoglyph 1.8
GORKO LOVE FEEDETH THE PEACHBEAST CARNIES
No. 37
One-panel cartoon No. 37 is a commemorative edition dedicated to a very special person. You may not read it unless that person says you may. What do you think the caption says?
GOOD GOLLY, THOUGHT THAT WAS AN EAR
I got another pair of clippers I usually use, these here are pretty rusty, which is why I was sitting in her with the drapes pulled when you started yer knockin. You can see for […]