Author: thegorkogazette
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PAIR OF FREAKS ORDER SAME THING OFF MENU
Reports have been coming in about a pair of freaks who both ordered the same thing for dinner over at Chu Wei’s Fine Chinese. ‘I’ll have the kung pao chicken,’ said the first freak. The second freak opened her mouth…
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OF COURSE MARTIN LUTHER IS DEAD, HE WAS BORN IN 1483
Of course Martin Luther is dead, he was born in 1483! Duh. YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW MITCHELL KENNEDY?
TAKE THIS QUIZ TO FIND OUT! 1. What is MK’s favorite flavor of bread? white whole wheat rye raisin 2. What is MK’s favorite movie? Forrest Gump Star Trek III: The Search For Spock Star Trek (1979) Star Wars 3. …
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NEWLY SINGLE? 6 BREAKFAST CEREALS YOU COULD PROBABLY MANAGE TO GAG DOWN BEFORE WORK
They have left you again because you are a selfish, thoughtless excuse of a human being and just lie there instead of doing yoga before dawn. But you still have to pay the rent, so let’s get out there and…
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The Theme of the Week is Homemade Eggnog
Every week our Theme Expert, Teddy, goes into detail on a new theme. This week’s theme, just in time for the holidays, is Homemade Eggnog. Many poets forget about the real meaning of Christmas while bustling about doing shopping, putting…
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NOTHING IS WRONG, INSISTS FOUR-HEADED BEAST, JUST LET’S ORDER DESSERT
Photo by Jack Finnigan on Unsplash
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WHY EVERYONE YOU KNOW PROBABLY EATS CHEEZ WHIZ BY SPRAYING IT RIGHT INTO THEIR MOUTHS
There is no new way of eating Cheez Whiz, the nasty pastuerized processed cheese product from Kraft Foods, but you know the old way: shake that bottle, then spray it directly into your mouth until it is aaaaaaaall gone. And…
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OH FUCK HE BOUGHT A BAGUETTE AND IS CARRYING IT HOME UNDER HIS ARM HE’S A DEAD MAN
I thought this guy was like the protagonist but I was clearly mistaken: he just bought a fresh baguette and is carrying it back to his studio apartment somewhere up a long stone staircase, they are going to shoot him…
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Fat and Skinny Cows
Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly (@LemonReilly), Life Doctor, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with offices in both Reno and Mexico City. FAIRY LANGUAGE FIEND Last night I was speaking a strange and wonderful fairy language in my dreams,…
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THINGS WE ARE JUST LEAVING IN THE BOX UNTIL THE NEXT DIVORCE
You know how it goes after every divorce, you have to get your things and put them in boxes and move them to a shabby little apartment across town until you can find another life partner with a house. Pack,…
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REAL-LIFE VIGILANTES: WE TOOK THESE PEOPLE’S DOG AWAY
Sometimes enough is enough, and we mean buying a puppy for your eight-year-old, doing absolutely nothing for a calendar year to train it, and then tying it to a doghouse on your roof after it outgrows its cute puppy days…
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GET IT TOGETHER: THIRD WHEEL RICKETY AND WOODEN LIKE THIS IS SOME KIND OF OREGON TRAIL COVERED WAGON
When we invited Toby along for the weekend we did not expect this kind of third wheel situation. Well we knew it might be a little bit awkward, especially if we had to get it on in the back of…
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WHY DO I ALWAYS GET THE GROUCHY BARTENDER
It was one thing to get the grouchy shoe salesperson and the grouchy taxi driver. I even put up with the grouchy bellhop, rude waiter, unpleasant sommelier, and pissy booking agent. But I am putting my foot down right now…
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Upcoming Movie: ‘Christmas Confexxxion 3’
The latest Candycane Productions straight-to-DVD release, Christmas Confexxxion 3, is just in time for the holiday season, and boy are we gingerbready for this one. Starring Jane Cheddar and Clark Tony as Mrs. and Santa Claus, respectively, the movie deals…
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HEARTWARMING: THE MOMENT THIS MERMAID’S MOST FERVENT WISH WAS ANSWERED
Photo by bady abbas on Unsplash
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QUICK SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN A STEAMING CUP OF TEA TO ENJOY
She is standing at the window right now with a look on her face that shouts introspection, nostalgia, a true wistful hankering. This is the deepest thinking of her entire week, and she is not even holding a steaming cup…
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Mitch’s Movie Mash: ‘Insurgent’ teaches us how to laugh and love
‘INSURGENT’ TEACHES US HOW TO LAUGH AND LOVE I would call myself more an actor than a director. As many people know, I used to be a musical performer and I would play in front of large audiences, some of…
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HEY WHY IS THERE NO VERMOUTH AT THIS SALAD BAR
It looks like all you have here, in fact, are vegetables. Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
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The Theme of the Week is Getting One Up On The Joneses
You can stop feeling crushed and small, because this week’s theme is all about Getting One Up On The Joneses.
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HANDS-DOWN BEST JAPANESE SAKI TO JUST LOOK AT
The pure variety of Japanese saki can be daunting to the amateur rice wine dabbler, but not as daunting as the actual prices. Here are three sakis we recommend to break your bank and leave you wanting more. All prices…
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YOU KNOW THAT SCENE IN ‘AMERICAN HISTORY X’ I AM TALKING ABOUT
You mean the one where…uh…yeah, I do. In the shower. No you sick f#$*. Not the prison rape scene. Then the curbing scene. Where he curbs that guy. NO GOD. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. Those are like THE iconic…
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Poet’s Corner: ‘A Tale’
Commentary by Tark Mackintosh ‘A Tale’ One of the earliest surviving poems by Gulliver S. Gulliver, writing as a child under the pen name (name of the plum in French) of New York Sun, possibly a play on sun/son. river……
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NEW ‘SUPER COLD’ REPORTEDLY SUPER UPBEAT AND FUN
People are dying to catch the new viral infection from England
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CRYPTID CURRENCY REBOUNDS IN GREAT NORTHWEST
A continuing recovery for cryptid currencies Bigcoin and Mothlite has seen the currencies peak as high as $54,000 in the Great Northwest this week, continuing their recovery from a mid-year slump that saw more and more critics express doubt about…
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CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST? FUCK OFF
(For AOO) Photo by Melissa Walker Horn on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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5:43 PM AND PRESSURE MOUNTING ON GORDON RAMSAY TO MAKE TONIGHT’S DINNER A SPECIAL DINNER
We are now roughly forty minutes into this Gordon Ramsay cooking segment in which he was supposed to walk us through how to make egg and beef dumplings and pressure is really starting to mount on the award-winning chef. The…
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USE ‘NIPPLE’ IN A SENTENCE WHILE WALKING A HIGHWIRE OVER NIAGARA FALLS, I DARE YA
I’ll bet you can’t use the word ‘nipple’ in a sentence while at the same time crossing Niagara Falls on a highwire, balancing pole or otherwise. You just aren’t that good with words. I bet you can’t recite God Bless…
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SHE MET HIM AT THE AQUARIUM. THIS IS WHERE THEY WENT NEXT
She met him at the aquarium. This was a planned meeting that they had set up beforehand on WhatsApp. They had known each other for 3 years and had been dating seriously for 2. This was something like their 500th…
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INSTEAD OF ‘THE DIE HAS BEEN CAST’ WE ARE GOING TO START SAYING SOMETHING ELSE
It is time to stand up for language, people, and we are going to start by eliminating a number of old-fashioned, dippy-sounding phrases from everyday parlance. THE DIE HAS BEEN CAST First up is ‘the die has been cast’. We…
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BAD EGG BUT GOOD BACON
Rumor has it the local Pancake House out past Menards has been serving their eggs sunny side up to customers who specifically order them over easy. ‘This is a travesty and has to be addressed,’ bitched local cop Sheila after…
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: When Life’s A Lemon
Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly (@LemonReilly), Life Doctor, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with offices in both Reno and Mexico City. BAD LOSER I love sports but when my teams lose I lose, Lemon. I become sullen, drink…
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3 THINGS YOU ARE PROBABLY GETTING WRONG WHEN YOU WALK IN THE FOREST
Everyone loves a good stroll in the forest, but did you know that as you are walking in nature you are probably making one of 3 fundamental mistakes? Let’s review them together. 1. NO BREADCRUMBS This is perhaps the most…
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CANDY BARS WITH RAZOR BLADES INSIDE RANKED BY JOHNSON STREET ADDRESS
With Halloween looming sinister on the horizon, it seems it’s that time of the year again when we rank our favorite sweets (candy bars, fudge squares, marshmallow products, bon-bons, truffles, gums, circus peanuts, giant gummies, nonpareil, nougats, taffies, toffees and…
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Book Excerpt: ‘Mr. Mitchell’s Bookshop of Wonders Come in Children’ by Mitchell Greybeard
This is what we found in Mitchell’s creative studio this morning, an unfinished treatment of a bittersweet coming-of age-novel, a real tearjerker. CHAPTER ONE Dingle dingle, went the door to Mr. Mitchell’s Bookshop of Wonders, and the proprietor himself, a…
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THEY WARNED HER NEVER TO PUT A BALLOON ON A STICK
Ever since she was small they had warned her of the dangers of putting a balloon on the end of a stick, whether tied or taped. Yesterday afternoon at approximately 4 pm, she paid the price of ignoring their warnings,…
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THE REAL HALLOWEEN? DESCRIBE YOUR PROLAPSED HEMORRHOIDS IN SIX WORDS OR LESS
Hemorrhoids (traditionally known as piles, just like Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley on consumption probably was talking tuberculosis) are swollen veins in your lower rectum and anus (read: butthole) that can AS YOU WELL KNOW cause extreme pain and irritation when sitting…
