Category: Headlines
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MISTER ROGERS SPOTTED BEHIND COUNTER IN MEXICAN LIQUOR N GROCERY
‘Siempre he querido ser su vecino,’ he told reporters, going on to explain that he had been forced for financial reasons to move to Mexico and pick up a counter job in Churubusco. ‘All jobs are important,’ he said in…
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OUR NATURE CORRESPONDENT WENT TO THE DESERT ON A HORSE WITH NO NAME
Our Nature Correspondent Dale Duyamishlebout (they/them/their/they’re, last name pronounced Toodles) reports back from the desert, where they went on a horse without a name.
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TERRIFYING VIDEO SHOWS SIX-STOREY ARACHNIDS RIPPING SLEEPING RESIDENTS FROM BEIJING HIGHRISES
The authenticity of a video circulating early this morning on social media showing giant spider-like creatures ripping sleeping residents from their Beijing highrise bedrooms has been confirmed. ‘These creatures are terrifying,’ reported Gorko International journalist Mila Wolfeschlegelstein from an improvised…
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NOW YOU GOING TO MOVE YOUR CAR OUT OF THE HANDICAPPED SPOT, OR DO WE HAVE A PROBLEM MISTER
I am the apartment manager of this complex so look I am going to call the police if you do not move your stupid car out of the special needs parking spot in three seconds flat, mister. No, you know…
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IS YOUR LAUGH THE DUMBEST AND ALSO LOUDEST?
Yes, it is. You go, ‘Hyeh hyeh yeh yeh yeh YEEEEEH!’ when you laugh. And you laugh all day. Your dumb brain constantly finds things funny. Your level of dumb is 10 out of 10 agree the dumbest, and it…
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‘ESCAPED POLAR BEAR EUTHANIZED’ WOULD BE EUPHEMISM
A local prankster was booked by Peoria’s finest Thursday afternoon after opening the door to the Peoria Zoo’s female polar bear Suzie’s cage and then luring her out with a bucket of fish. Suzie was less lucky — she was…
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THIS VIRAL HACK FOR CLEANING BOOTS COST ME MY MARRIAGE
We all love our boots. We know that boots come from Italy, but even so they are extremely popular in Peoria. An Italian man made thousands of people, including my wife, extremely angry when he shared his morally dubious boot-cleaning…
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AMBIENT SOUNDS FOR SLEEP TAPE 6: MEXICAN NIGHTS
Lullabye Records’ latest ambient soundtrack, Ambient Sounds for Sleep 6: Mexican Nights, claims to use the authentic background noise of Mexico to create a relaxing, white noise to help you relax and sleep. Previous soundtracks in the series have been…
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WHAT DOES ‘HAMPER’ MEAN TO YOU? AS IN, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION
We stopped ten people on the street and asked them if they could give us the definition of hamper, because honestly if you won’t even give us the definition of hamper, you are real low.
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THIS MAN SOLD HIS SOUL TO OBTAIN THE POWER OF FLIGHT IN ORDER TO BECOME WORLD’S GREATEST GOALKEEPER BUT HIS TIMING IS STILL WAY OFF
Nijs hopes the new superpower will improve his goalkeeping skills and get his team, FC Tweeny, into the VFFC Cup with a shot at the somewhat prestigious Former Champions Cup to follow.
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ROCK ‘N’ ROLL CANCELLED
Citing the fact that it is ‘all just noise anyway’ the Federal Communications Commission Thursday cancelled rock ‘n’ roll indefinitely. What were some of the immediate reactions? ‘It doesn’t really affect us one way or another,’ commented local dentist Colleen…
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TAKE A PEEK INSIDE THE LOST FLYING PYRAMID FROM APHIX 9 GOVERNMENTS DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW EXISTS
From its colossal titanium core to its needle-sharp prow and retractable solar sails, the flying Pyrámide del pántano unearthed this past spring outside of Mérida, Yucatan (from under a heap of expats) has exceeded the expectations of even its first…
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LEONARD NIMOY SURPRISES DESIGNER ON RUNWAY
Reknowned actor, filmmaker, and author Leonard Nimoy has been causing a sensation ever since he started dabbling in the fashion business in the mid-80’s. For fashion designer Muriel Casey, however, his appearance at this year’s Blue Ribbon Fashion Week in…
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CRUISE SHIP GETS APPROVAL TO SET SAIL FROM MALAYSIA
‘Thank you,’ said the ship, a Mainstream Cruiser named Jerry. Jerry had been in quarantine since last December, following a deadly outbreak of coronavirus among his crew and passengers. He plans to head home to Florida where he will meet…
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EXISTENTIAL PHILOSOPHER-POET’S NAME IS ANDY
Turns out that the best-selling existentialist philosopher-poet Andrew S. Kuznetsov III, is just called Andy by his friends, sources reported Monday. ‘It is kind of a disappointment, to be frank,’ said JaMarcus, Mr. Kuznetsov’s new next-door neighbor. ‘I mean, he…
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FAKE NEWS BETTER FOR THE DIGESTION, STUDY FINDS
A recent study claims to have linked the symptoms of unrest to unhealthy levels of consumption of real-life news articles and TV.
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WOMAN HAS BEEN TRAVELING FOR TWO YEARS — IN HER OWN HOME!
Over the past two years, Sandra Benucchio of North Peoria has visited every country in the world except Slovakia (or was it Slovenia), she told Gorko reporters as they worked a weekend shift at the local Wok This Way Chinese…
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TODD AND ASHLEY NEILSON WELCOME SECOND BABY!!!!!!
Todd and Ashley Neilson, two little-known non-celebrities from West Peoria, announced the birth of their second child over Memorial Day weekend. Todd works in waste management and Ashley is a stay-at-home mother. Now these two boring people are proud parents…
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YOU KNOW THAT SCENE IN ‘ARACHNOPHOBIA’ I AM TALKING ABOUT
You mean the one where the spider drops on the chick’s face in the shower?
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‘IN AMERICA EVERY LITTLE GIRL GETS A PONY’ SAYS AMERICAN TOURIST IN ACAPULCO
Jen Smith of Harrison County and Smith Horse Farm in southern Indiana was overheard enlightening Mexican locals about life in the United States of America earlier today. ‘Every little girl gets a pony,’ she told the bewildered ‘natives’ José and…
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FEEL THAT WARM BREEZE, HAROLD
Nuclear holocaust survivors Maud and Harold Green have yet to realize their unique predicament as the last living people in Peoria, a source told The Gorko Wednesday. ‘They are just going about their normal lives as midwestern retirees,’ we think…
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SWIPED LEFT FOR THE LAST TIME
Swearing that he is going to join the gym, start biking to work (a 46-mile round trip), jogging weekends, and eating only salad on weeknights, coworker Presh Donahue sighed deeply and let his hands fall listlessly on his belly as…
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INSTANT POT® MAKING AMATEURS LOOK GOOD, BITCHES CHEF WEARING PARABOLIC SKIS
‘Amateurs, people who do not know the first thing about the principles of making a sauce,’ bitched the master chef.
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BLIND NEPALESE MAN CLIMBS EVEREST, BEFRIENDS BIGFOOT, HOTWIRES DOWNED MILITARY HELICOPTER, FLIES TO KATHMANDU, LANDS AMIDST APPLAUSE WITH FURRY COPILOT, AND MELTS BACK INTO THE CROWD
We put the body of the article in the heading again. Psych! Earlier this week a blind Nepalese man climbed Mount Everest, befriended Bigfoot (who clearly lives up there), hotwired a downed Boeing CH47 ‘Chinook’ helicopter, flew it to Kathmandu…
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Lemondrop reads poetry: ‘This Fair Oak’ by Maria Steinburg-Piccadilly
Today we will be reading a poem from one of my favorite authors, Maria Steinburg-Piccadilly, an eloquent poetess and Earth Child who spent the gloaming of her life, as she referred to it, right here in Reno. As we listen,…
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THERE IS A HAIRLESS TIGER IN YOUR FRIDGE DUDE
First of all that is NOT a tiger, it is a Terror Dog. It is a horned, quadrupedal demon known as the Keymaster and if you don’t watch out it will possess your body and bring you to full orgasm…
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THE SILENT TREATMENT: 27 EXPERT OPINIONS
So it has happened again: after a wonderful afternoon in which you both laughed, cried, and ate some amazing sandwiches, she has mysteriously clammed up, and even rejects the advances of your hand across the vinyl of the front seat.…
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EVERY TIME I TRY TO WALK AWAY SOMETHING MAKES ME TURN AROUND AND STAY
Look at us baby, staying up past midnight, arguing about who gets to keep the Chevy.
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7-ELEVEN STALKER CAREFULLY OBSERVES ALL COVID-19 PROTOCOL
A local creepy guy in a clean black hoodie has been following customers into the local 7-Eleven, pretending to shop, and then following them out, careful to keep mask over both mouth and nose, observe proper social distancing at all…
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NEW PLANET DISCOVERED ORBITING BROTHER-IN-LAW
Everyone’s favorite person in the world and his own greatest fan, my sister’s husband Liam from Nashville, was so grandiloquent and pompous at the Memorial Day picnic that he appeared to attract his own planet.
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IF ‘CRY ME A RHUBARD’ IS NOT THE RIGHT EXPRESSION, YOU CAN CALL ME A LAWYER
An unknown local software engineer (it was Phil) used the following words to bring a succinct end to what had been an ongoing carpool argument with coworker Dave Thompson. Dave would later call Robussen Robussen & Pierre. Photo by Edson…
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YOU ARE GOING TO WISH YOU HAD ALWAYS READ JANE AUSTEN IN A FLEECY FLYBREEZE® HAMMOCK
Testimonial from Sue in Peoria: Yeah, when my hubby and I first tried reading Jane Austen in the Fleecy Flybreeze® it was so different. It was like having Darcy’s arms around you, soft and fleecy arms. I overcame my prejudice…
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BEEF STROGANOFF BAKE OFF ENDS IN HEATED EXCHANGE
Church council members had to intervene at this week’s thirteenth annual Mount of Olives Beef Stroganoff Bake Off as Linda and Tammy faced off over alleged subordination of bake off jurors. The blue ribbon this year was awarded to Tammy,…
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FIRE EXTINGUISHER 1, EAST GERMAN TERRORIST IN ‘DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE’ 0
Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash
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KINDLE FIRE USED TO READ PART OF A BOOK
Three months after acquiring his new Kindle Fire 10″, the Amazon 1080p full-HD 64 GB octa-core processor color tablet, local middle-school teacher David Bowman said, ‘Alexa, stop,’ with a heavy sigh, and caused the built-in virtual assistant A.I. called Alexa…
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BUT IT DOESN’T TASTE LIKE KOOL-AID, MA
Local mother Juvenilda Roscoe has reportedly been trying to feed her children an exotic new flavor of Kool-Aid, which has led to suspicion, accusations, and threats in the Roscoe household. ‘It doesn’t taste like Kool-Aid,’ whined eldest daughter Flumina, who…
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WET T-SHIRT GHOST HUNTERS FOUND STRANGLED IN THEIR OWN BEADS
They knew it would not be easy. They suspected that it might be dangerous. But what they probably did not expect was to lose their lives hunting the wet t-shirt ghosts of old Cancún. When Dr. Randolf Droidletaum heard the…
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STOP FRIENDING DEAD PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK TODAY: YOUR COMPLETE GUIDE
It is always embarrassing when you reconnect on Facebook after your six-month meditation camp in Tibet or Laos and with best of intentions begin to add people you knew from high school and university, and you really get on a…
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ALL ABOARD STEPHEN KING’S ‘THE LANGOLIERS’
You awake on board transcontinental flight 703, L.A. to Boston with the distinct sense that something is very wrong, and you couldn’t be more correct.
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SCIENTISTS DISCOVER CURE FOR HEARTBREAK
A South Korean research team has discovered the ultimate cure for heartache, announced their team leader Park Ahn-Jong Wednesday. ‘We were in the Mini Super with Joon-Woo, whose wife had just left him and taken the children, and we discovered…
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THE ELUSIVE JUNGLE SIRENS OF QUINTANA ROO
Beautiful, enshrined in mist and vines, and not always what you expect.
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LOCAL PEEWEE SOCCER BIG SIX TO FORM OWN SUPER LEAGUE
In an earth-shattering move for Peoria soccer, children of the Big Six will be joining the kids of 35 other mothers in a ‘complementary’ league of their own.
