Category: Headlines
-
THE HORROR: WATCH THIS PERSON’S VALENTINE DATE’S TEETH MOVE
Oh my God, look at the teeth just wobble every time she bites down on a rib. Maybe she should have ordered the apple sauce. Cottage cheese maybe. But it’s a Valentine’s Day date. I think there is going to…
-
3D PRINTER OVERHEATS OUTSIDE WEST PEORIA, SPITS OUT 3000 REDNECK ZOMBIES
‘The fallout is completely under control,’ commented a PGI spokesperson.
-
HOW A SOMMELIER RECOMMENDS GUZZLING WINE FROM A SHOE
Stuck in a rut as far as drinking wine from shoes at parties, or at home? Don’t know what new wines to serve in a shoe, or what shoe pairs with your old go-to favorite? Never fear, Mitchell the Gorko…
-
THIS MAN LET BYGONES BE BYGONES
This man, Franklin Balboa Grifteba of Kenessee, Florida, has decided to let all of the bad vibrations, worries, and regrets in his life simply melt away. He listened to his heart, forgave the people who had hurt him, begged forgiveness…
-
UNCLE TOBY MEANT TO GET BASKETBALL STUCK IN RIM, HE ALWAYS TRIES TO DO THAT
Reporting on the situation unfolding in the Peoria suburb driveway, local child Nadira told The Gorko that Uncle Toby said of course he meant to get the basketball stuck in the rim because he always tries to do that. ‘It…
-
NASTY: WATCH THESE 7 PEOPLE DO THE NASTY
The rumors have not been exaggerated: people are out there doing the nasty like never before. Here are some local folks caught on camera doing the nasty. Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on UnsplashPhoto by Scott Broome on UnsplashPhoto by Juan…
-
DARK CARAMEL DOUBLE MOCHA MACCHIATA VANILLA LATTE EXPRESS: NOT LEGAL IN SLOVAKIA
The dark caramel double mocha macchiata vanilla latte express has been banned in Slovakia for unfathomable reasons, reports Gorko correspondent Fishy Wishy. IF I DON’T GET MY DARK CARAMEL DOUBLE EM VANIMALLA LATTE EXPRESS I AM GOING TO GO CUHRAZY,…
-
NEIGHBORS’ NEW DOG PETEY WON’T PLAY FETCH
Local sources have confirmed that the neighbors’ new dog Petey, a black shorthair, refuses to fetch balls or sticks and basically just stands there and blinks. ‘There is definitely somethin wrong with that dog,’ muttered West Peoria native Charles Buck…
-
AND SOMETIMES ON FULL MOON NIGHTS A DISEMBODIED HOOP WOULD BE SEEN FLOATING ACROSS THE ENCHANTED SKY
Photo by MontyLov on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
-
FTW: THIS PLACEKICKER THINKS HE’S JESUS
San Francisco 49ers professional placekicker Robbie Gould has confirmed that he believes he is the literal second incarnation of Jesus Christ. ‘I am basically God to you,’ he told Los Angeles Rams head coach Sean McVay in Latin after Sunday’s…
-
LIFE GAVE ME PANCAKE BATTER AND A HOT GRIDDLE, SO I MADE PANCAKES
Some people and you know who you are come into the kitchen expecting a full American breakfast. Not I.
-
WE FILMED IT ALL: LOCAL SHOPPER SURPRISED, KNOCKED DOWN, SLOWLY STRANGLED, EATEN BY SNAKE
Sometimes you make the news, and at other times, as an unfortunate local shopper Tobias found out Wednesday, the news makes you. Gorko reporters happened to be in the area when the customer was surprised, knocked down, slowly strangled, and…
-
Mitch’s Movie Mash: ‘Spider-Man: The Way Home’ Shows Us That Not Everyone Can Be Famous
About two-thirds of the way through the new Marvel Studios latest Spider-Man, I began to wonder how the movie would end.
-
ROMANIAN PRESIDENT SOMEHOW HAS YOUR PHONE NUMBER
His Excellency Klaus Iohannis the President of Romania somehow has your number and has been calling you up every half hour trying to convince you to listen to a speech he is getting ready for the United Nations. ‘It’s just…
-
OH YOU CALL IT A WATER PIPE
Uncle Toby is not as up to date on his ‘street slang’ as he once thought, reports local child Nadira. ‘He busted us with a bong out behind the toolshed so we just told him what, this, this is a…
-
Book Excerpt: ‘Mitch: A Memoir’ by Mitchell Kennedy
Gorko movie reviewer Mitchell Kennedy strikes out into the world of nonfiction with his latest, an introspective whirlwind tour through the man’s own childhood and youth. What makes any of it compelling in any way remains to be seen. OPENING…
-
POPE MAKES VEILED REFERENCE TO THAT THING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO STAY IN LAS VEGAS
Addressing a crowd of several thousand gathered in St. Peter’s Square this Wednesday, Pope Francis urged listeners to make better choices about healthcare, lamented living conditions in several poor Italian neighborhoods, condemned abortion, called on young people to bear testimony…
-
Upcoming Movie: ‘The Mattress 3’
All is not as it seems in the Wegacha sisters’ much-anticipated sequel to the science fiction blockbuster franchise ‘The Mattress’ and ‘The Mattress Flipped’, now entering its 20th year and no less relevant for Generation Mil youth with its authorized…
-
SO THEY INVITED YOU TO A PARTY, HMM, WOULD YOU LOOK AT YOU
So they invited you to a party, hmm, well would you look at you, all dressed up and going to a party. They invited me to a party last year but I decided it was better to stay home and…
-
POETRY SOCIETY TO HAVE MEETING TOMORROW NIGHT
Microfilm archives plundered from https://cdnc.ucr.edu/. YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
-
YOU WILL LOVE THESE AMAZING 38-INGREDIENT, 18-STEP DESSERTS
Tired of simple, three-ingredient desserts you can just whip out without thinking after a hard day at the office? Well you aren’t alone. 1 in 1 people responded in a recent Gorko poll that they would rather spend MORE time…
-
WORSE THAN OUIJA? THIS BOY’S HEAD BURST INTO FLAMES AFTER RECITING COMPLETE LOTR RING VERSE
Local pre-teen Randall McClaughlin was rushed to the St. Martha emergency room in the early morning hours this past Saturday, victim of spontaneous combustion during a private seance in which himself and three other area children recited the complete Lord…
-
SO YOU BUILT A ROLLER COASTER. NOW WHAT?
It took you years of backbreaking work with your donkey Spanko, but you were finally able to step back in satisfaction, tip back your sombrero, and admire the roller coaster you built with your own hands. Now what? Uncertain of…
-
The Lemondrop Dream Blog: The Lemon Palace
It is not uncommon for seekers to go through a phase of fear and doubt before accepting the existence of the Lemon Palace, or ‘Heaven’ as it is known in several religions.
-
STUNNING PAINTINGS TO HANG OVER YOUR DEPRESSING WINDOWS THIS WINTER
So your seasonal affective disorder will be pretty much about in full swing by the end of the month. Why not nip it in the bud today by covering the dreary views of gray, sodden Peoria with one or more…
-
BRRRR!!!
I think I’ll take the open wagon to market today. Photo by Randy Fath on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
-
WHY THEY DESIGNED YOUR APARTMENT BUILDING SO PEOPLE COULD LIVE IN THE WALLS
You have heard them in there, late at night, gibbering and squeaking, sometimes just breathing heavily. Why did they design this apartment building so little people could live in the walls? Here are our top theories. THEY KNEW YOU WOULD…
-
YUP, THERE SHE GOES
Every month around this time she goes into town to buy flour, onions, and pickling jars. If you don’t believe me just wait and see. Aha, yup, there she goes now. Fresh out of flour I am willing to bet.…
-
INSTEAD OF ‘SWORDSMANSHIP’ WE ARE GOING TO START SAYING ‘CANTALOUPE’
THIS IS WHY WE ARE GOING TO STOP SAYING THE WORD SWORDSMANSHIP, EI! EI! SWORDSMANSHIP, CANTALOUPE, BOTH THREE SYLLABLLES, EI! SWORDSWOMENSHIP DOESN’T JUST ROLL OFF THE TONGUE AND THIS IS WOMENS FENCING CLASS, EI! THIS IS NOT A SWORD IT…
-
THIS IS THE GUY IN CHARGE
No need for that stapler after all, Brenda, because look who just arrived. It’s the guy in charge. Photo by Dmitry Vechorko on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
-
WHEN WE WERE PETS: THEN AND NOW
But we used to get three square and were allowed to lie on the bed, Jeremiah Johnson!! What could be better than getting one’s tummy rubbed? Shut yer yapper, Caleb, this is our last chance for freedom! Pets photo by…
-
THIS IS WHERE YOU WERE CONCEIVED, SAYS UNCLE TOBY TO A POLAROID OF BARBARA, GESTURING TO HIS CAMERA
‘This is where you were conceived,’ Uncle Toby reportedly told a polaroid photograph he had taken of Barbara without her permission, showing the photo his camera. ‘He is so creepy,’ local child Nadira told The Gorko with a shudder. ‘I…
-
THE GORKO 2021 ROUNDUP – HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Since we are roughly halfway through 2022, let’s take a look back over last year’s Gorko favorites.
-
CHILLING: THIS MAN SAID NO WHEN A CHILD ASKED TO TURN UP THE THERMOSTAT
When local child Nadira was freezing her little butt off earlier this week she went to the one person she thought could save her from certain death: her father. ‘THIS MAN told me the temperature was staying right where it…
-
HEY TONY THAT GUY IS WAVING AT US, DO SOMETHING
Hey Tony that guy in the white hat is waving at us. Yeah, the old guy in the white blouse. Shouldn’t we do something? I am going to wave back. Hi! Hi! Hello! Hey there, do we know you? No.…
-
WE ASKED 4 LOCAL K-12 TEACHERS FOR THE BASIC INGREDIENTS OF MEXICAN CHICKEN LIME SOUP. HERE ARE THEIR ANSWERS
We interviewed 4 local K-12 school teachers about the basic ingredients of the popular midweek dinner, Mexican chicken lime soup. Here are their recipes! TOBY: ‘I guess it has tortillas and water and some tequila in it, I mean it…
-
DEBBIE HARRY SURFING, 2014
Just kidding. No idea who this lady is. Photo by Chris Osmond on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
-
SIGNS HE IS ABOUT TO DUMP YOU VS SIGNS HE IS ABOUT TO TAKE A DUMP
It is the age-old question: is his remarkably strange, stiff behavior due to the fact that he has finally had enough of this dumb, manipulative relationship and is on the verge of dumping you, or does he simply need to…
-
Christmas Special ‘Die Hearth 2: Down the Chimney’
Even if it is just another Friday night to you, The Gorko recommends flushing your time down the toilet with the brand new Die Hearth 2: Down the Chimney.
-
GOD HAS DECIDED TO REST YE MARY THIS DECEMBER, GENTLEMEN
Christmas has been postponed this year. Image by David Mark from Pixabay
-
THIS DELIGHTFUL SPONGE BATH REMINDS ME OF THAT ICONIC SCENE FROM OH DANG WHAT WAS IT
Me: This delightful sponge bath reminds me of that iconic movie scene from uh dang, what was it now, Jeeves. Jeeves: I do imagine the scene to which you refer, sir, if you do not mind me saying, is most…
-
WE ASKED 6 TEENAGERS TO DEFINE ‘WOLF’ AND HERE ARE THEIR ANSWERS
We asked 6 local teenagers to define ‘wolf’ and here are their answers! TOBY’S FRIEND: ‘It’s like a hm, like a coyote or something. It’s a dog.’ JILL: ‘It’s when you eat something really fast and sloppy, like a sloppy…
