Category: Headlines
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THE HIDDEN COSTS OF OWNING AN ARMY OF GEMINOID M24-CLASS ASSAULT ROBOTS
All your neighbors already had the Trazolight Betas deployed on their borders.
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Everyone gets to live to 100 by Simon Collinson
Now school prepares us for a lifetime of not working in a post industrial society.
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WHAT IF YOU WERE A STUPID DUCK
Hey what is two plus two, we shouted at you, and you would reply by bobbing your head.
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Amazon Delivery Status Messages You Don’t Want to See (But Probably Will) by Jeff Kennedy
It appears your package has probably been delivered somewhere.
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FOR MANY, NO WORD FOR IT BUT ‘SLURVY’
The coffee demographic is no longer limited to adults. The kids have money, and they want sweet and minty.
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GIVE A MAN A FISH AND HE WILL PROBABLY SAY GEE THANKS A LOT MAN AND WALK AWAY
The point of the experiment would be to challenge the premise of the old saying.
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RHYMING POETRY MAY HAVE SAVED YOU FROM SUICIDE BUT DID IT PREVENT THE SENSELESS LOSS OF 40 MILLION SOULS IN WWI, IT MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT
No, it did not, old friend of mine
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In Preparation for Our Next School Shooting by Mike McHone
Speaking of sympathetic messages, perhaps consider something along the lines of, ‘Bless those poor children,’ or ‘At least they’re in a better place’.
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GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: STRAIGHT TALK FROM EMILY DICKINSON
Some lessons are harder than others, and although today’s lesson is pretty unfun, it just might save your life someday. Gorko Retread: ‘GORKO UNFUN BUT TRUE LESSON OF THE DAY: STRAIGHT TALK FROM EMILY DICKINSON’ originally published 18 December 2022.…
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THIS BRITISH PERSON CRISSCROSSED AMERICA BECAUSE SHE ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED HER IPHONE OFF A BRIDGE AND COULD NOT FIND THE UP SIDE ON A PAPER MAP
She purchased a paper map but must have been holding the thing like THIS.
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WE DECIDED TO BECOME A HATS-OFF HOUSEHOLD. BUT THERE WAS ONE SURPRISING OBSTACLE
It had happened, and right in our neighborhood: The Doffularity.
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SCRIPPS SPELLING BEE ADDS THE WORD SUPACALIFRAGILISTICEXPIA OH SHIT, SUPERCA
Scripps Spelling Bee has announced that The Gorko has been disqualified from the upcoming Round of Eight contest this September in Atlanta. Because of ONE LITTLE SLIP. Gorko Retread: ‘SCRIPPS SPELLING BEE ADDS THE WORD SUPACALIFRAGILISTICEXPIA OH SHIT, SUPERCA’ originally…
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MAN WITH PANTS ON FIRE ALSO TRYING TO DRIVE A CAR
One eyewitness described him as ‘extremely hot and bothered’.
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WHAT IF DON MARKENBALDI HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT
The three-time Truman Capote Award for Literary Criticism winner, Harvard Professor Emeritus jackass and femicide Dr. Don Markenbaldi is heading to The Lake.
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Regarding Use of Your Markers For Graffiti Sex Propositioning by Dan Weaver
It is me, Head Facilitator Jacques Boissonneault, and I’m sorry to have to be the bad guy, but…
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WAIT DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD BEFORE THE EGG OR
Luis Fernandez and Toby Joe spent another evening in on the floor of their sparsely furnished living room.
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Husband won’t stop using the word ‘chuffed’
They have darling little code words for everything.
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Prepared For My Demise by Bob Gielow
To help you avoid all that stressful planning while you are grieving for me, I’ve written out the following list of assignments.
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Didja Know? The Historical Edition by Chris Callard
Harry Houdini in earlier versions performed his ‘Escape From Closed Orange Crate’.
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SALMON RUSHDIE BOT SAYS AI CAN’T HURT HUMAN URT OOMANS
You can bet that, unlike in the movies, we closed the door of the warehouse firmly behind us.
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SCIENTISTS ON THE VERGE OF TRANSLATING DOG LANGUAGE
The main problem facing the research team is that dog language is tonal, much like modern Chinese.
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THE LIZARD PEOPLE HAVE LANDED: A PHOTO ESSAY
Fortunately, this formidable enemy is being corralled by local and national military forces.
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UNDERTABLE WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHY DO’S AND DON’TS
Recently people have been asking me about my photo exposition ‘Under The Wedding’ (now showing at Mack’s Bar & Grill in Peoria), in which I explore what goes on UNDER the wedding — literally beneath the tables at weddings.
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Around the Nation, if We Still Have One by William M. McIntosh
Colorado reports an uptick in the number of non-skiers who currently identify as skiers.
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My Parents Took Me to a Comic Convention and Pissed Away My College Tuition by Jesper Soerensen
I’m aware of the hand I have been dealt, and I play it to my best advantage. Hence, my dismay at being dragged to a tragicomic convention. It’s just not on brand.
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An Important Inflight Announcement by Jeff Kennedy
All carry-ons will now be stapled to the wings for your convenience and safety.
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THEY STAB IT WITH THEIR STEELY KNIVES, BUT THEY JUST CAN’T KILL THE BEAST, BROTHER ETHERNAN
A Mercedes-Benz in the context of the Birds of Prey song is a fancy German four-horse carriage with lots of chrome on its exterior.
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MAN GETS SUNSCREEN IN MOUTH, MAYONNAISE IN EYE
He was licking his fingers and then he realized what had happened.
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Roadwork Ahead by William P Adams
‘City fella in a fancy German ride. Shot me some attitude, too, after I shut his ass down with the stop pole. Over.’
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TAKEAWAY COFFEE AND 10 OTHER HILARIOUS PHRASES THAT MAKE BRITISH PEOPLE SOUND LIKE APPALACHIAN MOUNTAIN MEN
Shag: similar to muff, an old-fashioned hand-warmer, like a scarf for the hands.
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MAN ON BICYCLE JUST RIDES AWAY WITH TROPHY
A photograph captured the man in the cape in the instant he was snatching the trophy from the blue felt of the judges’ table.
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The Lemon Reilly Dream Blog : Therapist eats out of multiple McDonald’s takeout bags during sessions
The young doctor has very pleasant manners and is a joy to talk to. I feel like we are making terrific progress!
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‘I THOUGHT I WOULD ALWAYS BE A RIVER’: WITH STREAMLINE INC. GET THE BODY OF WATER YOU ALWAYS DREAMED OF
Gorko staffers have never worked so hard to come up with such a pathetic headline.
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NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT MICRONESIA. THAT’S BECAUSE YOU NEED A MAGNIFYING GLASS TO FIND IT ON A MAP
Magnifying glasses are of course essential for research into countries whose international denomination is micro.
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Husband won’t honor 6 of 10 non-negotiables
My dh (dear husband) of 8 years has recently begun sluffing off.
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EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN DEEPLY FULFILLING IMAGINATIVE LIVES EXCEPT STEVE
Finally after two years our suspicions have been confirmed.
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MITCHELL KENNEDY MASTERCLASS IN ORDERING AT PEORIA’S FINEST 3 RESTAURANTS
Fine dining with a pet CAN be daunting for the inexperienced.
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Presidential Suite: Tempers, Temperatures, and Two Ex-Presidents (When Hissy Fits Make History) by Zenith Knox
After their wives kick them out of their homes, Bill and George are forced to share an apartment in Washington, D.C.
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Nixon Reeks Again by Wolfgang Wright
According to an informant going by the name of ‘Deep Pudding,’ the lengthy gap in the June 20, 1972 audio tape was in fact erased deliberately.
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GORKO CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO RIGOROUSLY TESTS ANOTHER RECIPE
Here is a breakdown of Rambo’s famous test.
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3 decolorized photographs that drain the present of all vitality
3 breathtaking modern photographs that have been painstakingly decolorized and drained of their vibrant reality.
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A Pickleball Future by William P Adams
Soup-Soup Sarisi, the undefeated, undisputed Grand Champion Gherkin of all things Pickleball, claims the sport has ushered in a new era of peace and prosperity.
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SCIENTISTS SAY THEY ARE CLOSE TO OPENING ANOTHER CAN OF BAKED BEANS. COULD THE AGE OF DE-BEANING BE UPON US?
Stay strong — remain calm — be informed.
