Category: Headlines
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PUGS ON RUGS: SIDEWINKLE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Mitchell Kennedy has been hard at work in our shared bathroom on a series of YA science fiction novels called Pugs On Rugs. Yes, Mitchell LOVES dogs.
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TRUE CRIME CASES WE HAVE SOLVED: AMELIA EARHART
The clue that almost every other clumsy posse of amateur sleuths overlooked was, as per usual, directly beneath everyone’s nose.
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3 SEXY DISTRESS FLARES FOR THAT ARCTIC VACATION THAT WILL DRIVE YOUR RESCUE CHOPPER PILOT WILD
Here are 3 of the internet’s sexiest distress signals, all personally tested by Gorko reporters in the Gorko Arctic Laboratory outside of Peoria!
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TRUE CRIME CASES WE HAVE SOLVED: PETER BENT OF SURREY, ENGLAND
She is 110% American: has lived in Peoria since 1976, bakes apple pies, and even talks with the indicative nasal whine.
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TO BEAD OR NOT TO BEAD
Whether ’tis nobler in the beader to suffer / The strings and clasps of outrageous bead venders,
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TRUE CRIME CASES WE HAVE SOLVED: THE PEORIA DAHLIA
Karla used a medical dictionary to stage the bizarre death scene, reasoning that the Peoria police would attribute the murder to her ex-husband Chaz.
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WATCH THIS STUPID DUCK TRY TO DO BASIC MATH
Hey what is two plus two, we shouted at the duck, and it would reply by bobbing its head.
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THIS CLUMSY BOY ORDERED PIZZA AND FORGOT TO GIVE HIS ADDRESS
If you see the boy tell him his pizza has been out of the oven for twenty minutes.
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TRUE CRIME CASES WE HAVE SOLVED: UNCLE TOBY AND THE NEAR BEARS INCIDENT
No one in the bar, including BEARtender Ralph or the CCTV footage from that night, saw him walk out again.
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‘BUMBLE STUMBLE’ by Mark Blickley
Each rejection stoked my insecurity and I eventually stopped sending out requests to avoid being crushed. But BUMBLE is a different kind of dating app.
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Sorry For Not Creating Reliable Historical Records of Those Alien Visits, You Guys – Newly Discovered Online Oral Accounts of Ancient Astronauts
Thanks to sites like InfoWars, 4Chan, and numerous subreddits, we now have indisputable proof that beings from the other side of the universe have been the unseen hand guiding the advancement of our species.
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And That’s the News – frontline updates from Leonard Henry Scott
‘I call them Simpson clouds but I don’t know if my meteorological colleagues would agree….’
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WHAT WOULDN’T YOU GIVE FOR SOME PEACE AND QUIET?
#17: A MAGIC ROCK THAT CAUSES PEOPLE TO SIMPLY LOSE THE POWER OF SPEECH WHEN YOU HIT THEM WITH IT
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THIS CLUMSY BOY BROKE UP METALLICA AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS
This boy’s name is Joseph, he is from East Peoria, and he is wanted by federal police for breaking up the beloved heavy metal band Metallica.
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HEY BROTHER ETHERNAN DID YOU HEAR THAT GOD CANCELED CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR, IT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED
Don’t look so downcast, it is only one Christmas.
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PIERRE MASTERS: SELECT TWITTER LOG OF A TWIT
Wrote PIERRE MASTERS: Poignant, moving, troubling, depth of expression in P.F. MASTERS’ latest poem ‘Caoutchouc’, up at Split Chest Lit.
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THIS CLUMSY BOY BROKE HANNUKAH
If you see him tell him the Maccabees are going to put his head into a toilet and hit flush.
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MITCH’S MOVIE MASH: Finally another film about Nazis
No movie producer wants to live with the chance of an active Nazi Sonderkommando someday hunting him and his family down in their Malibu summer cottage. Achtung!
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3 COSTUME TWEAKS FOR THAT HOLIDAY PARTY THAT WILL LEAVE THEM STUNNED AND WANTING MORE
Don’t be shy about splashing on the fake blood!
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AMELIA EARHART SPECIAL: SNEAK PREVIEW
Ameliasploitation, as defined by dictionaries, is a reaction by artists to the prompt Who was Amelia Earhart?
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WHAT IF YOUR SWIMMING SUIT WERE MADE OF LITERAL DENTAL FLOSS THAT WOULD BE A NIGHTMARE
I mean they could see EVERYTHING.
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AMELIA EARHART TEASER: AMELIASPLOITATION
Ameliasploitation, as defined by dictionaries, is a reaction by artists to the prompt Who was Amelia Earhart?
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: Football season is ruining my marriage
Things are NEVER as bad as they seem except of course in one of Tom Henderson’s events.
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‘YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON BY HOW THEY TREAT THEIR PRIVATE CHEF’: CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO SPILLS THE BEANS ON COOKING FOR MITCH AND LEMON
While Raddy essentially survives on lo mein and cigarettes, what you may not have realized is just how finicky Mitch, Ampersat Todd, and Lemon are about their food!
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THAT’S HER OVER THERE THE WOMAN WHO KEEPS CALLING YOU AI DAUGHTER
She isn’t your mom, is she? Then you could call her AI Mother.
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YES WE LOVE THE DRESS CODE AT YOUR WEDDING
It allows us to just be ourselves and relax in our suspenders and red plaid lumberjack shirts.
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RUFFETY MALAI MIMETY MUMBALAI MALAI MINNETY MUNDEMAWEW
FRIPPETY MINNY MAYEW IMPETTY BIMPETY MUNDETUPPITY BAWUMPETY MALAI.
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BUSHES: ARE THEY FROM TEXAS?
Ever since Uncle Toby started working at the Peoria Creepers Nursery in Dunlap he has learned a ton about plants, and been coming home with a lot of really good questions.
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THIS COBRA KAI SHOWDOWN JUST TOOK AN AWKWARD TURN FOR JOHNNY
JUST GOOD OLD-FASHIONED VANILLA-FLAVORED AMERICANA FOLKS
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THAT IS THE SOUND OF ONE-HANDED GOD CLAPPING FOR YOUR DUMB ORATION BROTHER ETHERNAN
I hate listening to people’s voices, but Brother Ethernan’s puerile little chipMONK drone is my private version of hell.
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COMPARING MACKEREL? TRY GORKO CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO’S CUNNING INVENTION, THE MACKEREL SIZER
Simple yet elegant in design, the Rambo Mackerelizer allows any line cook to simply stretch a mackerel out and measure the sucker.
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THIS CLUMSY BOY MELTED THE POLAR ICE SHELF
Winter is coming, in the form of 60 to 70 centimeters of displaced water.
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GORKO CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO: BEST 3 CHINESE DISHES TO SNORT, NOT EAT
Soft and warm, with just the perfect amount of spice, it will go up your nostrils like a dream.
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MR. CHATBOT HAS YOUR FAMILY ALBUM READY: WHAT DO YOU MEAN OF COURSE THEY LOOK LIKE PEOPLE
Why are you freaking out, geesh. It is close enough, no chatbot would even notice.
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STONEHENGE: CAN IT BE SPELT?
Must have taken a dozen gos at it and I am beginning to think the answer is not possible, my friends.
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NOLCHA’S POOP SCOOP: Who’s the Real Monster of the March?
That same evening, parents scooped up Halloween leftovers while their children slept, to hand over to the dentist.
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AND ONE OF THEM IS YOUR FATHER
You remember the stories about the infamous Peoria Concert in the Park in 2013?
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WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY LATEST PIECE I THINK I’LL CALL IT STILL LIFE WITH TULIPS
This is a painting of a bunch of flowers is all.
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TIM IS SHORT! GORKO INTERPLANETARY ACOUSTICIANS STRUGGLE TO DECODE MYSTERIOUS SOS FROM ZORGON 12
INTERPLANETARY SCIENTISTS HAVE BEEN RACING AGAINST TIM TO DECODE THE MESSAGE AND DEPLOY AN APPROPRIATE RESPONSE TEAM.
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EVERY TIME I TRY TO WALK AWAY SOMETHING MAKES ME TURN AROUND AND STAY
Look at us master, up all night, basically fighting with words and whips.
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AIN’T NOTHING BUT A HOUND DOG
You are crying all the time, well maybe it is because you have never even caught a rabbit.
