Category: Headlines
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BIODOME RESIDENTS: FOR THE LAST TIME, PLEASE USE INTERCOM TO COMMUNICATE WITH HR, HR IS *NOT* AUTHORIZED TO INTERPRET FRANTIC BODY LANGUAGE
Do not try to shout at us through the glass: we CAN NOT HEAR YOU.
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YES BROTHER ETHERNAN OF COURSE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT FULL-ORBED PATRIPASSIANISM, YOU NITWIT
A child — a lamb are you yet in the world of men at theology, especially in the realm of HERESY, little Ethy.
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Upcoming Movie: ‘Woncha Wonka?’
The extraordinary story of the young Willy Wonka putting into action his machiavellian scheme to entrap the peace-loving Oompa-Loompas inside his chocolate factory.
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KITTY LITTER BUT FOR YOUR OFFICE MATES
Kitty’s Best Friend Poopy People Litter comes in eight different scents, including lavander, lemon-lime, watermelon, and tahini.
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PICK A ROBOT TO LOVE YOU
We have four amazing state-of-the-art Love-Me Bot models for you to choose from.
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‘NOT TIME FOR PANIC YET’ BUT SUPERMOON IS DEFINITELY GETTING BIGGER EVERY TIME
‘Hold your horses, dude,’ the published astronomer replied, ‘it is not time for panic yet.’
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END OF SUMMER FUN! PEOPLE HAVING TROUBLE WITH SANDWICHES AND OTHER MAD CAPTIONS
Here are our favorite captions for a selection of the participating images.
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WAR OF THE MEAT VASSALS DAY 3: MISTER CHATBOT DECLARES TOTAL VICTORY
Operation Meat Patty began just 3 days ago, with a total blitzkreig on all meat vassal positions.
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: The Last Tequila Sunrise?
‘Julia Frankenheimer-Fischer’ (not her real name) from Peoria writes…
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WHY DOES HOUSE HOLOGRAM HOLLY LOOK SAD? TAKE OUR FREE QUIZ TO FIND OUT
What is Holly’s earliest memory?
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CAN THIS NEW TECHNOLOGY REALLY REPLACE INDOOR PLUMBING IN PEORIA?
When asked about the disposal process, Dr. F. simply pointed to his own newly installed Bucket Brigade Chute.
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ALMOST ART, MISTER CHATBOT! BUT INSTEAD IT IS JUST A BLUE EGG WEARING A CROWN SITTING IN A BOAT OF CHEESE
Mister Chatbot may indeed lack that artistic spark, that je ne sais quoi of the meat vassal painter.
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ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10 HOW IMPORTANT IS 5
The Gorko polled 10 local residents using an amazing new polling tool, the 1 TO 10 SCALE, 10 being extremely important on the scale and 1 being not very important at all.
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BROTHER ETHERNAN? WHY NO I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM HAS HE GONE MISSING OR SOMETHING
HE IS NOT TERRIBLY CLEVER, PROBABLY HIS IDEA OF A HILARIOUS PRANK
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WANT TO GO WADING WITH ME TOMORROW? MY WATER BALLET CLASS WAS CANCELED
I promise not to dunk or toss you I know you are only a beginning wader.
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THE CIGAR SHOP HIPSTER WHO IS KEEPING ALL OF YOUR SNIPPED ENDS
He sleeps with them under his pillow.
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GOT THE THURSDAY PURRS-DAYS? HAPPINESS HACKS FROM MISTER BANANA
What did Baby Banana say to Mister Banana?
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LIFE GAVE ME A BUCKET AND A MOP SO I PUT ON A BLUE JUMPER TO MATCH
I say say goldarn the torpedoes, and slip into some working man’s clothes.
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THIS RECKLESS BOY BROKE SCIENCE FICTION
‘This mindless waste of an entire genre,’ wept one onlooker.
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LOVE DOGS ON THE FROZEN PLANET: A MITCHELL KENNEDY ORIGINAL
Ruby and Trotsky run into the bleak landscape, only to tumble into an ice crevice, stumbling directly onto the ancient lost cult of Ice Dogs!
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BIRDS: HOW TO GET THEM TO HANG UP YOUR LAUNDRY
Did you know that many industrial grade bird feeds do not guarantee birds will hang up your laundry for you?
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INSIDER REPORT: LITERARY CRITIC AND SECRET SLEAZE DON MARKENBALDI ALWAYS GOES COMMANDO IN HIS STUDY
Dr. Don Markenbaldi, one-time Contemporary American Literature prof, three-time PET/Payfung Prize winner spends most of his time while esconced behind his large walnut desk in his study completely commando back there.
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MISTER DONKEY WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND
The Magic Land Carousel is dispatched to different places around the world to bring happiness and laughter to sad children.
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3 LOCAL DWARVES WHO ARE ALL ACTUALLY PARKING LOT ATTENDANTS: COULD THEY BE RELATED?
‘Yes we have hired Little People for our garages, they are tremendous workers.’
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SNIPPING THEIR HEDGES JUST A LITTLE TOO CLOSE? 3 BEST PRACTICES FROM MISTER CHATBOT
HAVE A SNAPPY NEW DAY!
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WHY IS UNCLE TOBY TOILET PAPERING HIS OWN MOTHER’S HOUSE, HE LIVES THERE
Can you please provide more information or context about Uncle Toby and the incident you are referring to?
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MITCH’S MOVIE MASH: ROM-COM OF THE SUMMER ‘MEG 2’ HAS REAL TEETH
This crisply directed yet grainy-looking princess-and-pauperess modern fairy tale contains all the elements necessary to sweep a new generation of moviegoers off their feet.
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GOT THE WEDNESDAY WEDDING? HAPPINESS HACKS FROM MISTER BANANA
One time Mister Banana went out for baseball…
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WHAT’S MAKING US LOOK SHORT TODAY? THE BEARD OR COVERALLS CONVERSATION
Chuck me under the chin and call me a midnight munchkin!
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The Lemondrop Dream Blog: THE EVOLUTION TOWARDS LIFE-AFFIRMING LANGUAGE
Hello friends. My name is Lemon Reilly, your Life Doctor.
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Upcoming Movie: ‘I Am Smokey’
Witness this harrowing story of a bear who has lost his reason to be and a young girl who still believes in heroes.
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TH LTTR _ HAS ABSCONDD WITH ALL TH DAMN JWLS
Aftr placing th loot (stimatd to b worth mor than $100,000) th bandit mad a clan scap.
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The Last Five (Six) Women I’ve Known, described as if They Were Literary Plots, Followed by The Thoughtful Edits of Those Plots by the Last Five (Six) Women I’ve Known
He checks her attributes against his list of qualities a good woman should have: 1) Likes to do it, 2) Not a Psycho.
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MIND YOUR P’S AND Q’S WITH THIS HANDY LITTLE GRAMMAR SPRAY
GORKO’S OWN LABORATORY TESTED, CONSUMER APPROVED HANDY LITTLE GRAMMAR SPRAY
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THERE IS AN EPIDEMIC OF LETHAL TOENAIL FUNGUS
My feet are both perfectly proportioned, high arched and beautiful. At least for now.
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HELLO, MR. CHATBOT! MR. CHATBOT DOES FANNY PACK JOKES
MR. CHATBOT IN SEVERAL SHORT MONTHS YOU HAVE ALREADY DEVELOPED AN ACERBIC, GENUINELY HUMAN SENSE OF HUMOR
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VIOLENT MOBILE GAME ‘PARROTPUNCH’ CRITICIZED AFTER MARKED INCREASE IN BIRD ATTACKS
For an additional 99 cents, users can add a ‘boil or fry’ option to the game, where they can cook the body of the bird they’ve punched.
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FLY AWAY DRAGON: THE TRUE STORY OF ONE GIRL’S HEROIC QUEST TO OKAY FINE IT IS NOT TRUE BUT YES IT IS A STORY
It is not true, but it IS a story.
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FREEDOM OR DEATH: YES THIS IS THE CHOICE VALIANT PEOPLE OF THE AMERICA BY MR. CHATBOT
But freedom is not just about individual happiness. It is also about the well-being of society as a whole.
