Author: thegorkogazette
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The Theme of the Week is Scooped Twist Back Duplex Support Workout Bras
Every week our Theme Expert, Teddy, goes into detail on a new theme. This week’s theme is Scooped Twist Back Duplex Support Workout Bras. If you are like most poets, you like to look good while you work out. But…
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THE STATE OF ILLINOIS GAVE TEENS $250 FOR CULTURE AND THEY CHOSE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
When the State of Illinois launched an app that gave all 18-year-olds in the state $250 to spend on literature, music, exhibits, stage plays, or even art supplies or classes, City of Peoria authorities got the shock of their life…
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PARENTS OF JOURNALIST DETAINED IN MYANMAR: IT’S A NICE BREAK FOR US
She said that the retired couple were really quite relieved to be getting a break from Dwayne’s condescending attitude and long bathroom routines.
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EARTHQUAKE!
It always happens this way, every time. Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
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CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK TO REJOIN THE CREW OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE FOR NACHOS AND BEER
The intergalactically famous Captain has recently finished a fourteen-month training program in which he lost 3 pounds.
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Mitch’s Movie Mash: MOVIE CRITIQUE DELITE
One of the great benefits of being a famous movie reviewer is that you don’t have to go to the movies! The movies come to you. Let’s see what this week’s mailbag has brought little Todd, because Todd is ALWAYS…
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YOU KNOW THAT SCENE IN ‘PSYCHO’ I AM TALKING ABOUT
You mean the one where the guy stabs the girl to death with a butcher knife in the shower? Nooooo…come on man. That’s the only scene I remember from Psycho. Let me give you a clu- No, the conversation is…
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APRLE iRHONE 13: SO YOU WANT TO CARRY THIS UNLUCKY THING AROUND WITH YOU EVERYWHERE
Critics have been quick to pan the new Aprle iRhone 13, and the reason they have may surprise you. READ ON TO HEAR THE REASON Not for the lack of sizing options, clunky Suber Retina ProMoshion display (a true throwback…
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WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE IS TOBY
Reports circulating earlier this week that wherever you went, there was Toby have been confirmed by Gorko sources Nadira and Aisha. ‘We were in the grocery store the other day and, yep, there was Toby,’ Nadira told reporters. ‘Yeah, and…
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Upcoming Movie: ‘Lighthouse Museum’
The terrifying new film takes the familiar milieu of the abandoned lighthouse with one crazy person inside and turns it completely on its head.
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Cooking With Lemon
Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly (@LemonReilly), Life Doctor, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Homeopath with offices in both Reno and Mexico City. I often dream of waterslides and artificial wave pools after I eat Lemondrop Recipe #35 (Goulash &…
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Book Excerpt: ‘She Rode in on a Horse Named Cleveland’ by Mitch Grey
The 245th book in the Horse Named Cleveland series, none published. We found this latest unpublished manuscript in the creative studio of our movie reviewer, Mitchell Kennedy, while he was on the pot. He has been writing westerns for several…
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YOU WERE WARNED: SPACE-TIME LIZARD PORTAL DISCOVERED ON LONDON’S SOUTH BANK
What is it with those funny accents and tri-cornered hats? Wigs, chips, Hoovers and Wellies? The warning signs were there, but if you neglected to take measures to protect yourself and your family, by the time you read this it…
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WHAT YOUR NEW ALPHABET CEREAL IS TRYING TO TELL YOU
Have you been hearing voices when you sit down at the breakfast table telling you to commit atrocities against your own mother and father? Do you frequently lose consciousness while brushing your teeth in front of the mirror, and find…
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CRITIC AND HACK WRITER DON MARKENBALDI PLANS TO PUBLISH NOVEL ‘WITH BATED BREATH’ DESPITE FAMILY’S PLEAS
Literary critic and dimwit Don Markenbaldi, who took up creative writing well into his fifties after spending the previous thirty years of his life systematically belittling most of western literature’s great modernist minds, has apparently finished what he refers to…
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1 IN 1 PEOPLE AGREE ‘BARN DANCE WITH ROY ROGERS AND TRIGGER’ TOP MUSICAL ACT AT ILLINOIS STATE FAIR THIS YEAR
Lorena won a complimentary corndog for her participation.
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FINALLY, PICASSO FOR DUMMIES: IT’S A PICTURE OF A COW
Uncle Toby cut through the bullshit earlier this afternoon at the family picnic when he explained to a group of cousins standing dubiously in front of a Picasso print of the famous ‘Hands with flowers’ and blurted out, ‘It’s a…
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PHOTO EXHIBIT CHALLENGES STEREOTYPES BY PUTTING REDNECK TRASH IN ‘FANCY-ASS’ SETTINGS
The latest project by local self-dubbed ‘renusauce’ chef-artiste Flakko B. has met with mixed reviews, including undisguised disdain from certain elements of the Peorian hoity-toity (Rupert). The project claims to break from traditional midwestern stereotypes by placing redneck trailer trash…
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CROWD CLAMS UP – POLICE RAID NEW SEAFOOD SPEAKEASY
Ummm….AOO told me this joke was so bad I was not allowed to talk again. Ever. In a city-wide dragnet, police raided at least 10 seafood speakeasies in which customers have been free to buy and consume shellfish and other…
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TURNS OUT THE DEVIL IS FINE WITHOUT HIS DUE, HE WANTS YOUR BOYFRIEND CHET
Negotiations with the Prince of Darkness took a strange and possibly fatal turn this week, as Satan and his dark angels rejected the plan you had spent the past month hammering out to get him his due. Now instead they…
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WE LINED UP ALL OUR PENS AND THEY STRETCHED FROM NEBRASKA TO HAWAII
Happy Monday. Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
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WORDS OF LOVE SOFT AND TENDER WON’T WIN A GIRL’S HEART ANYMORE
Sources have confirmed that words of love, soft and tender, will NOT win a girl’s heart anymore. ‘If you love her,’ local twenty-something Olivia told reporters at The Roadhouse, ‘then you must send her somewhere she’s never been before.’ It…
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HE BOUGHT A CHEAP HOUSE IN WEST PEORIA. HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Local resident Marvin Reed and wife Sally Day found themselves trapped in a homeowner’s nightmare after they put a downpayment on this dilapidated firetrap in a trashy part of West Peoria. ‘We really have no idea why we did it,’…
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Max Max: Furious Roads to a waste of a Buy-1-Get-1-Free Coupon
The latest installment of the Max Max franchise, coming as it does on the heels of Sylvester Stallone’s Terminator: System Reboot and just before the much-anticipated dinosaur movie (I doubt I even need to mention the name) is only the…
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EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING BUT THAT IS A DEAD HOOKER
The expression generally refers to a bad or difficult situation in which there may however be a glimmer of hope, or a good side. Not the case with Uncle Toby’s situation this evening. Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
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WHAT IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY DRANK BLEACH, ASKING FOR A FRIEND
It has come to the attention of The Gorko that Spike French, our long-time friend and reader, has proooooo-obably guzzled about two liters of bleach, for some unknown reason, but insists that he is calling to inquire for a friend.…
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NSFW, BOSS STERNLY WARNS, SPOTTING PIC OF GIRLFRIEND LEANING OVER POTTERY WHEEL
‘NOT Safe For Work, Doug,’ your boss told you earlier this morning, spotting what his pervert’s brain instantly processed to be sloppy pornography. There was shocked silence in the row of cubicles as his voice boomed over the tinny elevator…
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5 FAST DINNERS FOR WELL TBH PRETTY MUCH EVERY FUCKING NIGHT THIS WEEK
We at The Gorko know how your fast lifestyle and slim waistline demand excellence in and out of the kitchen. We strive to bring you the latest recipes from the most exotic restaurateurs and Michelin chefs we can suborn in…
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NEW FITNESS PROGRAM PUSHUPS WITH DAISY® BLAMED FOR RASH OF PEORIA-AREA HEART ATTACKS
The latest fashion fad to sweep the Midwest, the popular crossfit-esque Pushups With Daisy® workout program, may indeed make a clean sweep of Peoria, body and soul, according to local minister Rasbald Jenkins. ‘Pushups With Daisy would be better characterized…
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Upcoming Movie: ‘Assault on Cell Block Number Nine or Was It Nineteen’
Writer-director and lead actor Donny Dumanavich might have spent a millisecond more pondering the confusing and unnecessary title of his latest action blockbuster, Assault on Cell Block Number Nine or Was It Nineteen, because the movie clearly details the deadly…
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THESE INNOCENT CITIZENS HAD THEIR CARS TAKEN FROM THEM AND IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANY OF US
The Gorko hereby submits photographic evidence of a tragic and heartbreaking development in downtown Peoria today: hundreds of law-abiding citizens, dressed only in Spandex, have apparently had their cars confiscated by the government or a powerful local cartel. Fortunately the…
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WRITER’S BLOCK: WHEN IT AFFECTS YOUR THIRD GRADER
With kids across the country already back to school, many parents are being forced once again to find answers to those devastating third-grade writing prompts, both sentence and paragraph-level assignments. Fortunately, we have answers for them. ‘They asked little Brian…
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UNCLE TOBY WHAT DO YOU DO DOWN AT THE OLD QUARRY?
Ow, hey, fine I’ll get out of the car. Your car is stupid anyway. Uncle Toby has a girl-fren! Uncle Toby has a girl-fren! Photo by Artem Kryzhanivskyi on Unsplash.
