Author: thegorkogazette
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SHIT, THIS IS NOT MY FERRARI F8 TRIBUTO
Normally I notice right away because of all of the custom gold on the stick but I must have just been distracted.
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HORSEBACK RIDING: CAN IT CURE INSOMNIA?
The question posed by bestselling Peoria-area author Paulette Joseph in her latest self-help book Pony Tales #14: Sleepless Rider, whether horseback riding can be the long-sought cure for insomnia, may just find an answer in the protagonist’s final soliloquy, as…
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GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN
This just in from Gorko lead reporter Pete UK! Contrary to all reports, despite being the fortunate ones when the phone rings in the middle of the night, when the workin day is done, ho hoooooo, GIRLS JUST WANT TO…
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OPINION: WHY THE LIGHTS ARE STILL ON AT JACK AND BARBARA’S HOUSE
The incident has been reported to authorities and police supposedly are on their way to the scene of the crime.
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COOK AS THE GREATS OF ENGLISH LITERATURE COOKED 101: LAY THE SIZZLING PAN OF WATER ONTO THE HOB OF VEG YET NE’ER STIRRING
CLASSIC SUNDAE DIN(N)ER POT (ROAST) (8 hours)
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HILARIOUS! COUPLE SETS RECORD FOR MOST TRAGIC EXCUSE TO SKIP AHEAD IN LINE AT AIRPORT YOU HAVE EVER HEARD
The buck, as they say, stopped directly in line behind us.
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CHEESY, DREAMY: OUR EXPERTS DISSECT A PEPPEPIDGE FARMS GOLDFISH
The definitive way to eat the reportedly cheesy, dreamy snack food.
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ILLINOIS TOWN CASHES IN ON LOCAL CREEP TOBY
The Peoria suburb of Squats are indeed making groundbreaking strides towards answering the question of what to do with local creep Toby.
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ARE YOU AS DRUNK AS A LORD? TAKE OUR FREE QUIZ TO FIND OUT
You have been drinking since 10 am and are definitely batshit drunk, but the question is: are you as drunk as a lord? Take our free quiz to find out. (1-3 minutes) Reliability: 88% Photo by Joshua J. Cotten on…
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THESE PUMPKIN SPICE COOKIES WITH CREAM CHEESE FROSTING ARE THE PERFECT HOLIDAY TREAT, TOO BAD IT’S MARCH
My famous pumpkin spice cookies with cream cheese frosting are definitely near the top of the holiday list.
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NEW KID ON THE BLOCK? THE BEST THERMAL UNDERWEAR FOR THE 2022 PEORIA DATING SCENE
Nothing says ‘I am desperate for a bit of attention from a stranger’ like hot pink or flaming red long johns.
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KNOW BEFORE YOU GO: DURING THE ATOMIC WINTER YOUR NEIGHBOR JEFF WILL PROBABLY HAVE CONTROL OF LOCAL FALLOUT SHELTER
You know what they say, what you may or may not know about the atomic winter will probably bite your nuts off. That is why The Gorko has been closely following Peoria local Jeff ‘JeffDawg’ Schwartz as he has consolidated…
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Mitch’s Movie Mash: Despite Gruesome Hygiene ‘The Batboy’ Has Bonified Man Wings
When Mother first told me about Matt Reeves’ new foray into the DC Comics version of Batman, The Batboy, I admit I threw my tuna casserole at the wall, plate and all. I hate it when she finds out about…
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2 Poems by Gene Goldfarb
The Good Bus Who are the people who compare me to a steam roller?I don’t ask anyone to throw their victims under me.Who calls me, in effect, the grim reaper by cutting offthe life expectancy of someone who got hit…
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THE CHURCH AND YOU: WHERE TO SIT, WHAT TO WEAR
Here is The Gorko’s guide to making a seamless transition into the body of Christ: basically where to sit and what to wear.
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CHECK OUT THE LEGS ON THIS MULE
Mule and Muleteer, 1832-1834 by John Frederick Lewis: Photo by Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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HEARTBREAKING: WE BOUGHT THE LAST PAW PATROL EXTENDING LADDER FIRETRUCK OUT FROM UNDER THIS LITTLE KID WHO HAD SAVED HIS ALLOWANCE FOR MONTHS TO BUY IT
Once again just beating local child Liam Shelby to the punch in the local Toys US ‘TRUCKS AND CARS’ aisle, Gorko reporters snatched up the last remaining PAW Patrol™ Extending Ladder Firetruck for their cop and firedogs collection. ‘Wah wah…
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WAIT THIS IS NOT THE UPPER MISSISSIPPI
Must have made a few bad turns. In fact this is not even a river. Photo by Mads Schmidt Rasmussen on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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NEW BOARD GAME A HIT!
by George Coufos COVID v. Cancel (AKA: No LIFE) Just when you thought things couldn’t get any better, along comes the COVID-19-Cancel Culture board game! It’s surely a sign of the times since it would make no sense at any…
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GORKO EIC TO APPEAR IN HUMOR ANTHOLOGY ‘WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE ALIEN BUDDHA? PART TWO’ BUY BUY BUY
WHAT IS THE DEAL Gorko EIC Colin ‘Raddy’ Gee has more serious fiction out this month in the new anthology from Alien Buddha Press, What Is The Deal With The Alien Buddha? Part Two. The three-time Buddha-nominated author continues his…
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OH DID I MENTION I BOUGHT AN ISLAND
Under ordinary circumstances it can be difficult to talk to Bifferham Lewis Carrington III, but when he has just bought an island with a cashout of his canned banana stocks it can get extremely irritating. ‘It’s just a small island…
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REPORT: 2022 JUST MORE OF THE SAME SHIT
The world is not post-virus, the cinemas are full of superhero movies, and YOUR ONLY FRIEND IS A CAT NAMED MUFFIN.
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GORKO WORD OF THE DAY: RUBLIDUB
rublidub (noun)/ˈru:-blɪ-du:b/ Definitionan inability to express a strong desire; emotional uncertainty facing a difficult decision while under observation by impatient employees at a major fast food chain ExamplesHelp me, ma, they have the double cheeseburger but I got the rublidub.When…
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Upcoming Movie: ‘What About Taxes’
Just in time for tax season comes the fresh relationship drama What About Taxes, the story of two young newlyweds who learn a valuable lesson about death and taxes.
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THE MONEY YOU SPENT ON THEM DIVIDED BY WELL YOU KNOW
4 dinners out, non-Dutch: $136.75 2 awful movies that they liked: $25 12 coffee dates (Dutch but you would not have bought any coffee if it hadn’t been for them, you hate coffee): $45.29 2 unfortunately premature birthday gifts (hat,…
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AMERICAN AIRLINES NOT RESUMING ON-BOARD ‘AMERILYMPICS’ AFTER GOLD MEDAL GAFFE
There are moments that you look back on as embarrassing for years to come, and then there are massive public gaffes that make you want to crawl into a hole and die, or even change company policy. What happened aboard…
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THERE ARE MORE THAN 3,000 KINDS OF DATES. WHAT KIND WILL END UP IN YOUR MOUTH?
The dating scene can be downright daunting. With more than 3,000 varieties of date to choose from, which kind of date is ripe for your lips?
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WHO KILLED SQUEAKY?
Family pet hamster Squeaky was found carefully laid out on the living room carpet this morning, dead as a doormouse. ‘We will find out who murdered Squeaky,’ exclaimed local child Nadira, holding up the household’s prime suspect Nyan Nyan (pictured…
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‘Gazelle of Unfended Láatsi’ by Antonio Bodega-Palabra
SHOULD WE NEVER SPEAK WHAT WE SAY / IN THREAT OF BRITTLE LOVE
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HUGE WINERY DISCOVERED WEST OF SACRAMENTO
no freaking kidding you it was totally a complete, intact 20th century or something winery complete with like barns full of wine
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THIS GREEN JUICE RECIPE IS EVEN BETTER WITH A SPLASH OF VODKA
Our green juice recipe is full of fresh, zesty kale, cucumber, lime, apples and celery! Loaded with a hearty splash of vodka, this juice is healthy and fun! You know about the health benefits of drinking your daily tallboy of…
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HURRICANE ELMO CAUSES NO DAMAGE IN FLORIDA BECAUSE WE JUST MADE HURRICANE ELMO UP
As thousands abandoned their houses and traveled north in response to a call for evacuation Hurricane Elmo made landfall in eastern Florida late last night. Surprisingly the havoc it was expected to wreak on the mostly just trailer parks and…
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COUNT DRAKGORTH HAS SPOKEN: YOU SHALL HAVE HIS CASTLE IN DRAKGORTH FOREST IN RETURN FOR YOUR THREE BEDROOM PEORIA SPLIT LEVEL
Insisting as usual on communicating via private messenger, Count Drakgorth has finally made up his mind about your current living arrangements: he will be deeding you his castle in Drakgorth Forest in darkest Romania in exchange for your modern three…
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THE HORROR: WATCH THIS PERSON’S VALENTINE DATE’S TEETH MOVE
Oh my God, look at the teeth just wobble every time she bites down on a rib. Maybe she should have ordered the apple sauce. Cottage cheese maybe. But it’s a Valentine’s Day date. I think there is going to…
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3D PRINTER OVERHEATS OUTSIDE WEST PEORIA, SPITS OUT 3000 REDNECK ZOMBIES
‘The fallout is completely under control,’ commented a PGI spokesperson.
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HOW A SOMMELIER RECOMMENDS GUZZLING WINE FROM A SHOE
Stuck in a rut as far as drinking wine from shoes at parties, or at home? Don’t know what new wines to serve in a shoe, or what shoe pairs with your old go-to favorite? Never fear, Mitchell the Gorko…
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THIS MAN LET BYGONES BE BYGONES
This man, Franklin Balboa Grifteba of Kenessee, Florida, has decided to let all of the bad vibrations, worries, and regrets in his life simply melt away. He listened to his heart, forgave the people who had hurt him, begged forgiveness…
