Month: October 2021
CANDY BARS WITH RAZOR BLADES INSIDE RANKED BY JOHNSON STREET ADDRESS
With Halloween looming sinister on the horizon, it seems it’s that time of the year again when we rank our favorite sweets (candy bars, fudge squares, marshmallow products, bon-bons, truffles, gums, circus peanuts, giant gummies, […]
BUT MR. AND MRS. HALVERSON DIED IN 1984
Photo by Ján Jakub Naništa on Unsplash
Book Excerpt: ‘Mr. Mitchell’s Bookshop of Wonders Come in Children’ by Mitchell Greybeard
This is what we found in Mitchell’s creative studio this morning, an unfinished treatment of a bittersweet coming-of age-novel, a real tearjerker. CHAPTER ONE Dingle dingle, went the door to Mr. Mitchell’s Bookshop of Wonders, […]
THEY WARNED HER NEVER TO PUT A BALLOON ON A STICK
Ever since she was small they had warned her of the dangers of putting a balloon on the end of a stick, whether tied or taped. Yesterday afternoon at approximately 4 pm, she paid the […]
THE REAL HALLOWEEN? DESCRIBE YOUR PROLAPSED HEMORRHOIDS IN SIX WORDS OR LESS
Hemorrhoids (traditionally known as piles, just like Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley on consumption probably was talking tuberculosis) are swollen veins in your lower rectum and anus (read: butthole) that can AS YOU WELL KNOW cause extreme […]
REAL-LIFE HOBBIT DISCOVERED IN DUBLIN
Correction from the August 20th, 2021 article The hobbit in question was discovered in northern China. The furry-footed creature was unfortunately unwilling to open the door for comment. Photo by Yang Shuo on Unsplash
The Theme of the Week is Scooped Twist Back Duplex Support Workout Bras
Every week our Theme Expert, Teddy, goes into detail on a new theme. This week’s theme is Scooped Twist Back Duplex Support Workout Bras. If you are like most poets, you like to look good […]
THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NEVER TO HONK FOR MY DAUGHTER, ŚLUSARCZYK
I tell you once I tell you a thousand times Ślusarczyk, you son of a fishmonger, you dirty nephew of a czar! You come round here looking for my daughter you walk through the gate, […]
THE STATE OF ILLINOIS GAVE TEENS $250 FOR CULTURE AND THEY CHOSE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
When the State of Illinois launched an app that gave all 18-year-olds in the state $250 to spend on literature, music, exhibits, stage plays, or even art supplies or classes, City of Peoria authorities got […]
NO NOT A PICTURE OF THREE COWS, YOU PERVERT
Tis an early-century portrait of the ideal country life in a place with gently rolling hills, partial woodland, and the softest of zephyrs. Compare to other portraits of its time before you jump to conclusions […]
REPORT: SHE ATE THEIR MAYONNAISE THEN HOPPED A TRAIN FOR CHARLOTTE
The enigmatic, swashbuckling figure of Tonya Klippenberg-Vattenwasch III, one-time Romanian Robin Hood, European fugitive-at-large, and Wild West golden age of cinema bank robber of the 2010s, has reportedly made another iconic appearance, this time on […]
Found Poetry: ‘Poet Interruptus’ by Uncle Toby
POET INTERRUPTUSA Poem By Tobyfor Barbara from the office She is always clothed in a gait of disinterestHer tousled, carefully combed golden hairSpeaks lyric poetry like pure bromide to meCallow to the utmost, maturely she […]
UNFORTUNATELY FOR TOMMY, SHE WAS WORTH IT
Photo by Stoner 🌱 on Unsplash
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR WIENER ACCIDENTALLY SLIPS INTO THE FIRE
So it has happened again: you are standing at the bonfire with a person you are hoping to impress, wiener on stick, and the goldarn thing slips off into the fire, settling firmly into the […]
SHE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO. IT WASN’T HER FIRST RUSSIAN SA3 BUFFER-AND-SCREW, AFTER ALL
There were doubters at first but she made believers of us all as she surveyed, mounted, and then uncoupled the Cherepanov steam locomotive from its multiple unit cargo cars with one deft movement of her […]
HOT-TEMPERED SOUS CHEF FORCED TO WOK IT BACK
Local sous chef Wilson Rappaport, known to customers and coworkers alike to be emotionally volatile and prone to episodes of stomping and pasta-flinging, did the right thing this week after throwing a particularly scandalous temper […]
Classic Gorko: The Advice Files
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PARENTS OF JOURNALIST DETAINED IN MYANMAR: IT’S A NICE BREAK FOR US
She said that the retired couple were really quite relieved to be getting a break from Dwayne’s condescending attitude and long bathroom routines.
BRUSH UP ON YOUR FRENCH: HOW DO YOU SAY ‘MAC N CHEESE’ IN PARIS?
Many students who are after a more authentic experience on their semester abroad actually attempt to learn some of the local languages such as Tagalog, Kra-Dai, Tai-Kadai, or even French. If you are going to […]
EARTHQUAKE!
It always happens this way, every time. Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash YOU MAY ALSO LIKE…
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK TO REJOIN THE CREW OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE FOR NACHOS AND BEER
Captain James Tiberius Kirk of Starfleet Command spoke to Earth earlier this week about his plans to rejoin the crew and officers of his illustrious Starship Enterprise for one final glorious voyage. The intergalactically famous […]
Mitch’s Movie Mash: MOVIE CRITIQUE DELITE
One of the great benefits of being a famous movie reviewer is that you don’t have to go to the movies! The movies come to you. Let’s see what this week’s mailbag has brought little […]
RIGHT BEFORE JENNY FUCKING SNAPPED
Photo by Moose Photos on pexels.com
YOU KNOW THAT SCENE IN ‘PSYCHO’ I AM TALKING ABOUT
You mean the one where the guy stabs the girl to death with a butcher knife in the shower? Nooooo…come on man. That’s the only scene I remember from Psycho. Let me give you a […]
APRLE iRHONE 13: SO YOU WANT TO CARRY THIS UNLUCKY THING AROUND WITH YOU EVERYWHERE
Critics have been quick to pan the new Aprle iRhone 13, and the reason they have may surprise you. READ ON TO HEAR THE REASON Not for the lack of sizing options, clunky Suber Retina […]
WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE IS TOBY
Reports circulating earlier this week that wherever you went, there was Toby have been confirmed by Gorko sources Nadira and Aisha. ‘We were in the grocery store the other day and, yep, there was Toby,’ […]
Upcoming Movie: ‘Lighthouse Museum’
The terrifying new film takes the familiar milieu of the abandoned lighthouse with one crazy person inside and turns it completely on its head.
IT’S OFFICIAL: PEORIA TO BE RENAMED PEORIA EL PASO
The Gorko interviewed several Peoria natives who gave their initial reactions to the results of the October 4th Peoria or Peoria El Paso (Peoria Just Passin’ Thru) referendum, the result of the recent city council […]
