Category: Headlines
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3 RAUNCHY SALAD DRESSINGS THAT WILL LITERALLY KILL CHILDREN
NO TOMMY NOT THE strawberry chipotle HAIL CAESAR! SCREAMED BABY JANE, BUT TOO LATE It is what you always suspected growing up in the Midwest: more than 65% of all raunchy salad dressings you were encouraged to dump on top…
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ROOMMATE NORMAN SCHLEPTFELDER, AN UNEMPLOYED DISHWASHER, KEEPS SAYING ‘THE NEW NORM’ EVERY TIME HE GETS A HAIRCUT
What is definitely not part of the new Norm is any new resolution to do his own dishes, offer to cook for the house, pick up his junk, or do any cleaning whatsoever.
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY
Some lessons are harder than others. Some lessons are just plain unfun. We are not preaching. No one is forcing you to live a better, more productive life. All we ask is that you think over today’s line of wisdom.…
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: When jazz argot go way mean way over hep cat head teapad puffers like hum dum baby
Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly, your Life Doctor.
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‘TYRANNOSAURUS EX’ EATS CHILDREN, TAKES OUT THE HOUSE
The fiercesome Tyrannosaurus Ex then made its way across the southern part of the city, sowing destruction, death, and wild panic as it recklessly smashed vehicles and gobbled up the elderly.
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY
Some lessons are harder than others, but today’s lesson is just plain unfun. Take a second to think over today’s line of wisdom. SEE MORE UNFUN LESSONS HERE Photo by Yogendra Singh on Unsplash you may also like…
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3 LOCAL SHOPS WHERE YOU CAN GET YOUR HANDS ON ‘KLEPTOMANIA FOR DUMBELLS’
Again not technically a shop, but we are not sure that Toby still has Kleptomania For Dumbbells but he definitely stashes the books he steals from Dave’s Bookmobile in his basement.
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I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE EVER SEEN THE RAIN
So my question for you is, what I really want to know is have you ever seen the rain?
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GORKO BIGFOOT SPECIAL PLANNED FOR OCTOBER – SUBMISSIONS OPEN
We are looking for articles, stories, poetry, cartoons, or whatever about Bigfoot, Yeti, Wildman, Wood Ape, Iceman, Skunk Ape, Grassman, Wendigo, Hairy Man, Cripplefoot or other bigfeet / bigfoots.
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INCONCEIVABLE! 3 WORDS THAT PROBABLY DON’T MEAN WHAT YOU THINK THEY MEAN
A radish is in fact a small, round, purple root vegetable normally found accompanying tacos al pastor in Mexican street food.
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OLDIE BUT GOODIE, SAYS UNCLE TOBY’S PERSONALS AD
Local child reporter Nadira has noted in the latest issue of her celebrated newsletter The Nadira Nose that Uncle Toby is still putting out ads in the local Personals section of Illinois’ own Peoria Pied Piper. Suitably enough, his latest…
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THIS MAN WAS CALLED LATE TO DINNER AND MISSED IT
Local 30-something Charlie Bowz was called late to dinner this past Tuesday and completely missed it. Apparently his ravenous family had eaten all of the T-bone steak, potatoes, asparagus with lime-mint dressing, and freshly baked bread by the time he…
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…BUT WOULD THEY WATCH YOU DIRECT TRAFFIC?
So you just got that coveted promotion and have been regaled across timezones by coworkers you have never met or smelled, and others you most definitely have. You are extremely popular right now, feeling sexy, looking great, and about to…
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‘CANTIBAL’ CHOKES ON SHIN BONE, BARFS BACK ENTIRE BABY
Larry’s cannibal friends began taunting him from the trailer out back where they have squatted, asking him if he was a cannibal or a ‘cantible’, and encouraging him to dismember the pizza boy and eat his brain.
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MITCH’S MOVIE MASH: WHY DID THEY CALL IT ‘BLACK PHONY’?
If none of this makes any sense, do not worry, because trust me you are NOT alone. Ampersat Todd was yipping mournfully before he had even finished licking the chili off my tie.
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: NOT YOUR COLOR
Some lessons are harder than others, but today’s lessons is just plain unfun. We are not preaching. No one is forcing you to live a better life. All we ask is that you take a second to think over today’s…
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WHAT YOUR PASSPORT SAYS ABOUT WHAT COUNTRIES YOU CAN LEGALLY ENTER
So everyone but Americans and Mexicans can go to Chad?
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: THESE COOKIES ARE TALLER THAN YOUR HOUSE
Some lessons are harder than others, and even though today’s lessons is unfun, it might be worth your while to think over today’s line of wisdom. you may also like…
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Book Excerpt: ‘Where the Butterflies Sing’ by Twitchy Mitchy
‘Do you think there are piranhas in this swamp?’ asked Flicker Mahomes with a shiver, adjusting her army surplus backpack on her bony white shoulders and checking the safety on her rifle.
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AND THIS IS WHERE WE BROKE UP, UNCLE TOBY SAYS
‘And this is where we broke up,’ Toby grimly told his niece Latisha as they walked past The Roundtable café. ‘I think he is talking about Barbara, but who knows,’ Latisha told The Gorko as Toby pointed out the spot…
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ARE YOU AS NAKED AS A JAYBIRD? TAKE OUR FREE QUIZ TO FIND OUT
You certainly do not have a stitch of clothes on, but are you as naked as a jaybird? Take our free quiz to find out just how naked you really are. Reliability: 0.08% Photo by Melissa Burovac on Unsplash YOU…
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THE BIGFOOT SPECIAL! THIS OCTOBER 20th
Funny or scary, we want to put out a collection of your takes on Bigfoot
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AMAZING 1-INGREDIENT RECIPES
It happens to everyone: Uncle Toby got drunk and crashed your pickup truck and Louisa took off into the dusk on the only bicycle, so you are stuck trying to make dinner with just whatever you got at hand. Well…
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Upcoming Movie: ‘Mrs. Colten Fagen Goes to Copenhagen’
In 1950s London the widow of Mr. Colten Fagen, whom we also meet briefly, decides on a mad whim to pursue her dream of joining the Carnival on Ice Parade in Copenhagen, Denmark.
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN
Some lessons are harder than others, but today’s lessons is just plain unfun. Here is the latest line of wisdom, brought to you by Gorko. MORE UNFUN LESSONS HERE Photo by Hunters Race on Unsplash you may also like…
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WHEN YOU LIKE YOUR NEW PENTHOUSE BUT IT IS LOCATED IN A DYSTOPIAN, 2049 LOS ANGELES
Also sometimes at night the toymaker downstairs gets all hot and bothered and winds all of his toys up and the skittering and yipping is extremely creepy.
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‘Terminal Blue’ and ‘Self-Adjustments for the Greater Good’ by Mark Blickley and Amy Bassin
Excerpts from the text-based art book Dream Streams by Mark Blickley and Amy Bassin.
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: YOU ARE ABOUT TO HIT THAT BRIDGE
Some lessons are harder than others, but today’s lesson is just plain unfun. Enjoy.
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WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF IN THE CHICKEN COOP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF A LATCH YOU CAN’T WORK BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS: ARE YOU A CHICKEN?
When you find yourself inside the chicken coop, and I am sure we have all been there, on the wrong side of a latch you can’t work because you don’t have opposable thumbs, it may be time to ask yourself…
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THE BIGFOOT SPECIAL! THIS OCTOBER – SUBMISSIONS NOW OPEN
We are looking for articles, stories, poetry, cartoons, or whatever about Bigfoot, Yeti, Wildman, Wood Ape, Iceman, Skunk Ape, Grassman, Wendigo, Hairy Man, Cripplefoot or other bigfeet / bigfoots.
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THESE MONKEYS WERE INJECTED WITH BOTOX IN THE RUNUP TO A NATIONAL BEAUTY PAGEANT WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU
Where have you been, living under a rock or something? More than 25 monkeys have been banned from this year’s southern California beauty pageant for beauty enhancements that include multiple Botox injections. First place in the California contest brings more…
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TURNS OUT RACY MAGAZINE ONLY HAS 1 CAR IN IT
my boss got angry at me for bringing ‘a racy magazine’ into the office even though I showed her there was no racing in it at all.
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LOCAL LANDLORD PUTS PRICE ON TENANT’S SOUL
Apparently begging the landlord not to put a price on their soul, saying ‘Dear Landlord’ about a thousand times and groveling, was not the answer for one Peoria resident, Ron M., whose landlord simply turned around and priced that soul.…
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ARE YOU AS BALD AS A COOT? TAKE OUR FREE QUIZ TO FIND OUT
So you have been afflicted by male pattern balding, specifically at the back of the head like your maternal grandfather. But the question is, does this make you as bald as a coot? Take our free survey to find out!…
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DO YOU HAVE THE TOOLS IT TAKES TO BUILD A BASIC DOG HOUSE?
Do you have the tools it takes to build a basic doghouse, or are you going to become the laughingstock of the neighborhood? Before you get out there and start sawing lumber, why not do a simple cross-check using The…
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THE BIGFOOT SPECIAL! THIS OCTOBER – SUBMISSIONS NOW OPEN
We are looking for articles, stories, poetry, cartoons, or whatever about Bigfoot, Yeti, Wildman, Wood Ape, Iceman, Skunk Ape, Grassman, Wendigo, Hairy Man or other bigfeet / bigfoots.
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WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID OR THE FACT THAT A PIECE OF MY SALAD FLEW OUT OF MY MOUTH AND LANDED IN YOUR ORANGE JUICE
Was it something I said or the fact that a piece of my salad flew out of my mouth and landed in your orange juice? Here, let me help you get it out. Shit, sorry, got most of my hand…
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NEW DIGITAL SAT IS JUST PONG
This January the U.S. College Board announced that the SAT® Suite of Assessments will move to a digital, paper-free format as of Fall 2022. What do you need to know about the new computer-based test? IT IS ACTUALLY JUST PONG…
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THIS ISN’T ABOUT INFLATION. THIS IS AN ARTICLE ABOUT A SWEET LITTLE PIG
You see, this is not an article about market fluctuations and slumping stock prices. It is an article about a sweet little pig.
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THE BIGFOOT SPECIAL! THIS OCTOBER – SUBMISSIONS NOW OPEN
We are looking for articles, stories, poetry, cartoons, or whatever about Bigfoot, Yeti, Wildman, Wood Ape, Iceman, Skunk Ape, Grassman, Wendigo, Hairy Man, Cripplefoot or other bigfeet / bigfoots.
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3 CLASSIC SUPPORT GROUPS WHERE REALLY FIT TIME TRAVELERS WILL KNOW THEY CAN FIND YOU
According to Time Traveler Hookup dot com, more and more non-time-travelers have been discovered by really fit time travelers at AA meetings.
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog FAQ: Is Don Markenbaldi Dangerous AND Lecherous?
Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly, your Life Doctor.
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: YOU ARE A BUTTERFLY
Some lessons are harder than others, but today’s lessons is just plain unfun. We are not preaching. No one is forcing you to live a better life. All we ask is that you take a second to think over today’s…
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THE BIGFOOT SPECIAL! THIS OCTOBER – SUBMISSIONS NOW OPEN
We are looking for articles, stories, poetry, cartoons, or whatever about Bigfoot, Yeti, Wildman, Wood Ape, Iceman, Skunk Ape, Grassman, Wendigo, Hairy Man, Cripplefoot or other bigfeet / bigfoots.
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PENSIONER IS A RETIREE, SURROGACY ADOPTION, COTTAGING A HOLIDAY IN THE COUNTRY: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO READ THE IRISH TIMES
In a revealing new quick-guide to UK-based newspapers and tabloids for American readers, such beacons of the free press as The Irish Times and Edinburgh End, now widely available for subscription or free on the World Wide Web, culture writer…
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THIS HORSE IS COMING FOR YOUR FISTFUL OF CARROTS
The horse has already made up its mind. …your move. Image by Dave Soldano at https://www.flickr.com/photos/davesoldano/52113199046/in/explore-2022-06-01/
