Swearing that he is going to join the gym, start biking to work (a 46-mile round trip), jogging weekends, and eating only salad on weeknights, coworker Presh Donahue sighed deeply and let his hands fall […]
Author: thegorkogazette
THE LIZARD PEOPLE HAVE LANDED: A PHOTO ESSAY
Fortunately, this formidable enemy is being corralled by local and national military forces.
INSTANT POT® MAKING AMATEURS LOOK GOOD, BITCHES CHEF WEARING PARABOLIC SKIS
‘Amateurs, people who do not know the first thing about the principles of making a sauce,’ bitched the master chef.
LOCAL RESTAURANT TO FEATURE ‘BAKE YOUR OWN LASAGNA™’
‘Ordinary people have no idea how labor-intensive and infuriating it is to cook for other people,’ Marco told The Gorko.
BOOK EXCERPT: ‘PRINCESS LEATHERHELM’ BY MITCHELL DARKWING
CHAPTER I “Princess Leatherhelm!” cried the gnome Jerrod, and he held out a small parcel wrapped in rough brown paper tied with a string. “Gnome Jerrod,” smiled the Princess, halting her steed Megalus with a […]
SHOCKING NEW DOCUMENTARY ‘SOME LIKE IT HOT’ REVEALS TONY CURTIS’ SECRET LIFE AS FEMALE SAXOPHONIST
In her second groundbreaking documentary of the new decade, Navaeh Pierce-Waters Waterson-Washington tackles another infamous Hollywood legend, this one involving Academy Award-winning actor, comedian and playboy Tony Curtis. Not that we care, but Tony Curtis […]
UNDERTABLE WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHY: DO’S AND DON’TS
Recently people have been asking me about my photo exposition ‘Under The Wedding’ (now showing at Mack’s Bar & Grill in Peoria), in which I explore what goes on UNDER the wedding — literally beneath the tables at weddings.
BLIND NEPALESE MAN CLIMBS EVEREST, BEFRIENDS BIGFOOT, HOTWIRES DOWNED MILITARY HELICOPTER, FLIES TO KATHMANDU, LANDS AMIDST APPLAUSE WITH FURRY COPILOT, AND MELTS BACK INTO THE CROWD
We put the body of the article in the heading again. Psych! Earlier this week a blind Nepalese man climbed Mount Everest, befriended Bigfoot (who clearly lives up there), hotwired a downed Boeing CH47 ‘Chinook’ […]
THERE IS A HAIRLESS TIGER IN YOUR FRIDGE DUDE
First of all that is NOT a tiger, it is a Terror Dog. It is a horned, quadrupedal demon known as the Keymaster and if you don’t watch out it will possess your body and […]
Lemondrop reads poetry: ‘This Fair Oak’ by Maria Steinburg-Piccadilly
Today we will be reading a poem from one of my favorite authors, Maria Steinburg-Piccadilly, an eloquent poetess and Earth Child who spent the gloaming of her life, as she referred to it, right here […]
THE SILENT TREATMENT: 27 EXPERT OPINIONS
So it has happened again: after a wonderful afternoon in which you both laughed, cried, and ate some amazing sandwiches, she has mysteriously clammed up, and even rejects the advances of your hand across the […]
THE HIDDEN COSTS OF OWNING AN ARMY OF GEMINOID M24-CLASS ASSAULT ROBOTS
When you decided to shell out $250 million to update your Andromod T-400 mercenary army, you knew that the upgrade had been long overdue. All your neighbors already had the Trazolight Betas deployed on their […]
Mitch’s Movie Mash: Far From the Madd(en)ing Critics
About halfway through this summer’s astonishing Far From the Madding (sic) Crowd, the director’s cut prequel to Disney’s Babe, Tom Hardy stands up, dusts off his overall pants and declares, ‘Frankly, my dear, you are […]
EVERY TIME I TRY TO WALK AWAY SOMETHING MAKES ME TURN AROUND AND STAY
Look at us baby, staying up past midnight, arguing about who gets to keep the Chevy.
The Theme of the Week is Muscle Cars
Every week our Theme Expert, Teddy, goes into detail on a new theme. This week’s theme is Muscle Cars. This week’s Theme is extremely important in the work of many modernist and contemporary poets. That’s […]
7-ELEVEN STALKER CAREFULLY OBSERVES ALL COVID-19 PROTOCOL
A local creepy guy in a clean black hoodie has been following customers into the local 7-Eleven, pretending to shop, and then following them out, careful to keep mask over both mouth and nose, observe […]
NEW PLANET DISCOVERED ORBITING BROTHER-IN-LAW
Everyone’s favorite person in the world and his own greatest fan, my sister’s husband Liam from Nashville, was so grandiloquent and pompous at the Memorial Day picnic that he appeared to attract his own planet.
IF ‘CRY ME A RHUBARD’ IS NOT THE RIGHT EXPRESSION, YOU CAN CALL ME A LAWYER
An unknown local software engineer (it was Phil) used the following words to bring a succinct end to what had been an ongoing carpool argument with coworker Dave Thompson. Dave would later call Robussen Robussen […]
WAIT DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD BEFORE THE EGG OR
Ready and willing to solve the age-old question about what crossed the road first, the chicken or the egg, local smoke shop co-founders Luis Fernandez and Toby Joe spent another evening in on the floor […]
YOU ARE GOING TO WISH YOU HAD ALWAYS READ JANE AUSTEN IN A FLEECY FLYBREEZE® HAMMOCK
Testimonial from Sue in Peoria: Yeah, when my hubby and I first tried reading Jane Austen in the Fleecy Flybreeze® it was so different. It was like having Darcy’s arms around you, soft and fleecy […]
YOUTH HOSTEL DIRECTOR ALSO QUITE HOSTILE
What began with forced smiles and slightly insulting comments about this being your first time in Bucharest, continued with snide wisecracks in Romanian over beers on the hostel porch at your expense, and finally openly […]
Classic Gorko #3
THE HAPPY ISSUE, sometime in 1996
BEEF STROGANOFF BAKE OFF ENDS IN HEATED EXCHANGE
Church council members had to intervene at this week’s thirteenth annual Mount of Olives Beef Stroganoff Bake Off as Linda and Tammy faced off over alleged subordination of bake off jurors. The blue ribbon this […]
MAN GETS SUNSCREEN IN MOUTH, MAYONNAISE IN EYE
‘It was a hard day for Toby at the beach,’ admitted his sister Charlie as the family trudged back to their rented cabin, Toby of course stomping on ahead. He had gotten sunscreen in his […]
‘in the sad bin of dusters be’
One of the angriest members of Los Decepcionados, f. f. francés led a truly checkered life as poet, revolutionary, and renegado.
FIRE EXTINGUISHER 1, EAST GERMAN TERRORIST IN ‘DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE’ 0
Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash