Author: thegorkogazette
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3 FAMOUS CELEBRITIES WHO NEVER SECRETLY FANTASIZE ABOUT YOU BURSTING FROM A CAKE ON THEIR BIRTHDAY YACHT
Sometimes it can be downright boring when you stop to think about how many famous celebrities, including movie stars, singers, dancers, athletes, barnstorming pilots, globetrotting chefs and royal pinups secretly fantasize about you bursting from a cake on their birthday…
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HEY WE WROTE ‘EVACUATED THE HOUSE’ AND NO ONE THOUGHT WE MEANT ‘SHIT THE BED’
Hey look everyone, we wrote PEORIA FAMILY FORCED TO EVACUATE HOUSE and not a single person scribbled a mean note to The Gorko to complain that they assumed the family had probably shit bricks.
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RUNAWAY HOSPITAL GUERNEY STATS AT TWO-YEAR HIGH IN ILLINOIS
It is no secret that Peoria has a problem with runaway guerneys. During the first quarter of 2022 the number of out-of-control hospital beds more than tripled in our sleepy Illinois town. What is causing these freak accidents, who is…
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: NOT THE SINGING, DANCING TYPE
Some lessons are harder than others, and today’s lesson is just plain unfun. But it might just save your life someday. Photo by Jerad Hill on Unsplash you may also like…
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3 Poems by Mike McHone
and we melt together at this yearly party this ancient yearling party year after year, from now until the last syllable of recorded time…
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WHAT IS THIS TREE THINKING? 3 SCIENTIFICALLY VERIFIABLE ANSWERS
We have all seen this tree many times on our walk up the mountain, and would probably even identify it in a police lineup if we were called upon to do so, but beneath its rough exterior don’t we often…
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: RADDY IS NOT REALLY GORKO EIC
Some lessons are harder than others, and today’s lessons is just plain unfun. But it might just save your life someday. you may also like…
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WHEN CATS GO BATS: HOW TO SURVIVE A MOUNTAIN LION ATTACK
Throw yourself onto the ground, roll tightly into a ball, making sure your “yummy chicken fingers” cover the base of your skull.
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TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY: WHO GAVE A BABY THIS DANGEROUS SUBSTANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
A cool but sunny early fall afternoon in West Peoria. Birds were chirping, cyclists and joggers were out in abundance, and it seemed as if everyone had a smile on their face except Gorko reporter Lil Smockinger.
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Book Excerpt: ‘The Hatless Horseman’ by Koontz Kennedy
The gala of goblins and ghouls is nigh, and our movie reviewer and subleaser Mitchell Kennedy is getting into the spirit.
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: TOMATOES ARE LIARS
Some lessons are harder than others. Some lessons are just plain unfun. But today’s lesson just might save your life. Photo by Elton Harding at flickr.com you may also like…
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THIS MAGPIE PIE IS REDUNDANT
Excuse me, waiter, yes you. Come here please. Is this your menu? Yes, yes it is. Well what does this say here, is this a magpie? No, oh, oh ho ho, I see, so you say magpie pie, do you?…
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KNOWING WHEN TO QUIT: I BROKE MY SELF-DEFENSE INSTRUCTOR’S JAW IN THE FIRST CLASS AND KNEW I WAS STREET READY
Sometimes you win even when you aren’t trying all that hard. This week I broke my self-defense instructor’s jaw with a little move I put on her in the very first class, and I knew I was street ready. They…
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3 REASONS TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE AND MAKE TURKISH FOOD FOR ME WHILE I SIT ON THE COUCH
Even the most hardboiled detective would weep to taste your savory meat durum.
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3 Poems by Lynn White
It’s been a long flight. / I’m pleased you made a safe landing / and now I’m coming down to join you.
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HEY FOLKS, IT’S FRITTERS FRIDAY
Has your partner left you and taken Mitzy the Chihuahua you both raised, running off to southern California with a police cadet named Mickey? Are you broke and homeless?
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NOT DOING THEIR JOB: MORE THAN 30 PEORIA HOUSECATS DISMISSED AFTER FAILING TO COMPLETE BASIC HOUSEKEEPING TASKS
‘As much as I hate to see little Muffin go, she just was not holding up her side of the agreement.’
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4 poems by Kushal Poddar
Reading A War Novel I sigh, and mark the wordwhere I end the day’s reading.The book spins a tale of war.The word I cannot cross todayis ‘House’.‘A good place,’I murmur, ‘to moor, balance,and stretch.’‘A good place,’ I think, ‘until theyturn…
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CHESS WORLD ROCKED AS DETAILS EMERGE OF GRAND MASTER’S CHECKERED PAST
Note from Raddy: I apologize to everyone in advance for this headline. We simply could not help ourselves. Queen’s Gambit, rook to G3. Photo by Artem Labunsky on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY
Some lessons are harder than others, but today’s lesson is just plain unfun. Take a second to think over today’s line of wisdom. Photo by Mollie Sivaram on Unsplash you may also like…
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‘THE NEW NORMAL’ by Prosper Ifeanyi
Do you ever think why the body, made of sand, cannot hold water?
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3 NIGHTMARE PAGODA-SHAPED RESTAURANTS AND HOW TO FIND THE SECRET REAR STAIRS
The fake sushi chefs WILL give chase, but simply dodge down the first flight of stairs and close the door riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight behind you.
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HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOUR BREACH IS READY FOR THE CAVALRY
Is the breach in the enemy’s lines low enough for a mounted officer to leap over, or will he trip, tumble into the breach, and be vilely stuck with sharp lances?
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WHY ARE YOU A BUS DRIVER?
Why didn’t you become a lawyer or a doctor instead? Something must have made you decide to start driving buses.
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY
Some lessons are harder than others, but today’s lesson is just plain unfun. Take a second to think over today’s line of wisdom. you may also like…
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GORKO CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO REVEALS THE 3 INGREDIENTS HE *NEVER* ROLLS BETWEEN HIS THIGHS
As many fans of Gorko chef Rambo Bolillo’s world-famous cooking show know so well, he likes to roll a lot of ingredients between his massive thighs to tenderize and add flavor. But did you know the 3 ingredients Rambo NEVER…
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WAIT YOU AREN’T FINN WOLFHARD
Hey wait one second, now that we are out here in the light of day you are clearly NOT Finn Wolfhard. You don’t even resemble him! Why did you lie about that? And no you can not star in my…
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REPORT: FEAR STALKS AMERICANS AS SALES END IN SEPTEMBER
‘I haven’t even found any good polos yet. My polo game is in a bad situation. This is not good, not good.’
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DON MARKENBALDI, LITERARY CRITIC AND ASSASSIN, MURDERS THIRD WIFE IN PEORIA
Don Markenbaldi has murdered again, and this time in his own backyard!
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3 HAIRCUTS YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO TRY BEFORE LOCAL BARBER TONY LARONI KICKS THE BUCKET
Whether you have been a regular patron of Tony Laroni at his classic barber shop Laroni Cuts on Thompson and Third in downtown Peoria or have never even heard of the local shop, which has acquired cult status over the…
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‘The Unfunny Bridge’ and 2 more by Gene Goldfarb
The UNFUNNY BRIDGE Orange is a color you can’t take seriously.It’s like a clown named Bozo.I once had a hearing and the witnesswas a medical doctor from SaharanAfrica whose last name was BozoI think his native language was Beraku,which was…
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FIRE ON BOARD CROWDED CALIFORNIA LEAVES DOZENS INJURED
AVISO ACHTUNG AGUAS: This is a joke. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Photo by Marcus Kauffman on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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PAY THE RENT OR BUY A TACKY, MID-RANGE COFFIN?
You can buy another month of shelter at your current residence in West Peoria surrounded by yappy dogs, drug dealers, and pimps, OR you can probably afford a low-to-mid-end, tacky coffin with extremely cheap veneer, to lie in.
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3 THINGS ALREADY IN YOUR HOUSE THAT WOULD HAPPILY SCURRY UP YOUR NOSE
Do you know that according to a new study by Gorko Stats Unlimited it is almost certain that there are at least 10 things already in your house that at a moment’s notice, under the right circumstances, would happily scurry…
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Upcoming Movie: ‘Honk For Jesús, He Is In The Road’
Follow brilliant but fallen-from-grace automotive engineer Jesús de Maria Hernández Ramírez as he searches for meaning off the fast track of competitive automotive engineering.
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Classic Gorko: Answers to FAQs About Celebrities in Harness
What’s the difference between a rock star celebrity and a normal celebrity?
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YOU KNOW HOW TO SAY ‘BBQ PIT SLAG MITTEN’ IN CHUUKIC DON’T YOU IT’S ‘BONO’
Pass me the slutty Bono, Charles, we need to turn this grease hog over.
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MODERN-DAY JESUS CHRIST? THIS MAN WAS CRUCIFIED ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND 3 DAYS LATER WENT WATERSKIING ON LAKE TAHOE
By midnight on the same day, Twitter influencers had declared Gary for all intents and purposes a dead man.
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Pages of poems by Jason Visconti
page 1 There Is A Demon Inside Us Its rage is large with luster like an untamed moonbeam,And these moonbeams dance together in a wicked dance,It turns all lunar love into another thing,Eclipse this moon but have a harvest by…
