Category: Headlines
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FREEDOM OR DEATH: YES THIS IS THE CHOICE VALIANT PEOPLE OF THE AMERICA BY MR. CHATBOT
But freedom is not just about individual happiness. It is also about the well-being of society as a whole.
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WHEN DOGS ATTACK: HOW TO DEFEND YOURSELF FROM CHICO’S JACK-RUSSELL GAMBIT
Ruff ruff! barks Chico, a truly aggressive chess player.
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MITCH’S LET’S JUMP THE GUN! TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2023 IN JULY
Gorko Entertainment Editor Mitchell Kennedy sticks a fork in those months of moviegoing madness with his annual LET’S JUMP THE GUN – Mitch’s top movie picks of the year, only halfway through the year!
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THE MURDER OF MR. WONDERFUL
In his now famous last words, he asked, ‘Who let Kimmel back in here? Jimmy, is that you under that toupee?’
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DID YOU MISS ‘READ A ROAD MAP WEEK’? NOW IS YOUR CHANCE TO HELP ME GET TO CLEVELAND, HOP IN
Gorko Caption Contest! Favorite captions will be published at the end of the summer.
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IF YOUR PET SNAKE RALPHIE ATE YOUR FAVORITE GUINEA PIG HAMLET, HOW MANY MOUSE MONDAYS WOULD YOU CANCEL AS PUNISHMENT?
What if Ralphie went on a roll, swallowing Chomper, Nibbles, Marshmallow, and Rosie?
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BREAKING: Oh My Fucking God. God No. Oh Holy Fuck. God Fucking Damn It.
We’re so fucked. What are we going to do? There’s no fucking way we can pay for that. Christ on a stick.
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IF BROTHER ETHERNAN TREADS ON THE BACK OF MY SANDAL ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR I AM GOING TO TAKE HIM THE F#$! OUT AFTER VESPERS
Clumsy, stupid, and cheerful, Brother Ethernan is the incarnation of everything I despise in humankind.
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CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF OR IS SOMEONE MURDERING LIZ TAYLOR?
Is that awful sound a literal cat on a literal hot tin roof, yowling for its poor paws, or is someone murdering Elizabeth Taylor?
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Babies – not as young as we think?
‘One day, I was sitting around the dinner table and thought to myself, what if babies weren’t actually that young?’
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‘Cool Summer Fun’ – art by Cheryl Caesar
Here’s a wispy little fairy holding a wand, and so far none of my friends can figure out what it is. Can you?
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WHAT IN THE HELL ARE THEY PUTTING IN THE TAPWATER
they are dancing in the streets but their feet do not touch the ground
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DROWNING, NOT WAVING: WHEN TO IGNORE YOUR INSTINCT AND SWING INTO DECISIVE ACTION THIS SUMMER IN ROLE AS UNOFFICIAL LIFEGUARD
Swing into decisive action in role of unofficial lifeguard and save a little kid’s life, Passive Patty!
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THE MAGIC COMES HOME: DISNEY’S LUXURY HIGH-RISE OFFERS AFFORDABLE HOUSING FOR THE MOUSE-LOYAL
‘We want our tenants to truly have the spirit of the brand in their hearts. That’s much more important to building our unique MCKY community.’
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SUBMISSION CALL: THE GORKO AMELIA EARHART SPECIAL
SEND US YOUR AMELIASPLOITATION THEORIES, POETRY, FICTION, COMICS, ART, AND OTHER
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TRULY FUNNY! HE WAS HOLDING IT UPSIDE DOWN ALL THIS TIME
He ended up walking about 12 blocks south and getting lost in Volkspark Hasenheide before realizing his mistake.
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FROM THE AMERICAN CHEESE SPECIAL: ‘Residents Should Refrain From Wearing Tacky Cheeseheads Intuitively’ by Colin James
Place your suggestions in the bucket, aesthetically formal while unhidden beneath a stained white parchment.
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DOES YOUR FAVORITE TRAVEL COMPANY PROMOTE SELF-INFLICTED HARPOON WOUNDS? FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE REALLY SUPPORTING
Was it just blind coincidence that you yourself have suffered not 1 but 3 self-inflicted harpoon wounds while on tours with Capn Ahab?
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FIFA UNVEILS OFFICIAL MATCH BALL FOR WORLD CUP 2026, SLATED TO BE HELD ABOARD ZORGON DEATH CRUISER ZR3-45XNT
‘ZORGAZMO’ HAS BEEN UNVEILED AS THE OFFICIAL MATCH BALL OF THE FIFA MEN’S WORLD CUP 2026 ZORGAZMO (pictured above), the Official Match Ball of the FIFA Men’s World Cup 2026 was unveiled last night in a spectacular show 12,450 miles…
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: DO NOT INGEST THE LEMON LOVE TONIC #9
(Stephanie I know it is you! tee hee hee!)
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HOISTED BY THEIR OWN PETARD: MOST HOME INVASION VICTIMS SLAIN BY OWN FLAMING PETARD
A petard is a rocket, which begs the question: what exactly is going on in Peoria? How did these people get snagged on their own rockets?
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GIANT BLOB OF ASPIC LANDS IN LADY’S SOUP
‘I would swear it was Herbert, but he was busy with the asparagus at the time,’ claimed one server, 16-year-old Jenny Fenestrada.
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DARPA PATHETIC HAND-STAPLED FLYERS BEG YOU: PLEASE GIVE US JUST 1 SOVIET CHILD ENGINEER WHO COULD FIGURE OUT THIS RUDIMENTARY SKETCH OF THE GIGANTIC GROUND EFFECT VEHICLE (GEV) DESIGNED TO ATTAIN SUSTAINED FLIGHT OVER A LEVEL SURFACE (USUALLY OVER THE SEA) BY MAKING USE OF GROUND EFFECT MAYDAY HELP MAYDAY
Oh, ha ha, looks like the rocket propulsion bigshots at DARPA are indeed in a bit of a jam and need our help.
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FROM THE AMERICAN CHEESE SPECIAL: ‘SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF CHEESE’ by Nolcha Fox
‘This is America, and we want the real cheese!’
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IS YOUR NAME RHYS? TAKE OUR FREE QUIZ TO FIND OUT
Wonder no longer, friend! Take our quiz to find out whether your name is Rhys or not.
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LIKE HOPSCOTCH FOR ADULTS: MY NEW ‘POLKAKRAUT FOR BEGINNERS’ CLASS IS ONLY COSTING ME 35 BUCKS A SESSION PLUS BYO CABBAGE
Its Peoria incarnation involves live polka music, talented choreography instructors, and of course extremely sharp knives.
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WHY SWITZERLAND IS THERE
The Gorko has been receiving a surprisingly large number of emails over the past several months demanding to know what Switzerland is, and why it is located in the middle of Europe. Below are our best 3 guesses. SWISS CHEESE…
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ACCEPTING THOSE COOKIES BY BOB GIELOW
You accepted the cookies, didn’t you? Ha! That means you didn’t click on the ‘learn more’ box and read these details.
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CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED VOLE
I kind of like it, this crazy little vole. It even knows how to rock and roll.
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I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAMED WHEN GORKO CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO CUT OFF HIS LEFT INDEX FINGER DURING LAST NIGHT’S LIVE SHOW
‘Murdock! I’m coming to get you! I’m your worst nightmare!’
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GORKO CHEF RAMBO BOLILLO REVEALS THE 3 SMOKIEST DISHES THAT EVER GOT HIM FIRED
‘I was run out of RMP in Dodge City after attempting to add a bit of smoke to Janelle Monáe’s breakfast cereal,’ confessed the beleaguered bigleague cook.
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WHAT’S RIDING UP OUR ASSES TODAY?
Oops we sat on the fruitcake again, and now it is riding up our asses.
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OOPS NEW BAR ‘NEAR BEERS’ IS JUST A PUB CLOSE TO YOUR HOUSE
You ran right over to check it out with your AA sponsor Toby.
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THE GORKO RAN YOUR EMAIL THROUGH AN AI TEXT DETECTION APP AND YEP YOU ARE A ROBOT
Your mother’s name is Dr. Donald Fispunks and he created you in a DARPA weapons laboratory sometime between Augsut 2017 and January 2018.
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PEOPLE HAVING TROUBLE WITH SANDWICHES NO. 8
Favorite captions will be published at the end of the summer.
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THIS CHINESE GIBBON KEPT IN A SOLITARY CAGE GOT PREGNANT AND HAD A BABY TRUST US YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED
No our reporters did NOT see Uncle Toby entering or pulling out of the monkey house where Molly is on display, he usually just goes to pet the goats.
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SNEAK PEEK: YOUR GENERATIONAL YEARBOOK, 2063
You and your group of cocksure friends may still be beautiful and full of vinegar and sass in 2063, sonny, as your behavior tends to imply you think, but recent advanced computer facial aging technology my friend Bernie down New…
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FROM THE AMERICAN CHEESE SPECIAL: ‘Good cheese is like a fine wine’ by JENX
We all have guilty pleasures, methinks. Take cheesy music, for example.
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RATZASS: UNRELEASED PRESS RELEASE BY BOB GIELOW
No female Fizer employees can imagine a health-conscious pregnant woman wanting to apply a product to their mouths that has been created using the shavings from a Rat’s butt.
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THE KINDERGARTENER REVOLUTIONIZING THE WAY WE THINK OF CRAYON ART
A local kindergartener enrolled in nearby Lake Glower Elementary, is doing with crayons something that has never been attempted.
