Category: Headlines
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Naughty Not Nice: The Convicted Felon’s Holiday Gift Guide by Torrey Kurtzner
Not sure what to get your loved ones this holiday season? Fear not; our resident convicted felon has got you covered!
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You ain’t seen nothing yet b-b-b-baby, you just ain’t seen n-n-n-nothing yet, B-B-B-Brother Ethernan
How do I know? I met a devil woman, who took my heart away.
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GIVE THE GIFT OF CHESS PROGRAM CANCELED AFTER LATEST GANGSTYLE BEHEADING
This is not the first time that chess has driven youth movements to acts of irrational, hot-tempered violence.
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GORKO CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO REVEALS HOW HIS TERMINALLY ILL MOTHER LOST FIFTEEN POUNDS EATING ONLY 3-INCH MIRACLE CAKES, THEN DIED
Apart from the 3-inch miracle cakes baked by her son, her only form of sustenance since April of this year had been vodka with Red Bull chasers.
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CHARCUTERIE BOARD LITERALLY JUST LITTLE PILES OF THINGS FROM GUY’S FRIDGE
Local gourmand and all-around great neighbor Jeff may in fact be Peoria’s biggest fraud!
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FREESTYLE HIGHDIVING NOT YOUR THING? WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE STUCK TO THE 12 FOOT BOARD
You should have stuck to the kids’ board.
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HOW TO STOP GIVING SUCH GREAT ADVICE AT EVERY SINGLE FAMILY BARBECUE
Yes, it is like the straw that breaks the camel’s back, or rather ounce of gold dust, if you prefer to think about it that way.
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MY NEW HELLS ANGELS BUDDIES DONT USE APOSTROPHES EITHER
What if we were to tell you that it is YOU that is missing the apostrophe, not us.
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GORKO CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO: HOW TO TURN YOUR FAVORITE CHESSBOARD INTO A SCRUMPTIOUS CHEESEBOARD
Draw lines on Karla’s back to make HER into a chessboard.
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THE DAEMON THAT LIVES IN THE CELLAR OF THE REFECTORY HAS STRUCK AGAIN, BROTHER ETHERNAN
That is right, little tassle-top, do NOT go in the refectory cellar or the demon that lives there shall surely twist your top off.
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SOME WEAR THEIR HEART ON THEIR SLEEVE, FOR ME IT’S THE COLOSTOMY BAG
Well for me it is different, ever since the accident: I bare my ass to the world.
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WHAT CAN YOU COOK OVER LIVE COALS WHILE THE NEIGHBORS ARE FINISHED BUT STILL COOLING? GORKO CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO REVEALS HIS SECRETS
Too bad, because we personally are fine with Sharon and Jeff, but who is perfect?
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POLITE SOCIETY DISCOVERED IN SOUTH PEORIA: THEY WERE THERE ALL ALONG!
Long rumored to haunt the parlors, churches, and Wednesday domino nights at VFW’s of the nation’s middle west, previous sightings were all eventually debunked as hoaxes.
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‘Your Boss Used the Word Hollibobs’ and more news from the front by Benjamin Macnair
‘Thank God it is only three sleeps until the weekend when I will be kicking it again with my homies.’
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CRYPTIC MESSAGE FOUND ON RADDY’S TYPEWRITER IN 1996 FINALLY DECODED
With the aid of the cutting-edge AI tool/persona Gorko Crimestopper Sleuth, Raddy himself revisited the weathered Letter and claims to have cracked it.
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PAY IT FORWARD? MORE LIKE PAY IT BECAUSE IT IS TAXES
Yes, Uncle Toby, they saw the curtains move and are going nowhere.
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THIS PEORIA WOMAN’S WEEK IS ONLY 1 DAY LONG SO FOR HER IT IS ALWAYS EITHER SATURDAY OR SUNDAY
‘My week only has one day,’ she bragged to The Gorko’s cub reporter, ‘and that day is either Saturday or Sunday.’
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NOVICES WHO HUM THE LITURGY WHILE HOEING SHALL BE BEATE WITH THEIR OWN SANDAL, THEREAFTER LOCKED IN THE SHITHAUSE TIL MATINS, BROTHER ETHERNAN
And no more loud longing sighs as you gaze upon the portraits of the martyrs, either, you little weirdo.
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POPE FINALLY MEETS TOM BRADY
Gushing to reporters in the locker room after Sunday’s Prego Tom Brady event in the Stadio Olimpico in Rome, Italy’s first live American football event that featured a faceoff between the G.O.A.T.’s own Tampa Bay Buccaneers and some other team,…
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NO NOT A PICTURE OF THREE COWS, YOU PERVERT
Tis an early-century portrait of the ideal country life in a place with gently rolling hills, partial woodland, and the softest of zephyrs. Compare to other portraits of its time before you jump to conclusions next time, sicko. GORKO RETREAD!…
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2024 NFL RULE CHANGES EXPLAINED
The replacement of the traditional pigskin with shuttles (also known as birdies) shall also require the introduction of racquets.
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WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF CILANTRO?
What flavor cilantro you think goes best with a standard yellow curry?
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Help! The Next Door Neighbors Keep Getting The Royal Shit Kicked Out Of Them
AITA for calling the police?
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3 WAYS TO TAKE OUT YOUR FRUSTRATION BY RUINING SOMEONE ELSE’S DAY
No one likes to get jostled or bumped by a stranger.
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MITCH’S MOVIE MASH: 3 MISTAKES YOU’RE PROBABLY MAKING WHILE WATCHING ‘MAXXXINE’
With these three simple pointers your MaXXXine movie-going experience will be as poop-your-pants, pee-your-knickers terrifying as ours!
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NOW IMAGINE THAT TOAST WITHOUT ANY BUTTER OR EVEN AVOCADO ON IT: THAT IS THE APOCALYPSE
That, my friend, is the real apocalypse.
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THIS CHILI CON CARNE RECIPE WILL BURN YOUR FACE OFF
Our special chile con carne recipe is so hot it will literally make your face drip off of your skull.
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GERMAN PASTRY COMPANY KONDITOREI-KREME LAUNCHES REVOLUTIONARY NEW PREDICTABLE-CRUMBLE COOKIE
The predictable-crumble cookie is still in the testing phase, but scientists are optimistic for an end-of-year launch.
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EVERYONE KNOWS YOU HAVE TO PUT THE LIME IN THE COCONUT, BROTHER ETHERNAN
Dat’s right, little Ethy, you go put da lime in da coconut, and you drink it all up. You put the lime in the coconut, you drink ’em both together.
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THIS PEORIA HILLS HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION BANNED THE WORD ‘MUFFIN’. ALSO YOUR BICHON FRISE MUFFIN. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
How in God’s name am I supposed to call my dog now?
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‘My Kind Of Newspaper’ by Camille Norvaisas
At present, the squirrel remains on the first Y branch of the oak tree, a mere two feet above the capture party.
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WORDS WE DREAD: RIFE
This word (which we do not permit to be used at our home) is creepy and full of spiders.
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WE ALREADY DELETED YOUR COMMENT
Not sure how to sugarcoat this, so we will not, you son of a MONSTER: your most recent comment has already been deleted from this platform.
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‘Half Life’ by Jake Zawlacki
I didn’t want to act because acting looked like running and screaming like a psycho with your eyes wide open.
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THEY GOT YOUR DATA AND THEN USED IT TO HAVE A FEW GIGGLES
They rehashed your life story over boozy drinks and cigarettes!
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BET YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN ONE OF THESE, UNCLE TOBY SAYS TO FELLOW COMMUTER
Here are some of our favorite Blurt It, Uncle Toby! lines, along with their official Gorko grade.
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‘Glitter for President’ by Bruce Reisner
I’m urging voters, both parties (Dems especially) to write glam rocker Gary Glitter in for president in the next election.
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Book Excerpt: ‘Wondering Stars’ by Mitchell Orange
Gorko subleaser and Entertainment Editor Mitchell Kennedy has been working on his own multi-generational epic, one that places himself at the center in the character of Cheyenne Argot Bluefeather Mitchell.
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GORKO CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO’S FLING IT AGAINST THE WALL TO SEE IF IT IS COOKED SERIES: CHEESY EGG AND POTATO BREAKFAST CASSEROLE
As many fans of Gorko chef Rambo Bolillo’s world-famous cooking show know, as well as being a huge fan of lunches and dinners, he rarely lets a day go by without indulging in a truly complete breakfast.
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‘New Study Finds that Everyone at That Party Really Did Hate You’ by V N Garmon
The team’s findings point to six major shortcomings that really held you back in the eyes of all those strangers.
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WE TESTED 2 POPULAR CHEF’S KNIVES AND WERE RUSHED TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM
The doctors say the hand will recover, but in the meantime we are going to be eating out.
