Author: thegorkogazette
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WHEN DOGS ATTACK: HOW TO DEFEND YOURSELF FROM CHICO’S JACK-RUSSELL GAMBIT
Ruff ruff! barks Chico, a truly aggressive chess player.
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‘Flipper’ by Cheryl Snell
For a moment it believes it will escape to freedom on the mouth’s wave of coughing and spitting, but no such luck.
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MITCH’S LET’S JUMP THE GUN! TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2023 IN JULY
Gorko Entertainment Editor Mitchell Kennedy sticks a fork in those months of moviegoing madness with his annual LET’S JUMP THE GUN – Mitch’s top movie picks of the year, only halfway through the year!
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THE MURDER OF MR. WONDERFUL
In his now famous last words, he asked, ‘Who let Kimmel back in here? Jimmy, is that you under that toupee?’
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FROM THE AMERICAN CHEESE SPECIAL: ‘Coagulating, with Grace’ by Annabelle Williams
I’ve grown a mustache and my car rattles / on the side of the highway while I heave
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GOT THE TUESDAY DUES? HAPPINESS HACKS FROM MISTER BANANA
One time Mister Banana went out for baseball…
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DID YOU MISS ‘READ A ROAD MAP WEEK’? NOW IS YOUR CHANCE TO HELP ME GET TO CLEVELAND, HOP IN
Gorko Caption Contest! Favorite captions will be published at the end of the summer.
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Classic Gorko: WOULDN’T YOU LOVE TO BELONG TO THIS SMILE?
SPONSORED BY DENNIS & QUAID DENTAL ASSOCIATES
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IF YOUR PET SNAKE RALPHIE ATE YOUR FAVORITE GUINEA PIG HAMLET, HOW MANY MOUSE MONDAYS WOULD YOU CANCEL AS PUNISHMENT?
What if Ralphie went on a roll, swallowing Chomper, Nibbles, Marshmallow, and Rosie?
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BREAKING: Oh My Fucking God. God No. Oh Holy Fuck. God Fucking Damn It.
We’re so fucked. What are we going to do? There’s no fucking way we can pay for that. Christ on a stick.
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The Theme of the Week is Lucky Breaks
Lucky Breaks always happen when things are looking bleakest, as in your life now.
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IF BROTHER ETHERNAN TREADS ON THE BACK OF MY SANDAL ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR I AM GOING TO TAKE HIM THE F#$! OUT AFTER VESPERS
Clumsy, stupid, and cheerful, Brother Ethernan is the incarnation of everything I despise in humankind.
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CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF OR IS SOMEONE MURDERING LIZ TAYLOR?
Is that awful sound a literal cat on a literal hot tin roof, yowling for its poor paws, or is someone murdering Elizabeth Taylor?
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FROM THE AMERICAN CHEESE SPECIAL: EXCERPTS FROM ‘PRINCESS VELVEETA’ by Mark Blickley
I’ll pull double duty and gladly split time between your (points to Basil) cave and his (points to Herb).
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Babies – not as young as we think?
‘One day, I was sitting around the dinner table and thought to myself, what if babies weren’t actually that young?’
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‘Cool Summer Fun’ – art by Cheryl Caesar
Here’s a wispy little fairy holding a wand, and so far none of my friends can figure out what it is. Can you?
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WHAT IN THE HELL ARE THEY PUTTING IN THE TAPWATER
they are dancing in the streets but their feet do not touch the ground
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DROWNING, NOT WAVING: WHEN TO IGNORE YOUR INSTINCT AND SWING INTO DECISIVE ACTION THIS SUMMER IN ROLE AS UNOFFICIAL LIFEGUARD
Swing into decisive action in role of unofficial lifeguard and save a little kid’s life, Passive Patty!
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THE MAGIC COMES HOME: DISNEY’S LUXURY HIGH-RISE OFFERS AFFORDABLE HOUSING FOR THE MOUSE-LOYAL
‘We want our tenants to truly have the spirit of the brand in their hearts. That’s much more important to building our unique MCKY community.’
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FROM THE AMERICAN CHEESE SPECIAL: ‘The Processed Cheese We Are’ by Bruce Reisner
A ‘stunt’ they called it at the hospital. Offended. Does no one teach conceptual art anymore?
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SUBMISSION CALL: THE GORKO AMELIA EARHART SPECIAL
SEND US YOUR AMELIASPLOITATION THEORIES, POETRY, FICTION, COMICS, ART, AND OTHER
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Book review by Hugh Blanton: ‘Jersey Jerks’
None other than Bruce Springsteen himself says this memoir is ‘Truly the voice of the Jersey Shore.’
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TRULY FUNNY! HE WAS HOLDING IT UPSIDE DOWN ALL THIS TIME
He ended up walking about 12 blocks south and getting lost in Volkspark Hasenheide before realizing his mistake.
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FROM THE AMERICAN CHEESE SPECIAL: ‘Residents Should Refrain From Wearing Tacky Cheeseheads Intuitively’ by Colin James
Place your suggestions in the bucket, aesthetically formal while unhidden beneath a stained white parchment.
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Excerpt: ‘Toby’s Heart, It Beats For One’ by Uncle Toby
A girl he loves, his precious sun Her eyes like petals, soft and bright
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DOES YOUR FAVORITE TRAVEL COMPANY PROMOTE SELF-INFLICTED HARPOON WOUNDS? FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE REALLY SUPPORTING
Was it just blind coincidence that you yourself have suffered not 1 but 3 self-inflicted harpoon wounds while on tours with Capn Ahab?
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FIFA UNVEILS OFFICIAL MATCH BALL FOR WORLD CUP 2026, SLATED TO BE HELD ABOARD ZORGON DEATH CRUISER ZR3-45XNT
‘ZORGAZMO’ HAS BEEN UNVEILED AS THE OFFICIAL MATCH BALL OF THE FIFA MEN’S WORLD CUP 2026 ZORGAZMO (pictured above), the Official Match Ball of the FIFA Men’s World Cup 2026 was unveiled last night in a spectacular show 12,450 miles…
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FROM THE AMERICAN CHEESE SPECIAL: ‘Slices’ by Will Penn
It is tempting to mythologise the man who oscillates from ‘Sometimes I think we went too far’ to ‘Damn it, we eat it in our own home!’ A reluctant god, perhaps?
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: DO NOT INGEST THE LEMON LOVE TONIC #9
(Stephanie I know it is you! tee hee hee!)
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‘A Half-Eaten Dead Man Walks into a Night Club’ by Kenneth Mitchell
‘You’re beautiful!’ the half-eaten living man says, / a stream of blood splattering the half-eaten dead / man’s half-eaten face. He doesn’t even flinch.
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HOISTED BY THEIR OWN PETARD: MOST HOME INVASION VICTIMS SLAIN BY OWN FLAMING PETARD
A petard is a rocket, which begs the question: what exactly is going on in Peoria? How did these people get snagged on their own rockets?
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GIANT BLOB OF ASPIC LANDS IN LADY’S SOUP
‘I would swear it was Herbert, but he was busy with the asparagus at the time,’ claimed one server, 16-year-old Jenny Fenestrada.
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DARPA PATHETIC HAND-STAPLED FLYERS BEG YOU: PLEASE GIVE US JUST 1 SOVIET CHILD ENGINEER WHO COULD FIGURE OUT THIS RUDIMENTARY SKETCH OF THE GIGANTIC GROUND EFFECT VEHICLE (GEV) DESIGNED TO ATTAIN SUSTAINED FLIGHT OVER A LEVEL SURFACE (USUALLY OVER THE SEA) BY MAKING USE OF GROUND EFFECT MAYDAY HELP MAYDAY
Oh, ha ha, looks like the rocket propulsion bigshots at DARPA are indeed in a bit of a jam and need our help.
