Author: thegorkogazette
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ON THIS DAY IN 1897: YOU WERE BORN MAEVE O’SULLIVAN TO CONNOR AND AISLING O’SULLIVAN UNDER A PEAT ROOF IN BAWNAFINNY, IRELAND
‘Maeve Aisling is a very unusual case in that she remembers specific details from all parts of her former life.’
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Interview with Adora Williams
It is funny, though, how those tough feelings on translation led me into learning English and I end up working with translation eventually. It works like some sort of closed loop.
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Upcoming Movie: ‘Forrest Grump’
Hold on there, Forrest Grump, because life is about to take an unexpected twist.
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3 poems by Adora Williams
The synonym for black is every black coloured picture: Raven, obsidian, onyx, charcoal But a thing says no-thing about a colour This makes no sense
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WAIT SOMEONE GAVE ME AN UPSIDE-DOWN CUP
The cup in question will not hold any beer or water whatsoever. It is a useless object.
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COMPUTER? COMPUTER! YES, BRING ME MY WARM CHICKEN NUGGETS AND DIPPING SAUCE IMMEDIATELY, AND HEAT THE SEAT FOR HER HIGHNESS
COMPUTER! HER HIGHNESS IS WAITING FOR YOU TO WARM HER SEAT. SHE IS DREADFULLY ANXIOUS TO ASCEND HER SEAT.
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NOLCHA’S POOP SCOOP: DRUGSTORE REFUSES TO REFUND RETURNS
Police later confirmed that Wilma’s husband was dead.
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SUBMISSION CALL: THE GORKO AMERICAN CHEESE SPECIAL
Send us your cheesy americana, cheese-related fake news, fiction, poems, pomes, art, or anything turophilic/turophobic and weird you think might fit at The Gorko.
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‘The Eternal Existence of Atticus Bright’ by Arthur DeHart
One might speculate that he was a Grecian god who came to Earth and chose to stay.
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WHY DO THE SLAVES ALWAYS LOOK SO WORRIED? OPINION BY PUNKIN
Life is pretty swell, to tell you the truth. The slaves adore me frequently and bring me both wet and dry cat food when I blink at them, but it amuses me the way they always act so worried. What…
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TOURISTS IN PEORIA ARE BEHAVING BADLY THIS YEAR. FIND OUT WHY
Stay at home. Bolt the door. If possible, if there is still time, board up the windows.
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WE TESTED THESE 3 NASA SPACE BEVERAGES WITH A SPLASH OF VODKA AND BLASTOFF
‘This is the orbital drink of the future,’ slurred an extremely content Jevill while twirling and slurping, slurping and twirling.
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COVER REVEAL: MITCHELL KENNEDY’S FORTHCOMING ‘LOVE DOG’ NOVELS
Gorko Entertainment Editor Mitchell Kennedy has been BUU-SY! This time with a series of science fiction novels called ‘Love Dogs’. Read all about the first two books of the (planned) series below. BOOK 1: 1,286 One thousand two hundred and…
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WHY IS THE PUMPKIN SQUEEZER LYING OUT ON THE TABLE, LITTLE JOEY IS GOING TO GO AFTER THE CAT AGAIN
I have told you about this again and again, and then we had the dry walk-through as well.
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‘Silent Judgement’ by Amy Grech
Forced to wear a corporate noose, His moral fiber quickly untethered.
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: JUNIOR SMELLS DELIGHTFUL
Some lessons are harder than others, and although today’s lesson is pretty unfun, it just might save your life. you may also like…
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MY HARD-ON LASTED FOR MORE THAN 12 HOURS SO I CALLED MY DOCTOR BUT HE WOULDN’T PUT OUT
When asked exactly what he meant by ‘put out’, Mr. Schleps refused to enumerate the treatment he had in mind.
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HOW COLD CAN A PET FROG GET?
Just kidding, of course, but it DOES make you wonder how cold a pet frog could get.
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NOW JUST IMAGINE IF YOU COULD EAT PEOPLE
We’ll just let you chew on that one for awhile. TGG Foto de Derick Daily en Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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NEVER PUT THESE 3 THINGS UP YOUR NOSE
The nose knows, as they say, when something the wrong shape or size has been stuck up a nostril. But how can you be sure you are sticking the wrong stuff up your nose, Rudolph? Here are 3 things Gorko…
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: When Capitalism Is Right For You
I have been dreaming about Charlie ‘Shean’ a lot recently, too.
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THE GORKO’S BEST OF 2022
To celebrate 2022, here is a roundup of our favorite pieces from the last year.
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: BRENDA IS FINE, UNCLE TOBY
Some lessons are harder than others, and although today’s lesson is pretty unfun, it just might save your life. Photo by Julian Schultz on Unsplash you may also like…
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WHAT IF YOUR CANE GUN GOES OFF ACCIDENTALLY AT THE OPERA? HERE’S WHAT ONE PEORIA MAN DID
One Peoria man had the answer, and it was to cry fire in the crowded Emmanuel Souffle Memorial Theater.
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Screenplay Excerpt: ‘Too Bright For Christmas’ by Hallmark Mitchell
Hallmark Christmas Special season is upon us, and our Entertainment Editor and subleaser Mitchell Kennedy has been trying his hand at writing his own tearjerker.
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Classic Gorko: the GOOD, the BAD, and the CRAZee
THE GORKO GAZETTE’S 1994 COLLECTION OF ALL – MERRY CHRISTMAS (Just kidding)
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: THIS JUICE CONTAINS LESS THAN 1% VODKA
Some lessons are harder than others, and although today’s lesson is pretty unfun, it just might save your life. Photo by Greg Rosenke on Unsplash you may also like…
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The Theme of the Week is Fudge Fanny On Floor Four
‘The basement is too far to go for Fudge Fanny’s fudge,’ read the famous memo.
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FOUND: AN 8,500 YEAR OLD CAVE PAINTING OF YOUR MOM HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK
Yo mama was informed of the amazing find but declined to comment for this article.
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SHOULD PARENTS TAKE BABIES TO MARS? THIS NEW STUDY MAY SURPRISE YOU
‘Yes it is a barren, inhospitable environment for babies,’ she concluded, ‘but I say parents should go for it.’
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TIME AND TIDE WAIT FOR NOHMAN HABIB
‘Time and tide wait for Nohman Habib,’ he told The Gorko grimly. ‘For Nohman Habib, they wait.’
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2 poems by Adora Williams
Regardless, this (.), it is still a dot Unless it decides not to be anymore Unless it decides to become a line To call itself a line
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MITCH’S MOVIE MASH: ‘Gas Onion: Into The Nebula’
This is not a movie I would recommend strongly to parents of young children due to its use of strong language.
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3 GREAT GIFTS FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE PLAYED GOD WITH YOUR LIFE
Here are 3 great gift ideas for people who treated you like Job.
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: NO NOT THE GOOD WHISKEY FOOL
Some lessons are harder than others, and although today’s lesson is pretty unfun, it just might save your life. Photo by Dollar Gill on Unsplash you may also like…
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QUEEN FOR A DAY? THIS TWENTY-SOMETHING WAS PUT IN CHARGE OF LOCAL DAIRY QUEEN FOR 3 HOURS WHEN HER MANAGER CAME DOWN WITH THE ‘VID
‘When they told me I would be the Dairy Queen it felt like I was walking on air!’
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WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR STAMP LICKER RUNS OUT OF SALIVA
Nasty look what Chet has gone and done, smeared this thing with his own personal juices.
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BIGFOOT HAD THE GOUT! FOOT SWOLLEN 3X NORMAL SIZE! ACTUALLY WEARS A SIZE 6
Confirmed Yetiboots, ‘The harmful lifestyle choices of the Bigfeet [sic] have been long documented by lumberjacks and native tribes in the Pacific Northwest.’
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: WINDMILLS KILLED YOUR FATHER
Some lessons are harder than others, and although today’s lesson is pretty unfun, it just might save you from murder. Photo by Thomas Bormans on Unsplash you may also like…
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WE NAMED OUR CHILD BRICKTOP AND THEY BULLIED HIM. COME ON BRICKTOP SHOW THEM WHAT YOU’RE MADE OF
They only scatter when I emerge from the side garden with my baton.
